Summer, 5737

Of all the Ten Plagues to be the carrier of, Pestilence, which only affected livestock and other such animals, was among the more useless. This also made it among the more benign. So what if Alex couldn’t own a cat? Oh no. G-d forbid. Water would never turn to blood in his mouth, not unless the Bloodbearer put it there. When his best friend, Ori Tal, had struggled through terrible infectious boils that rendered him unable to leave his house or entertain even the company of other plaguebearers, Alex breezed through training that seemed to resemble veterinary school more than boot camp for millennia-old divine magic.

It was the changing of the guard, after all. With half the plaguebearers in their fifties, aging men and women whose lives

I did not read your previous story for which this is a prequel, so I missed some of the context (if a prequel requires context?). Instead, I'll give you my impression as if this were a stand-alone.

My comments are based on the assumption that the story is in the distant future where plagues (10?) linger among carriers. Apparently there is an organization to produce carriers and the main character is training to become a carrier. If I didn't get that right, I apologize and offer a big "never mind" for the remainder of my comments.

The label "Summer, 5737" does little for me. You could sneak the "summer" part elsewhere, and the 5737 seems arbitrary. I am willing to accept that this is far in the future (or past or parallel universe for that matter) but certainly not now. Unless there is some numerology I don't understand, the 5737 does nothing to advance the story. Perhaps "Summer Training, 5737" would have set a better tone.

The first sentence confused me, particularly the last "of" in "Of all the Ten Plagues to be the carrier of,". I am a little dense and simplicity appeals to me. So I tried cutting and rearranging a few words to see if I could follow the sentence better. "Of the Ten carried Plagues, Pestilence was among the more useless because it only affected livestock." I am not offering this as an improvement because I did not understand your original intent so you may have meant something different. Perhaps the confusing "of" that messed me up was self-referential to the narrator. If so, I had to struggle to guess that. Perhaps the paragraph meant something like "Today Alex was selected to be the carrier of Pestilence. He felt a minor disappointment. Pestilence was a minor plague among the Ten, affecting only livestock. Still he would not have to suffer like his friend, ... etc., and he would be on the pathway to... etc."

Next line. I had a little trouble with a livestock plague being "more benign." Consider "mad cow" etc. Of course I don't have the other 9 plagues for comparison. Does this imply that the main character is the carrier of this particular plague? Will become the carrier? I was not sure.

Unlike the first 2 sentence, the next four sentences read fine. But it was not clear to me who Alex was, why he wanted a cat, and the Blood bearer reference lost me. These are not fatal flaws because I assume more explanation is forthcoming beyond the 13 lines.

Does the "his" in the next line refer to Alex (my assumption). I am not a fan of constructions like "his best friend, Ori Tal" but I understand the need for expediency in a short story. In the remainder of the sentence I could have done without the "terrible" and the "or entertain even the company of other plaguebearers". I also think that "While" would read better in place of the initial "When" and that "resembled" could replace "seemed to resemble." Just my opinion.

Finally, last paragraph. I would have cut the phrase "in their fifties," and restructured the sentence from passive to active voice.

The setup in the last paragraph struck me as a pretty good hook, so I guess my only complaints are with clarity and style. I am not sure whether a prequel should depend on the readers recall of the original story. But I do think you could polish your lines into an intriguing beginning.

Thanks for letting me read your stuff.

cordially,