posted
Looking for readers. Ghost story, approx. 5,638 words long
Fiona stood at the grave site, listening to the priest drone on. The world seemed surreal. At seventeen, she had never experienced loss. She had never known her father, and her only family had been her mother, her younger sister, Evie, and her Great Uncle Jack. Her uncle had lived with her ever since she could remember. With Mom working full-time, Uncle Jack had been the one to greet the girls when they came home from school, the one to teach them chess, the one to teach them how to ride their bikes. Although his manner was gruff, he was always available for hugs, wiping tears, and listening to confidences. She felt as if she stood at the bottom of an abyss, encompassed in darkness, and she wondered if life would ever feel normal again. Even worse, she couldn’t shake off the nagging feeling
Send it through, though I mightn't be able to get around to reading it for a while. Have I read this one before?
Based on the first 13, there's a lot of backstory that slows the opening up. I think some of it can be cut. Her grief is effectively shown by the line "she felt as if she stood at the bottom of an abyss..." and I think you should use this line as a substitute for most of the back story. At this stage we only need to know that it's Uncle Jack being buried and that Fiona is utterly grief-stricken.
If you cut down the backstory, you can then try and get more of a "hook" in the 1st 13. If it's a ghost story, give us a hint of the supernatural in that 1st 13, something that tells us that something strange is going to happen.
posted
I don't think you've read the whole thing, but I did post the 13 lines before. Thanks for the advice about the hook.
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