quote:

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Two of General Nurg's finest were doing their damnedest to kill me as I flew my Wasp as fast and low to the ground as my ground avoidance program would let me.
I'd cut my flying teeth on Wasps, and flew them well. I'd also learned a trick from fighting the Tarans, another space-faring race we warred with, and installed it on my Wasp. I waited till they both were on my six and punched out a line of bomblets. They weren't powerful enough to penetrate the Rhino's shielding, but they didn't need to be. The explosions pushed them into the ground. At Mach five, the ground took them out.

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Two of General Nurg's finest were doing their damnedest finest/damnedest a bit awkward to me as I flew my Wasp as low and fast to the ground fast to the ground doesn't really mean anything, does it? as my ground avoidance program would let me. like the action, right in the scene, and the voice sounds pilot-like consider breaking into two sentences to avoid piling on phrases
Wasps were the state of the art in small, maneuverable, multi-role fighters for Earth. They had better guns than the Rhino's jump ships. If I were pursuing them, they'd even punch through their new shields. Not the place for a technical lecture. showing the wasp's attributes would be more engaging
I'd cut my flying teeth on Wasps, and flew them well. I'd also learned a trick from fighting the Tarans, another space-faring race we warred with, and installed it on my Wasp. I waited till they both were on my six and punched out a line of bomblets. They weren't powerful enough to penetrate the Rhino's

I'm kinda a new to critiqing but I hope to make a helpful contribution.

After my first read I had these general/overview thoughts:

1st para: wow, I'm in the thick of things...I like the fact that, even though you just say "Nurg's finest" or "Flew my Wasp", I somehow thought of spaceships even though it could have been a plane or something, kinda cool...

hmm, 2nd paragraph talking about Wasps but I'm skipping thru it wanting for the next details of the chase, thinking all along 'give me the chase maybe with Wasp capabilties mixed in'...

3rd para: Ergh! I want the chase! - and I'm getting hero's flight credentials. (a bit exaggerated, but seriously, i wanted to know what happened next but I didn't wanna go thru any history that's splitting the action up)...Finally the last line brings us back and I'm ready to read on happily (ofcourse I had to stop and look back to what Rhino meant exactly since I rushed the 2nd paragraph)...

I figure I don't really need to know about the ships that early - just that they are figther space ships. I assume there will be guns/bombs/lasers/shields/etc and you will explain via the action as necessary. To the point: bringing the last two lines somewhere right after the first paragraph might help, I think.

Otherwise it reads well. Plotwise it seems uh...rogue adventurer/han solo-ish/space merchant-prince-like...so if it does tread old story-paths readers might put it down - but if it's entertaining to read that'll make up for it.
First person always works well with this since the Main Char seems charismatic.

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If it's only a 1000 words I can give a critique (school has majority of my time) - though please keep in mind that I'm very new at this.

If you can tell me what your goals are with this piece - i.e. what you want this story to feel like to the reader, did it convey this or that - anything really - I will use that as my guide. That way I can critique in ways that most helps you.

If interested let me know what to do next. I have no idea. You are my first client!

~bb~

I'm not big on battle scenes so take my suggestions with a grain or more of salt. It was the special effects more than the battle that hooked me in the opening of the first Star Wars.

Where action is involved, I prefer short sentences. Consider your first paragraph.

//Two of General Nurg's finest were doing their damnedest to kill me as I flew my Wasp as fast and low to the ground as my ground avoidance program would let me.//

I would prefer to chop up the paragraph, maybe something like

Two of General Nurg's Rhinos came about for a second pass. I squeezed my Wasp closer to the ground than prudence demanded. How could they miss me on the next run?

Similarly, I would prefer more action and less background in the next paragraph:

//I'd cut my flying teeth on Wasps, and flew them well. I'd also learned a trick from fighting the Tarans, another space-faring race we warred with, and installed it on my Wasp. I waited till they both were on my six and punched out a line of bomblets. They weren't powerful enough to penetrate the Rhino's shielding, but they didn't need to be. The explosions pushed them into the ground. At Mach five, the ground took them out.//

For example, the "and flew them well" comment adds nothing. The next sentence also slows the action. Perhaps they could be combined and shortened to something like " I'd tested the limits of the Wasp in the Taran war. Taran pilots are tricky, but the Wasp is a great ride."

Then you might continue with something like " I waited until they were on my tail and then I pulled 9 G's while punching out a line of..."

I think you get the idea of my personal preferences. Why am I encouraging you to cut back the background and chop up the action? Because so far you've tried to bait me with action, but no real story line. Is there something important about this war or this mission that I should know? That will hook me better than an air battle. Cutting the narrative background gives you an early opportunity to capture me with the story situation setup.

Since I don't really know where you plan to go with the story, I don't think I can offer any suggestions beyond the comments I already made. Anyway, I hope my suggestions were not too far off the mark from your intention, and that you can get something useful from my rambling.

Best of wishes with your writing.

cordially