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Author Topic: Collector - 3 charpers 7,000 words
Member # 6724

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I've been on a bit of a hiatus from writing and am getting back into it. I had posted my 13 for this story awhile ago and I am starting on it again and have changed it a good bit. I am looking for critiquies on the first 13, and anyone interested in reading the first 3 chapters (about 7,000 words). havent decided to do this as a short or novel yet, depends on where it takes me. if anyone is interested in reading im looking for a general feel of the writing, any confusion (some jumping between time) and general flow.



Starting the Collection by himself was out of the question. It was against regulations, unless approved by an overseeing Reaper.
Jakob hooked his thumbs into the pant pockets of his clean pressed Armani suit, leaned back on the hood of the Sebring he had driven out in, and waited. There was no telling when Gary would show up, but it would be soon. A notification would have been sent out if there was a delay.

Across the ditch and a ways down the Highway was the site of the accident. From his spot on the gravel road that turned off the Trans Canada highway Jakob could only make out the tire marks on the asphalt that disappeared into the ditch and a patch of flattened grass. There wouldn’t be much beyond that to see. The ambulance and tow trucks had been out early in the

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Member # 4080

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The writing is good enough and I would read on to figure out where the story is going. There are a few comma issues and grammatical errors. Its not a particularly hooky start but that doesn't mean it might not get me a little later on.

As Simon Cowell would say, "It's just alright, not spectacular"

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Garlic Coachman
Member # 8432

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Your first 13 grabbed me. I am intrigued. I also like that you used a “k” in his name, it gives it a more “otherly” feel…..nice.
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Brant Danay
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The big hooks for me were in the first two sentences, specifically the capitalizations of Collection and Reaper. It makes me wonder why they are deserving of capitalization and keeps me moving forward (plus reaper is one of my favorite words, at least when it's referring to death and not farming. Or normal farming, anyways...). So, what I would suggest is perhaps a little more elaboration on those two subjects within the first 13, and move the rest down a little further.

I didn't suffer any confusion while reading this, and I felt the flow was excellent.

Hope this helps. Talk to you later,


[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 09, 2009).]

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C L Lynn
Member # 8007

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Death's helper, huh? I like this. One small thing though. Is it necessary that the last sentence in the first paragraph be passive? Makes it a little vague. Who sends out the notification? Gary? HQ? "Gary/HQ would've sent out a notification if he'd been delayed," or something similar, is more specific, engaging, and active.

But way to go, I'd keep reading.

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