posted
This is one that has been workshopped. It needs a little internal work but I plan on sending it off very soon. A line in this opening seems off to me. Maybe its just me. Here is the first 13. Let me know if it hooks for you. (I'll need it to hook for my target).
quote:Brad Horand set the silver cube in center of the conference table. The executives and fellow developers at Gamecon leaned in. Brad bent over the cube and shouted. “Car!” Domino shaped blocks turned and shuffled like a manipulated Rubik’s cube. It took twenty seconds of sharp clicks and snaps for a silver toy-sized replica of a family sedan to appear. “This is just one of a dozen shapes this Metamorphracube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to develope hundreds more.” The executives took turns admiring Brad’s new toy as it was passed it around. Brad glimpsed at Lance leaning back in his chair, arms crossed and glaring at Brad. Brad couldn’t help but to grin back.
version two
quote:Brad Horand set the shoebox-sized silver cube in center of the conference table. The executives and fellow developers at Gamecon leaned in. Brad bent over the cube and spoke to it. “Car!” Small domino shaped blocks turned and shuffled like a Rubik’s cube. It took twenty seconds of sharp clicks and snaps for a silver toy-sized replica of a family sedan to appear. “This is just one of a dozen shapes this Metamorphracube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to develop hundreds more.” The executives took turns admiring Brad’s new toy, trying to get it to change shape. Brad glimpsed at Lance leaning back in his chair, arms crossed and frowning at Brad. Brad couldn’t help but to grin back.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 14, 2009).]
posted
Combining the first two sentences might read a little better..
"The executives and fellow developers at Gamecon leaned in as Brad Horand set the silver cube in center of the conference table."
and shouted, "Car!" (does he need to shout?
It's a little difficult for me to visualize the cube -- are the domino shaped blocks really small? Comparing the shape to a domino without a sense of scale makes me visualize something large.
Brad glimpsed *at* Lance ==> remove at
Brad couldn't help but grin back -- This sounds like Lance is grinning at him, not glaring.
To be honest, I'm not hooked on this. A neato toy invention, OK. Some conflict between Lance and Brad? OK, but nothing here yet to make me curious where the story is going. Is there something else you could hint at/allude to which tweeks the opening? Wouldn't the executives all be changing the cube to other forms to try it out?
posted
It doesn't hook me, because it seems like the intended hook is how this cool gadget works, but as a game scripter I'm already thinking that the terminology is off and the author isn't an expert on the subject.
If the chip is capable of designing hundreds of new, original shapes, it is much more than a voice recognition chip.
Memory is not the issue, processing capacity and AI are the issues. Storing designs would be a trivial task compared to coming up with new ones based on voice prompts. The software would need some massive internal dictionaries to be able to take the sound "c-ah-r", figure out that it's referring to the concept "car", separate out images of cars from monkeys, carrots, etc, and construct a rough 3D shape based on a composite of the images.
'Course, Brad's a sales exec, not a programmer, so I might just be on a soapbox here - he himself might not know memory from nanobots. A stronger hook about the conflict between Brad and this Lance guy would be enough of a distraction that I wouldn't care about the technology, but as it stands their rivalry doesn't seem new/interesting.
Edit: cross-posted with snapper, sorry - my post seems a bit out of context now.
[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited January 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited January 14, 2009).]
posted
hiyas snapper///couple small nits then to business. in the center of the conference table.//// Brad glimpsed at is at needed? Lance leaning //// I think for myself if you could move Lance and Brad's interpersonal dynamic to the forefront, it would be more apparent that the story is about that///as it is I stumble a bit on the domino shaped blocks then get caught up into the gadget rather than the true story/// is there something else that would be block like that would give the reader that this is a square block and not a rectangle? perhaps silvery sugar cubes ?? I know this is weird but it pulls me up short before I can get into flow/// neat concept//I would give it a read for general impression if you send hope this helps
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 14, 2009).]
I'll go with the crowd; I'd want a stronger emphasis on the relationship as the hook if that's the core of the story. The game cube does take a fair bit of the opening (by the way Metamorphracube is a mouthful, though that's probably not important). I can't really see any wording glitches that really derail what you've written though.
posted
Not that I'm feeling contrary, but I like the description of the Metamorphracube morphing. I could visualize it in my head, but I agree with Omakase that the lack of size comparison can throw off a reader. A lot of the detail is up in the air, and some readers don't want to assume that the domino blocks or small and that the sedan is a hand-sized model. Especially if they could be wrong like I probably am. From what I've heard, this is not your main hook, but for me, that's what hooked my interest.
Personally, I think you could use a little more sentence variation. Almost all of your sentences start with either "Brad" or "The," both a little bland to me. Alos, repetition of Brad's name didn't work for me. You might want to try replacing a few of those with "he/him."
The rest is basically what has been said before me. Not much conflict, detail not quite clear enough, not focused on the heart of the story. All things that are justified since this is a short story, not solely thirteen lines. But because it is a short story, it needs a quick hook.
Oh, and please don't look up my credentials. I don't have any.
quote:Oh, and please don't look up my credentials. I don't have any.
I figure lack of credentials allows me to be even ruder; no one can say "hey, I read that piece of crap you somehow managed to get published and you make all the mistakes you're complaining about". If I'd received your advice, I would have thought it tactful and insightful (not that Snapper has to take it that way).
Seriously, I've never "talked" to Snapper, but he offers excellent advice and seems to gracefully accept advice that he judges to be sound.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited January 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited January 14, 2009).]
posted
Dude, I gotta say, I'm pretty hooked. I'm going to run contrary to the crowd here and say I preferred your previous version (except for the shouting bit---much better to just have him speak to the cube). All the adjectives really muck up the piece for me. I could guess the size by the fact that he can hold it and put it on the table. The first version just seems slicker.
In fact, I really want to read the piece, even if you don't want crits.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 15, 2009).]
posted
I also like the first one over the second, but just wondering about the mechanics of the "Cube." If the "Cube" can take many shapes from voice commands, then wouldn't that cause a problem when a conversation takes place near the "Cube?"
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 15, 2009).]
posted
This intro was superb. I liked how it gradually brought the reader into the setting. It started with an event familiar to readers: a sales pitch. Then it moves to the toy which surpasses the technology of our own time. With the setting in place, you move into the actual hook of the story which is the rivalry between the two men.
Overall, I like the second version more. It's more discriptive in subtle ways. I like how the executives interact with the new toy after the demonstration. I like how you give the silver block a more definate size; however, I would choose a different adjective. The problem isn't in clarity. I just feel that set-shoe-sized-silver come a little too close together.
I disagree with the comments that say there isn't enough conflict. It's really loaded with conflict though it might not be a life and death or heated arguement conflict. It's much more subtle. Getting up to give a sales pitch is internal conflict. It may not be spelt out that the Brad is nervious, but it can be inferred. There is also some suspense/mystery. As soon as the silver block is mentioned, the reader wants to know what the object does and how the executives will react. These are not major conflicts, but they serve their purpose which is the engage the reader enough to logically lead into the real hook of the story.
posted
Brad Horand set the shoebox-sized silver cube in center of the conference table. The executives and fellow developers at Gamecon leaned in. Brad bent over the cube and spoke to it.
-I think '...and spoke to it.' is redundant as that is exactly what happens next. If it is meant to be an attribution for the dialogue, then I think it would be better served being directly linked to the dialogue. Also I think '...leaned towards' is better than '...bent over' although I recognize that it is just a matter of personal taste. Also drop the exclaimation mark, e.g.
The executives and fellow developers at Gamecon crowed round the table. Brad leaned towards the cube. "Car." The instant the word left his lips, the cube clicked open like...
“Car!” Small domino shaped blocks turned and shuffled like a Rubik’s cube. It took twenty seconds of sharp clicks and snaps for a silver toy-sized replica of a family sedan to appear. “This is just one of a dozen shapes this Metamorphracube prototype is capable of. The voice recognition chip in the center of the cube has enough memory to develop hundreds more.” The executives took turns admiring Brad’s new toy, trying
-trying and failing or trying and succeeding. This is unclear.
to get it to change shape. Brad glimpsed at
-glimpsed at? Perhaps it is an americanism but we would just say '...Brad glimpsed lance leaning back...'
Lance leaning back in his chair, arms crossed and frowning at Brad. Brad couldn’t help but to grin back.
I have seen this before. Liked it then, like it now.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 16, 2009).]
posted
I liked it. One simple change that would help make the conflict between Brad and Lance a bit more noticable, would be to change "grin" to "smirk." Grins are friendly. Smirks are not. but then, I really like the verb "smirk."
Posts: 72 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Turaith, If you like to read it, I can send it to you, however thanks to annepin's outstanding perspective, I will be rewriting it. Nevertheless, another perspective couldn't hurt so I'll send it if you like.
Glad you got the title, annepin. About half the people did that read it.
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hope this helps
