posted
Hi guys/ looking for readers on YA 900 word / does this hook ? would you read on? ver 2 /
quote: Moridon adjusted his spectacles further down his scaly snout to peer at his work. This ring had been devilishly difficult to craft and now it was time for his final inspection before he presented it to Salinia, Sorceress Queen of the Giants. The twin silver dragons adorning the face held a perfect emerald in their grasp. It appeared to his expert eye to have no flaws that either dragon or giant would be able to see. He slithered through the band and looped around it several times, once again counting his coils to take the queen's measure. Fifteen. Perfect. I allowed some room for her fingers to swell in the mornings. This was probably his finest work. Though the giants kept the dragon-kin in servitude to them,
[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 05, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 05, 2009).]
posted
Moridon adjusted his spectacles [to perch]-This felt awkward. further down his scaly snout. This ring had been devilishly difficult to craft and now it was time for his final inspection before he presented it to Salinia, Sorceress Queen of the Giants today.Ok, interesting enough.
The twin silver dragons adorning the face held a perfect emerald in their grasp. It appeared to his expert eye to have no flaws [, none at all]-Cut that either dragon or giant would be able to see. Good, still with you.
He slithered through the band and looped around it times several times, once again counting his coils to take the queen's measure. Fifteen. Perfect. [I allowed some room for her fingers to swell in the mornings.]- You either need to italicize this, or put a ", he thought" at the end to stay in POV. This was probably his finest work.
Though the giants kept the dragon-kin in servitude to them, Moridon refused to allow [nothing]-- I think "any" is what you want here. but the best of his jeweled
Interesting, creative idea. No hook though. No conflict, or hint of any to come. I am usually pretty open to subtle hooks, as long as the setting is rich, and I get a good sense of character. Unfortunately, the ring itself gets most of the screen time here, so I don't have anything to wonder about.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited February 05, 2009).]
posted
The flow of the first couple lines is a little off. the second sentence begining with "This ring" seems to cause some subject dissagreement as it seems to imply the "This ring" is the subject of the first line and the paragragh.
posted
The idea of a serpent-type creature as the POV character is interesting. I'd read on to see what this servant/slave of the giants can shake up. Though it might be hookier if he showed some unhappiness about this servitude. Create empathy in the reader.
I have a couple of structural suggestions, too: 1) cut "today" at the end of second sentence. 2) the phrasing of "Moridon refused to allow nothing but the best of his jeweled" seems overly complicated. If he refuses to allow nothing but the best, then he only allows the best, so "Moridon allowed only the best of his jeweled..." simplifies the reading big time.
Quite apart from the prior comments (which I agree with), this doesn't seem to be the right starting point for this story. I'm not that interested in the ring itself, what I'm interested in is how Salinia will react (presumably not well). Can you get us closer to that point in the first 13? Right now, we don't get a hint of what the conflict will be because we're too far removed from where it occurs.
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