posted
Not finished. Looking for thoughts on the 1st thirteen.
Original 1st thirteen:
The old woman was small and thin, but made of the same rusty iron that folk in the Wastes always were. She was squinting at Jolo like he was a snake who’d slithered up and started talking.
Charm would be wasted on this one. Best be direct. “I’m a digger, my lady, and what needs digging is under your house.”
She spit at his feet, and pointed back the way he had come. “Get gone, city slug. Nothing but rock and dust to dig up here.”
Shapes moved in his peripheral vision. The neighbors were getting restless. He didn’t look at them. From his pouch he drew out the water stone and held it up. “Stones like these are getting scarce, as you likely know. Used to be, one this size could by a kingship out here. You mean to tell me it isn’t worth one little plot of land?”
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited February 05, 2009).]
posted
I liked the start of this...in anticipation I almost had it in mind that there was going to be some dark secret hidden under her house that "diggers" and only them had the "power" to locate that would have hooked me and reeled me in. When the tone changed to sound more like "here's something valuable from me in exchange to mine your property" I thought meh....others of course will not get that impression so....its probably fine
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posted
Excellent points, Honu. The digger is indeed after something ancient and magical, but he does come off like a fantasy oil-man or something. I think the hook would be stronger with a hint of what he's after. Thanks!
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"but made of the same rusty iron that folk in the Wastes always were" -- picturing a female version of the tin man, plus ending a sentence with a verb like this is awkward.
"like he was a snake who’d slithered up and started talking." -- not sure this metaphor works. Realistically, if a snake slithers up to people a starts talking, people would likely run, not squint.
"what needs digging is under your house" -- this is avoiding the issue. What is "what"?
"Shapes moved in his peripheral vision." -- this is unnecessary.
I do like the idea of the water stone, however. Not sure what it is, but it appeals to my imagination. And I assume the digger is after something more valuable still.
The old woman was small and thin, but living in the Wastes had taken its toll; she looked carved of stone. She offered no greeting, just set her feet wide and squinted at Jolo, waiting.
Charm would be wasted on this one, and Jolo didn't think she'd believe that the remnants of an ancient sea-faring empire lay under her shack. “I’m a digger, my lady, and what needs digging is under your house.”
She spit at his feet, pointing back the way he'd come. “Get gone, city man. Nothing but rock and dust to dig up here.”
Shapes moved behind him--the neighbors getting restless. He didn’t look at them as he drew out the water stone and held it up. He worked to keep his tone casual. “Used to be, a water stone this size could buy a kingship out here. Surely it's worth one little plot of land.”
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited February 05, 2009).]
posted
*gasp* This is so much better. Remnants of an ancient empire? Oh, yeah, I'm hooked. And the opening paragraph is far stronger and believable now, too.
posted
I like the second version better as well. I'm intrigued to see what's under her house that he wants. To be honest though, it would need to be good for me to keep on reading. That or the character would have to be very charismatic. He's a "digger". Maybe it's just me, but I was thinking 'fieldhand' or 'gravedigger'.
But my favorite line came from C Lynn.
quote: "like he was a snake who’d slithered up and started talking." -- not sure this metaphor works. Realistically, if a snake slithers up to people a starts talking, people would likely run, not squint.
posted
I have a draft of this at 4,200 words. I am looking for readers if anyone is interested. Thanks!
Here's the latest 1st thirteen:
Hot wind, swift and sand-flecked, rasped Jolo’s face as he approached the shack.
The woman who stood waiting for him was small and thin, and life in the Wastes had taken its toll on her; she looked carved of stone. This place had gone largely untouched by the wars, but these people fought just to survive. She offered no greeting, just set her feet wide and squinted.
Jolo doubted she'd believe that remnants of an ancient sea-faring race lay under her shack, so he kept it simple. “I am called Jolo, madam. I’m a digger, and there’s something that needs digging under your house.”
She spit at his feet and pointed back the way he'd come. “Go home, city man; nothing but rock and dust to dig up here.”
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