The usual...comments on the begining, offers to read when finished etc.

Heres an alternate version

Peter sighed inwardly. He was beginning to wonder if the grassy fields and rocky mountains he’d seen on television were some sort of illusion. He’d been wandering a long time now, and all he had found were cities filled with factories and warehouses, with only roads, highways and trash dumps between them. It seemed they went on forever.
Peter shook his head as he walked onto the streets of this new city, and saw that really they were, fundamentally, the same as those of all the others he had walked through. He had thought they would all be different but…no.
Of course, learning things like that was the point. He’d had an encounter with the unnamed spawn of the cities, the children of waste, and set off on a pilgrimage to learn.

Here is yet another version

Peter sighed inwardly. He was beginning to wonder if the grassy fields and rocky mountains he’d seen on television were some sort of illusion. He’d been wandering a long time now, and all he had found were cities filled with factories and warehouses, with only roads, highways and trash dumps between them. It seemed they went on forever.
How long had he been wandering, he wondered? How long since he’d burned out the colony of flesh-and-metal creatures that had murdered two people in his tenement home? He’d felt a sense of loss afterward, but also a nebulous sense of purpose. So he’d begun this pilgrimage.
He’d seen how people, himself included, had become distant from each other and even themselves…and most of them didn’t even know about…the others.

Heres the latest version

Peter sighed inwardly. He’d been wandering a long time now, and all he had found were cities filled with factories and warehouses, with only roads, highways and trash dumps between them. It seemed they went on forever.
How long had he been wandering, anyway? How long since he’d burned out the colony of flesh-and-metal creatures that had murdered two people in his tenement home? He’d felt a sense of loss afterward, but also a nebulous sense of purpose. So he’d begun this pilgrimage.
He’d seen how people, himself included, had become distant from each other and even themselves. Most of them didn’t even know about…the others.
He wanted to learn about the cities, the people in them and

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited April 05, 2009).]

I think this last part higlights the problem of your first 13. What "this ceaseless journe" is, is what keeps me curious, but at this point it is too vague for me, people, cities, other things. This lack of detail and description could work if it was connected to Peter's apparent emotional detachment. But in the opening lines, his detachment is also vague as if you are holding back in the characterization, "Of course, that was a good thing, he supposed." I feel that I should have a reaction to the fact that this is all the emotion that Peter can muster in the face of his ceasless journey, but it is not connecting.

"He’d been wandering a long time now, and all he had found were cities filled with factories and warehouses, and between them roads and highways and trash dumps."

I think this sentence has a few other possibilites, as well. Not necessarily improvements, just possibilities. One might be "He’d been wandering a long time now, and all he had found were cities filled with factories and warehouses, and (or with) nothing between them but roads and highways and dumps" and another might be "He'd been wandering a long time now, and all he had found were cities filled with factories and warehouses, with roads and highways and trash dumps between them." There's basically tons of possible permutations that could be tried here by moving the word "between" around, adding the word "nothing" at a cohesive spot, dropping the word "now" and replacing some of the "ands" with the word "with". If you're so inclined to play Mad Scientist with it, that is

"They went on forever it seemed."

I think this might read better as "It seemed they went on forever."

This had a cool Twilight Zone feel to it. (That's my second reference to the Twilight Zone on here in the last hour. Hope I don't have a gear stuck!) In that respect, I think the vagueness works just fine, and can hook one with the uncertainty as to what exactly those "other things" are. It makes for a good, dramatic build-up.

It'll be interesting to see what Peter's been up to since we saw him last. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Brant

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I think this last part higlights the problem of your first 13. What "this ceaseless journe" is, is what keeps me curious, but at this point it is too vague for me, people, cities, other things. This lack of detail and description could work if it was connected to Peter's apparent emotional detachment. But in the opening lines, his detachment is also vague as if you are holding back in the characterization, "Of course, that was a good thing, he supposed." I feel that I should have a reaction to the fact that this is all the emotion that Peter can muster in the face of his ceasless journey, but it is not connecting.

Disclaimer: I haven't read your other story, so if this gives important knowledge about Peter or his journey than most of my comments are off their mark. Though I would still say that, as an independent story, it should be able to stand on its own feet without the need of prior knowledge. I hope these comments are helpful.

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I always apreciate all feedback...however, I'm not sure I entirely follow all of your comments. Am I right in guessing that what your basically saying is that you dont feel a strong enough (for you) connection to the character, and that the character is himself too disconnected or unemotional?

If so, thats a common reaction to my stories in this vein. It's also largely intentional...the world of this (and some of my other stories) is an urban industrial wasteland of sorts, and its people are largely apathetic and disconnected from themselves and each other.

I had forgotten until a recent discussion brought it up that the information on the Hatrack start page does in fact instruct us to post our intentions for the story along with the first 13 (and it also says, very interestingly to me, that critiques are supposed to be within the context of those intentions.) I need to get in the habbit of doing that.

Best regards to everyone,

Brant

I can sense Peter's disconnection from what he is seeing. But his aimless wandering seems to be without purpose. There is the allusion to his learning experience. The children of waste and the unnamed spawn of the cities seem metaphorical to me and essentially uninteresting unless they are characterized. If they're not metaphorical, you might consider capitalizing them.

If Peter can watch television, it should be obvious where nature is... unless this is a fantasy world. Then why television?

I think you need to bring in at least a hint of something that motivates him toward action, maybe be a bit more specific as to what he's seeking. A quest for learning is a bit insipid for a hook.

Grammar error, by the way in first version.'This new cities streets' should read new city's streets. singular not plural. fixed in second go-around.

Sorry this reads so negative.

- Owasm

Edit: I reread your second try again. A consideration... you hinted that this city might be different. You could take that 'but... no'and make it a stronger feeling of the promise; of something new to learn. That might open up some tension that isn't there.

I know that you are hook averse, Merlion...so I won't comment on hooks.

The first two paragraphs seem to repeat the essence of each other--that it's a never-ending industrial wasteland. I think you could have used the space more effectively to achieve other ends...you could have made me feel as though I was there with Peter. As it stands I don't, I feel distant. I think you need a sentence to tie Peter to his environment--a detail--perhaps he kicks a chunk of tarmac or something and it echos off the empty buildings.

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know that you are hook averse, Merlion...so I won't comment on hooks.

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Its not an issue of being averse. I realize that what constitutes a "hook" is different for everyone, therefore trying to create a "hook" that will work equally on everyone is pointless. You would probably consider much of what I like to read (professionally published stuff) "hookless"....but it hooks me, and others.

So all you can really offer is whether or not it "hooked" you.

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The first two paragraphs seem to repeat the essence of each other--that it's a never-ending industrial wasteland. I think you could have used the space more effectively to achieve other ends...you could have made me feel as though I was there with Peter. As it stands I don't, I feel distant.

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Well the distance, as I mention, is largely intentional, and part of the point to an extent. However as you see in the most recent version, I did come to agree with you about the second paragraph.

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I think you need a sentence to tie Peter to his environment--a detail--perhaps he kicks a chunk of tarmac or something and it echos off the empty buildings.

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