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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Genocide Tryst

   
Author Topic: Genocide Tryst
Brant Danay
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Still holding the Chronodagger with which he had slain the human race, the Eschaphiliac began the long journey back to the Westpalace. The jihad of genocide was over. Mankind had been slaughtered. The Eschaphiliac had collected blood cells from every man, woman and child and wore them like souvenirs, an aggregate of microscopic mementos which combined to form one gigantic trophy. He was no longer a part of the human race. The human race was a part of him. Their blood was crusting over the Chronodagger, their plasma clotting on his flesh, their erythrocytes and leucocytes flowing through his veins. It coagulated upon his skin, drying into a singular, continuous, gargantuan scab that covered his entire body with a rock-hard, crimson exoskeleton

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 08, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 08, 2009).]


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Christian
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Hi Brant, you don't say, but I'm assuming you want to know if this hooks or not. For me, I have to say it doesn't. There s a lot of information, complicated names (Eschaphiliac,erythrocytes and leucocytes) and concepts. The action seems to be missing as well. I find myself immediately wondering how a dagger (whether it can travel through time or not can kill an entire race--I'm ssuming that's what a Chronodagger can do). And there three references to 'human race', two for 'mankind' and one to 'every man, woman, and child', so six references to the population of earth in total.

For me, I think it would be better if the story either started sooner or later. Ex: after he killed the last human, or later when he's doing something.

I also don't know what any of the following are:Eschaphiliac,erythrocytes and leucocytes. I think the first is a race of aliens, and the last two have something to do with blood, or something else in the human body. Either way, i'm taken out of the story.

That being said, the concept is interesting. I would not read on as it is, but if rewritten, I would be interested in knowing both what and how earth was decimated of intelligent life.

[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 09, 2009).]


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Dogmatic
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Hi Brant,
I didn't mind the long complicated names (being a fan of OSC how could I). Overall I like where you're going with this. I'm more of a fan of setting mood before action so I'll have to disagree a bit with Christian on that one though I understand where he's coming from. At times I like the long words but other times they tend to make the sentences a bit clunky or a bit rhythmic. One word was Jihad, it just stopped my reading cold. Also I would rather read that he "wore them AS souvenirs, rather that LIKE. I don't know how the story goes so I don't know if it works but it sounds meaner to wear then AS then LIKE.

As for an opening hook there doesn't seem to be one for me. I'd like to see a good ending paragraph hook line to bring me into the character or plot then I'd be there. As for what Christian said I would then need the action to start pretty quickly after that.

I'll be interested in reading more of it. Good job and thanks for sharing.
Steve


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Brant Danay
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Thanks, guys. Let's try this more streamlined version, with just a hint of action and possibly a bit hookier.

Still holding the Chronodagger with which he had slain mankind, the Eschaphiliac began the long journey to the Westpalace. He had smeared the blood of every slaughtered victim across his skin and wore each blood cell as a souvenir, an aggregate of microscopic mementos that had coagulated into a single, gargantuan scab which covered his entire body like a crimson exoskeleton. He was no longer a part of the human race. The human race was a part of him. The Eschaphiliac had reduced the population to two, and it was this second remaining member of the species he now sought. Like a homunculus composed of badlands and scoria, the Eschaphiliac walked through a Shangri-La of death, a mass grave the size of a planet, the charnel house which had once been called earth. The world was his


Or, here's a fresh revision of the original, verbose, slow-build version.

Still holding the Chronodagger with which he had slain the human race, the Eschaphiliac began the long journey back to the Westpalace. The jihad of genocide was over. Mankind had been assassinated.
The Eschaphiliac had smeared blood from every stabbed and sundered corpse across his body and wore each blood cell as a souvenir, an aggregate of microscopic mementos combining to form one giant trophy. The collective lifeblood of the entire species was drying upon the Chronodagger. Their hemoglobin was clotting atop his skin, their plasma was seeping into his flesh, their erythrocytes and leucocytes were flowing through his veins and arteries. The blood was coagulating into a single, continuous, gargantuan scab that covered his entire

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 09, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 09, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 09, 2009).]


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Dogmatic
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Hi Brant. I like the first new version better. However I like the ending of the last version using the "Human race was part of him." for the tag. Maybe combine the two versions. However other than the ending tag I don't like the last one. Souvenir and trophy are somewhat repetitive. But I think you're close.
Thanks
Steve

Still holding the Chronodagger with which he had slain mankind, the Eschaphiliac began the long journey to the Westpalace. He had smeared the blood of every slaughtered victim across his skin and wore each blood cell as a souvenir, an aggregate of microscopic mementos that had coagulated into a single, gargantuan scab which covered his entire body like a crimson exoskeleton. He was no longer a part of the human race. The human race was a part of him. The Eschaphiliac had reduced the population to two, and it was this second remaining member of the species he now sought. Like a homunculus composed of badlands and scoria, the Eschaphiliac walked through a Shangri-La of death, a mass grave the size of a planet, the charnel house which had once been called earth. The world was his


[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 09, 2009).]


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Merlion-Emrys
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Very interesting. I'll be reading this one too, eventually, when I'm a little more freed up again.

If my linguistic skills havent deserted me, I'd assume "Eschaphiliac" is a construct word which would mean something like "lover of the end of the world"


Oh, and I think I like the second new version best, though for me, being also a lover of weirdness and intense language, the original is by no means bad.

I think even if one doesnt know the exact meaning of the two medical terms its easy enough to divine from context that they are blood-components or the like and move on.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 09, 2009).]


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Christian
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Ok...maybe it is just me. I like the 2nd 13 better, but still not my cup of tea. I had to use both versions to figure out what's going on. The Eschaphiliac (Esh-shuh-feel-ee-ack?) is a creature that uses blood to do things? In this case, coagulate and form and exoskeleton? The MC was human before? But now he's killed them all? Excepting himself of course?

I have to agree with Dogmatic that a combination of the two would be better, but still way to slow for me. It may just be that i'm not in the intended audience for this type of story, so my suggestions may be irrelevant in that regard.


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Troy
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You ready for readers or what's the deal?
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Brant Danay
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Thanks, all. Good input.

Merlion got the definition of "Eschaphiliac" right, although my personal definition of it is "an entity which finds the end of time and its associated phenomena sexually arousing." (Yes, I invent new words and save them all in a file).

Erythrocytes=red blood cells + Leucocytes=white blood cells (not words I invented; they're in your dictionary). Nigrocytes=black blood cells (that one's mine and not related to race; anyone that's ever read Lovecraft and his contemporaries should be familiar with the term nigromancy, which basically means black magic)

I never write with an intended audience in mind, so its basically up to the individual reader if they want in or not.

I had originally intended this to be a very short, maybe even flash fiction piece, which all by itself it would be, but...it's evolved two more chapters. The whole thing should be ready to send out in a couple days.

Best regards to everyone,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 09, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 09, 2009).]


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