posted
Hey guys. I'm writing this personal narrative for my English class. I'd really like it if I could get some feedback. It's a short piece, around ~800 words. Tell me what you think.
quote: Our hands--layered in drying mud--fidgeted together as the enemies approached. They talked and laughed, basketball in hand, as they inched closer to the hoop. Our hoop. We lay hidden in the trees and shrubs, silent save the crackling of leaves underfoot as we twitched impatiently.
Today would be a day of vindication.
Jason, my best friend at the time, held his eyes on the nearest boy. His name, we knew, was Casey; one of the villains. One of the intruders of our fort.
posted
The first line made me think of soldiers in muddy WW1 trenches. When they turned out to be kids I just thought the first line was brilliant. Good job. I don't think "inched" is the correct word in the second sentence because they are at walking pace. They are not actually up in the trees are they? Doesn't sound like it so perhaps say, "under the trees in the shrubs" or remove the word trees. I like the writing and the scene so far.
posted
Thanks a lot Tnwilz. That was exactly the kind of feel I was trying to give with the first sentence.
As for everyone who said they'll read it... Give me just a few.
I decided to let it sit so I could get a 'new view' on it. After doing so, I found a few things I didn't like. And as such, I'm going to be doing a little bit of rewriting before I send it out.
If for any reason you can't read it when I send it out, let me know.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
