I think I'm looking for the usual. How do you like the pacing? Does it grab your attention? and, most importantly, would you read on? And please let me know which version you like better. Ok...here goes nothing, but be gentle, I'm a posting virgin.

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Old 13:
In less time than it would take to inhale, heaven literally became hell. The light the Eternal Host took for granted was snuffed out in an instant. For a moment, the sudden darkness and stunned silence were so all encompassing that Shae thought he had been struck dumb; but then the screaming started and angels began bursting into flames.

"At the dawn of time you conspired to to imprison me". The voice, impossibly loud, came from everywhere. The surface beneath Shae’s feet shook as the very earth rumbled in accompaniment with the speech. "You bound me in darkness and named me the 'Father of Lies'." The screams got louder and more angels lit up like starbursts. In the sky above, several angels seemed to turn into falling stars as they burned,

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[This message has been edited by Christian (edited January 31, 2009).]

Updated with an altered 13:

quote:

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In less time than it would take to inhale, heaven literally became hell. The light Shae and others of the Eternal Host took for granted was snuffed out in an instant. The sudden darkness and stunned silence were so all encompassing that Shae thought his senses had been stolen; but then screaming started and angels began bursting into flames. Instinctively, his wings unfolded, cracking the air as they exploded out to their full width. He crouched down, leg muscles tensed, one hand on the ground for balance, and prepared to launch into the dark void the sky had become.

"At the dawn of time you conspired to to imprison me". The voice, impossibly loud, came from everywhere.
Shae lost his balance as the earth beneath his hand and

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[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 01, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 01, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 01, 2009).]

The light the Eternal Host took for granted was snuffed out in an instant. (maybe "The light of the Eternal Host was snuffed out," but even that is passive voice. In any case, I'd suggest not writing from the POV of the Eternal Host because you switch to Shae in the next sentence.)

For a moment, the sudden darknes and stunned silence were so all encompassing that Shae thought he had been struck dumb (cut "For a moment" and why would Shae think he's struck dumb? That's lack of voice, right? It seems he might think he has been struck blind or deaf.)

and angels began bursting into flames. (tighter to say "angels burst into flames")

The surface beneath Shae’s feet shook as the very earth rumbled in accompaniment with the speech. (maybe "The surface beneath Shae's feet rumbled in accompaniment.")

In the sky above, several angels seemed to turn into falling stars as they burned, becoming terrifyingly beautiful and leaving streaks of flame across the night. (In the sky above, angels became falling stars, terrifyingly beautiful as they left streaks of flame across the night.)

Shae’s wings fluttered back and forth in sharp futile movements. (Wait ... Shae is an angel? You might want to make that clear when he's first introduced.)

Thanks for taking it easy on me. I've been nervously awaiting a response since I posted. I felt like a dad-to-be in the hospital waiting room.