Everyone knows how the story goes. Intrepid bachelor/bachelorette with no real family or friends gets drafted on a quest to save some land from certain doom and along the way discovers his/her true worth before living more or less happily ever after. The best ones usually add journeys to a strange new land, romance, discovering the use of a hitherto neglected talent, or all three. Toss in a bit of royalty in disguise and you're all set. That was how my mother's story went.

Of course, my mother's been dead for six years now. My three brothers and I are fairly close, and we all four of us keep in contact with our father. I'm happily married with the most adorable one-year-old twins who are just now learning to walk and... and you don't really want to hear all the details of

P.S. - I'm putting edits of this in the reply instead of trying to change the original. In case I get too carried away and someone wants to send me backwards a revision :-)

[This message has been edited by Kitti (edited February 14, 2009).]

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

Okay then newbee. Ready for this?

My opinion is probably more of personal taste but I have two huge problems with your first 13.

Problem one: First paragraph is a synopsis, and to tell you the truth it wasn't a very gripping one. I assume you are attempting a down to Earth voice that's telling a story as if the reader is having tea with her. Very risky attempt. I suggest you toss it out.

Problem two: Second paragraph is a brief bio of your MC's life. You presented as a hum-drum life and that is how it came across. Not hooky at all. The only part that peaked my interest is when the mathemagician came through the door, and I can just about guarantee you that She Who Must Be Obeyed will slice that off because of the length before most of the hatrackers will have a chance to view it.

This is what I suggest. Start at the point when the Mathemagician enters the scene. Any info before that, that you find necessary to the story, work in later as dialog, if possible. As it is now, I find your hook dull and the bait missing. Judging by the title, I suspect that you have an interesting idea. You'll need to slide things around so we can see that idea earlier.

Hope this helps.

Thanks for the critique. I've always been a bit ambivalent about this intro. I find I have a tendency to throw in my hooks around lines 15-20. Something I'm working on! So I will try again.

And for anyone who's worried about language, it just so happens that my one curse-word now falls into the beginning of the story (and any opinions on substitutes/whether it's really necessary would be appreciated).

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Some people spend their whole lives wishing for adventure. Not me. If there's one thing I learned from my mother, it's that adventures have all sorts of costs. Costs I'm not willing to pay. So when the Mathemagician showed up at my door and greeted me with, "These are troubled times-" my first response was brief and to the point.

"No f***ing way."

Of course, after I had slammed the door in his face, my good manners overcame my common sense. I opened the door again and asked, "Was there anything else you wanted, Dad?"

"Civility," he answered, clearly taken aback by my behavior. I rolled my eyes as I sighed. Sometimes, my father simply couldn't take a hint even when it was thrown in his face. Repeatedly.

If it's more of the story, I'll need to delete it, because only 13 lines are supposed to be posted.

I like the "mathemagician" wordplay. It reminds me of a BBC children's TV character, Worzel Gummidge I think, who used to talk of "electrickery".

The second version is a heck of a lot better than the first. The voice and the premise of a "mathemagician" are for me hook enough; I'd read on. A couple of small points, though ...

I'm not a prude and don't mind her swearing, but I thought her reaction to "These are troubled times" rather over the top. The comment didn't seem to warrant swearing, and if it did, I think some hint of why would be in order. This kinda links to my second point ...

She introduces him as "the mathemagician" yet knows he's her Dad, and this gives a mild feeling of the narrator holding back. Coupling this feeling with her over-reaction to his initial comment, one wonders whether she's swearing because he's an unwelcome visitor, nothing to do with the troubled times.

So I'd read on, but with caution, because I'd like a POV firmly in the narrator's head, and not withholding.

Ok, I may be in the minority here (only time will tell), but I LOVED the 2nd intro. I didn't get to see the entire original posting, as snapper was correct and She Who Must Be Obeyed came through first.

That said, I don't think it matters. I agree with the majority of snapper's comments on the original 13. This second version made me laugh my butt off. In particular:

quote:

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Of course, after I had slammed the door in his face, my good manners overcame my common sense. I opened the door again and asked, "Was there anything else you wanted, Dad?"

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I don't mind that you refer to him as 'the mathemagician' first. It gives the impression that he is the title first and foremost, and a father second. As for her cussing, I thought it fit in nicely with the intro. She started off saying "I don't want an adventure" and then one shows up at her door. I wouldn't suggest changing it unless you were shooting for a YA audience.

I think Christian's pretty much pegged all the things I was going for in the the first 13: her father is definitely his job first and father second, and she's REALLY not happy to see him. Hopefully the next couple of lines reinforce that.

Does it break all etiquette to ask if anyone is willing to critique the whole story for me, now? I couldn't quite get up the nerve to ask until I had a better sense of whether or not it was complete rubbish. :-) I'd be really interested to know if it follows up on the promise of the new first 13 or if it loses the (mathe)magic.

quote:

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Does it break all etiquette to ask if anyone is willing to critique the whole story for me, now?

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What!?! How dare you! How rude, and forward, and presumptious, and...