Something is very wrong, but I can’t put it together. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m sitting and staring at a status screen as it repeatedly rolls through the ship’s systems, but it’s doing nothing to help me with my problem. Where am I, or more important, who am I? My mind is clear but I’m confused. I understand all the information as it scrolls across the screen. I recognize this as a standard automated container ship, the sort used to cheaply supply space stations and frontier worlds. My brain is filled with information about life and technology and yet, I have no recollections of my personal life prior to this very moment. No memory of a childhood or parents. No memory of how or when I learned any of the things I know about the technology around me.

I think its a good theme and a good story but getting readers in might be tricky.

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Yeah this is a tough one to get rolling. The theme is a future where prisons are no more. Inmates have their memories blanked and are put into a relocation program. Without the life that had led them to crime in their head anymore most never repeat. My MC has just awoken from stasis and is in a supply container arriving three and a half years out at a frontier world.

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Shades of 'The Demolished Man'. I like your premise and I mainly like how the intro reads. IMO you belabor the 'I don't remember' a touch more than you need to; with a little trimming you might be able to get further into the story.

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Something is very wrong, but I can’t put it together. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m sitting and staring at a status screen as it repeatedly rolls [I found the alliteration distracting] through the ship’s systems, but it’s doing nothing to help me with my problem. Where am I, or more important, who am I? My mind is clear”,” but I’m confused. I understand all the information [“information” a bit bland here]as it scrolls across [Slight repetition. Cut the earlier sentence at, “staring at the status screen”?] the screen. I recognize this as [Perhaps “I know I am aboard” would read more naturally] a standard [”standard” doesn't mean much] automated container ship, the sort used to cheaply supply space stations and frontier worlds. My brain is filled with information about life and technology and yet, I have no recollections of my personal life prior to this very moment [You might want to consider shortening this to, “I have no recollection of a personal life]. No memory of a childhood or parents. [”And” starting a sentence with And isn't everyone's cup of tea, I know, but perhaps here...?]No memory of how or when I learned any of the things [“all” or “what I know” might be stronger] I know about the technology around me.

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To give something like:

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Something is very wrong, but I can’t put it together. I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m sitting and staring at a status screen, but it’s doing nothing to help me with my problem. Where am I, or more important, who am I? My mind is clear, but I’m confused. I understand every line of the encoded data that scrolls across the screen. I know I am aboard an automated container ship, the sort used to cheaply supply space stations and frontier worlds. My brain is filled with information about life and technology and yet, I have no recollection of a personal life. No memory of a childhood or parents. And no memory of how or when I learned what I know about the technology around me.

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You write so nicely that most of my “improvements” are probably just changes. Still, for what it's worth...

If and when you'd like a critique for the whole piece, I'd be glad to take a look at it.

Good to hear from you Toby. I had dropped out from writing for a while and I'm just getting warmed up again. I pulled a semi and an HM in WOTF in quick succession and rather than encourage me it just bummed me out. What a baby, huh! Its a pain coming close.

If you have anything going I'd gladly look at it. I love your writing style.

Back to the grindstone.

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Yeah this is a tough one to get rolling. The theme is a future where prisons are no more. Inmates have their memories blanked and are put into a relocation program. Without the life that had led them to crime in their head anymore most never repeat. My MC has just awoken from stasis and is in a supply container arriving three and a half years out at a frontier world.

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Hey Tracy,
After reading what you posted after my last comment, I think you have the opportunity for a great opening. When the MC wakes up, have him panicking. Where is he? What's going on? Then I think you can transition into the status screen nicely. Maybe he sees his pic and random bits of information scrolling beneath it so that he knows the info is about him? Maybe he wakes up confused and verging on the edge of distress but fights it down as he tries to figure out what's going on? I think either of those would be a good way to start based on your comments. Both of these give honest reactions to the reader.

It strikes me that while your premise is fresh and original, the way you start it looks like a tremendous cliché (i.e. the waking amnesiac). I think you need to flag it pretty quickly that you're trying something different.

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My brain is filled with information about life and technology

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If he knows about life and technology, then he’s probably going to be familiar with the process of memory blanking and relocation. He just doesn’t know what he’s done or who he was. If this kind of treatment is reserved for serious crimes, you’ve got an interesting set-up and I’d suggest that he’d be feeling pretty horrified not long after waking. Rather than having him confused about basics, you can leap straight into “where are they sending me?” and “what did I do?”

Anyway, just a suggestion for getting the story rolling.

Regards,

Nick

“Brock Gossard, as a person having been found guilty of grievous crimes you are hereby ordered to undergo Neuro-blanking. Are there witnesses who have confirmed the identity of the subject in custody?” The Union Marshall was reading from some standard legal form for the benefit of the hospital; I guess they have to do it. The idiot warden and his stupid assistant stepped forward and mumbled some legal garbage. Frail men. I could easily have snapped both their stupid necks if I wasn’t wearing the collar. If I wasn’t strapped into the metal chair. I quit listening. Let the doctors listen if they want. Instead my eye settled on the nurse standing against the white wall staring at me. She was cute in her own way – I’d do her. A hand gripped my shoulder and I turned to its owner, my appointed lawyer, Bill.

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I quit listening. Let the doctors listen if they want. Instead my eye settled on the nurse standing against the white wall staring at me. She was cute in her own way – I’d do her.

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I don't think the MC needs to panic to make it interesting. I remember when I woke up in the passenger seat of a car in a grocery store parking lot one time, with no memory of getting there. (I'd just come out of general anasthesia. A friend was driving me home and had stopped for an errand.) It wasn't panicky at all, maybe because of the drugs still in my system, and it didn't take long to put two and two together and put it into context. If memory wipes are common in the MC's society, and he's a criminal, surely he's wondered often what he would do if it happened to him, and wouldn't be too horribly surprised when it did.

To have the MC panic, I think, buys too much into the amnesia cliche.

The first is related to the verb-tenses used; I found the jumping back and forth between present- and past-tense drew my attention away from what was happening. Also, the use of the word 'stupid' twice in close succession took away from the impact of the sentence: "I could easily have snapped both their stupid necks if I wasn’t wearing the collar." I'd lose the word "stupid" here - the sentiment is powerful enough without it.