posted
I am reworking an oldie. I am just interested in comments on the intro currently. I am giving it a new voice.
Even though it was my umpteeenth mission, I was unusually excited. It was just a probe recovery on some mining prospect. A hot one too, but hell, I was tickled queer for the chance to get off base. When you are in the astro core, well your life is your career. Your friends are all hot shot pricks just like you and any time in a ship beats filing paperwork and running simulators. I didn’t even mind that they brought in a new captain, half my age. “Look at this slimy little s#@!.” Hawthorne elbowed me, as if I didn’t see the pretty boy posing for the media bots on the launch platform beneath the shimmering new Sojourner. Damn that was one sexy ship. Its hull curved like a woman’s hip and thigh and glimmered like liquid silver.
posted
I like the first person voice.....I have a momentary issue with this " A hot one too,"...is it a hot mission or a hot site? radioactive or temperature, or dangerous?...I would read on...it's interesting enough with the foreshadowing of a dangerous mission...nicely tied together...please send if you want
[This message has been edited by honu (edited March 03, 2009).]
posted
Whussup Bent Tree. Looks like we might have some military SF Starship Troopers thing going here. Cool deal
"When you are in the astro core, well your life is your career"
I think you may have meant "astro corps" here, if it's a military group or somesuch.
Given the first person POV, I think "When you're in the astro core/corps" might make for more realistic dialogue, or mental dialogue, so to speak.
I think hot shot is one word, i.e. "hotshot".
"Its hull curved like a woman’s hip and thigh and glimmered like liquid silver."
I think this might work better as "Its hull was curved like a woman's hip and thigh, and glimmered like liquid silver." Having said that, this was my favorite line in the piece.
Hope this helps you out some. Looks like you've got the characterization down very well. Keep up the good work.
Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 06, 2009).]
quote:This sounds off. Like it was written by a cook pretending to be a bad a** marine. The writting is solid, but the style looks like it was mimicked.
I am a cook trying to be a bad A** marine. You know that, Snapper.
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You know that, Snapper.
