Warning! The below contains a few vulgarities!

quote:

---

V.2
Two withered hands, skin like wrapping paper, gripped the dirtied baseball bat. With a coarse breath, John swung in nostalgia at the empty air in front of him. He heard a pop reverberate from his shoulder, and fell to his knees moaning. Yelping, he touched his fingers against the dislocated joint, and pushed until it crunched back into place. He started sobbing, his thick glasses falling from his face, and landing on the cracked and muddied batters mound.
"Suck it up, soldier," a wheezing voice said in between the sobs. The old man collapsed from his knees and onto his back, staring in disbelief.
"Sarge?" He said, his voice a throaty whisper. "How... How are you here?"

---

quote:

---

V.1
Two withered hands, skin like wrapping paper, gripped the dirtied baseball bat. With a coarse breath, the man swung into the dusky morning air. Crack! The man fell to the floor moaning. ****! He rushed his right hand to his shoulder, and yelped as his fingers pressed against the dislocated joint. He pressed as hard as he could, until it snapped back into place. Screaming--he fell to his knees and began to sob--his thick glasses falling off of his face and onto the cracked and muddied batters mound.
"Suck it up, soldier," a wheezing voice said in between the sobs. The old man collapsed onto his back, staring in disbelief.
"Sarge?" He said, his voice a throaty whisper. "How... How are you here?"

---

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 15, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 15, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 16, 2009).]

quote:

---

I'm pretty confused. Is there one person, or two?

---

quote:

---

Who is this man? Why doesn't he have a name?

---

quote:

---

Is he the one hitting or the one getting hit, or both?

---

The confusion here probably arises from the fact that there is no actual ball. The man is simply swinging the bat in nostalgia. I have probably not made this clear enough, I'll take a look and see what I can do.

quote:

---

How can he fall twice? Or does he suffer from multiple-personality disorder?

---

The first time he falls, it is to his knees. The second time, its falling from his knee's, onto his back. I will have to take a look at this and see what I can do to make it more clear. No, he doesn't have multiple personality disorder.

Thanks for the comments, ill do a quick rewrite.

quote:

---

Who is this man? Is one of the things I want the reader to be asking. The question would then be: Are you asking this in a curious way, or in a badway. I can add a placeholder name until I find a real one, I suppose

---

There's curiosity and then there's confusion. Like Anne, I had more confusion than curiosity.

I think the problem lies in opening lines...firstly, you have the disembodied concept of "two withered hands" (i.e. not a personality for us to follow) gripping the baseball bat and then it's not immediately clear what happens. Most people will skim over lines until they get into a rhythm; here it seems like whoever is holding the bat has hit the old man. Of course, that immediately clarifies itself if you read a second time...but if we're forced to read a second time, you need to fix it if it's going to work as an opening. Give us a name and then make sure it's clear that he's doing a practice swing.

I suspect you're thinking cinematically (i.e. starting with the image of the man swinging the bat) rather than thinking about how your words will give us the same image.

Cheers,

Nick

Also, i'm of the opinion that an emotion like this is better conveyed through thought and deed, rather than just shown us. He could, for instance, reflect on how he used to hit it out of the ball park.

As always, Anne is pretty much dead right. This version is much clearer (though I found the initial focus on his skin and hands a bit distracting; that may be just me, I'd show his age another way).

There are probably a few different ways of showing the nostalgia behind his actions. As Anne suggested, a simple line like "he smiled as he held the bat, remembering when..." shows us the nostalgia.

Cheers,