posted
This is a revised version of one I posted long ago. I would be pleased to hear comments on it. It is a long one so I won't expect too many dedicated readers, but for those who might I can offer a look at any thing you need readers for. TIme isn't an issue here either. As of now, this is the masterpiece of my career I want it to be awesome.
From the pulsing womb of the living planets core, Greydon emerged into a still cold pool. His heart echoed as the vivaciousness of the streaming currents of the planet’s energy which had coursed through him severed, leaving him, for the first time in decades, naked and vulnerable. His sluggish lungs filled with sweet damp air. Yet, he sensed a faint but familiar tinge of sulphur—a trace which reminded him of the toxic geyser this remembered place had once been. Even before he spread his arms and legs and lay back in the waters gentle embrace looking up at the cliffs, he knew where he was. Those sheer, immense cliffs towering over him—they were the very same from which he had dove decades ago, into his destiny. Where he had left his childhood, his tribe, and his mother to become one with, and liberate the living planet.
posted
This sounds familiar. I may have critiqued the first 13 the first time, but I'm not sure. This time around, I must say that it's wordy. And nearly every critter who's looked at my recent stuff has told me my openings are wordy, so in this instance I can see what they mean. Seems like you're trying to shove a lot into a short space. For instance, "a trace which reminded him of the toxic geyser this remembered place had once been" -- in my opinion, "this remembered" is unnecessary. "A trace which reminded him of the toxic geyser this place had once been" is tighter.
Also, the second paragraph leads me to believe that this is a sequel to another story. Else, I wouldn't expect to be "reminded" of his past this early on. Instead, I'd like to know up front what action his resurfacing is about to lead to. Then a bit later learn this backstory.
How long is "long"? I'm on a deadline for a revision, but I'll look at your story over the next week if that's all right.
posted
Thanks CL Lynn, It is about 12k so it is a novella. But, yes time isn't an issue so I can wait. I'll send it over toward the end of the week so it will get to you when you are more able to recieve...I should have yours done by then.
I was also thinking "Remembered" could be omitted. I just love that word
posted
Since I like wordy stuff this wouldn't bother me...(I write that way, too)...on the other hand, would an editor like it? hmmmm.....I think what would make it more powerful up front is if you could mix in some descriptiveness to make an immediate mind picture description for the reader of what the human...beast from hell....moleman.....etc is. Something like Greydon's multiple hearts beat in syncopated rythym as he cleaned the molten lava from his scaley claws...etc you get it, yes? I want to see this thing early on some how if you can find a way to show it to me by it's actions...that would create a more powerful hook for me, too... I would take on a read of two chapters at a time if you send....
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posted
I really enjoyed this and would definitely read on. I'm sure everyone knows by now that I have a passion for verbosity, descriptive imagery and poetic prose myself, so this obviously appeals to me.
"From the pulsing womb of the living planets core, Greydon emerged into a still cold pool."
Not sure if this is intended to be "still, cold pool" or "still-cold pool". Needs a comma or a dash for the sake of clarity, I do believe.
"His heart echoed as the vivaciousness of the streaming currents of the planet’s energy which had coursed through him severed, leaving him, for the first time in decades, naked and vulnerable."
I think "were severed" might work better than just severed all by itself. Not a big deal, though.
"His sluggish lungs filled with sweet damp air. Yet, he sensed a faint but familiar tinge of sulphur—a trace which reminded him of the toxic geyser this remembered place had once been."
I think including the adjective "new" or "fresh" or something similar right before "sweet, damp air" would increase the clarity of the opening scene.
"Where he had left his childhood, his tribe, and his mother to become one with, and liberate the living planet."
"to liberate and become one with the living planet" might have a better rhythm. Of course, if he had to become one with the planet before he could liberate it, chronologically speaking, this suggestion is irrelevant.
These are just some random impressions from an amateur during a first read, but hopefully you'll find something good in them. No matter what, I think you're off to an excellent start.
Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 10, 2009).]
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I want it to be awesome.
