posted
I must say, I find this a little beyond R and more in line with XXX. Yet I do wonder why Tammy was running away with her tits bouncing so atrociously.
Is the MC Gene Simmons? Geez, you know how long a tongue would need to be for that?
quote:I must say, I find this a little beyond R and more in line with XXX.
Not yet it isn't, but I am worried that the reason why Tammy is running is because Billy the Champ has equipment that would make John Holmes's jaw drop.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 10, 2009).]
posted
Any takers. There is actually a very good story. This is the worst of it. Well this first scene anyway.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
There is no-o-o-o-o wa-a-a-a-ay I would pull a pun on title like that, Toby. I sent it to you. Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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The first 13 didn't quite work for me, however. First, it feels a bit cliche--doesn't almost every horror start off with, or at least involve, horny teenagers in some way? Of course, I don't know yet if this is a horror story, but the way Tammy's a-running it feels like it is.
Secondly, the first person doesn't work for me here. It has to do with the whole first person paradox. He's recounting the story so he must have survived it, yet it's written as if he's involved in the "now" of fiction. In other words, you expect us to react to him as if it's written in third person. Usually this works. However, in this case, it makes your MC seem really callous. He presumably knows what's about to happen because he's narrating it. He's about to tell us something bad has happened, yet all he really thinks about is getting laid and how Tammy's moment is ruining that for him. Unless I'm all mistaken and what happens to Tammy isn't that terrible, but funny, in which case, it might work.
posted
Hey Bent Tree. I found this to be merely PG, although I obviously haven't read the entire piece. I don't know what the criteria for the ratings system are, but I didn't think this contained anything most people haven't seen or heard of by the age of thirteen, or even ten, for that matter.
"She was a butterface; You know, she was hot, all but her face—Tammy, I think her name was."
Seemed like a strange combination of semi-colon and dash to me. Perhaps "She was a butterface. You know, she was hot-all but her face. Tammy, I think her name was" might read smoother. Probably not a big deal, though. I would definity change the semi-colon to a colon, though, if left as is.
"freaking out, tits hanging out"
Using the word "out" two times in a row here sounded funny to me. Two options spring to mind: replace the second part of the sentence with the tits doing something else, or add another part to the sentence with the word "out" at the end, to achieve poetic effect, possibly "freaking out, tits hanging out, crying her eyes out" or somesuch.
Hope I've been of some assistance. Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 11, 2009).]
posted
Not quite my cup of tea. A bit too graphic right off the bat. I wouldn't go any farther. It's not R rated, its crudely erotic.
However, a few comments. Billy the kid. Kid is generally capitalized if it's connected to the wild west outlaw. Capitalizing it makes it a stronger nickname.
I agree with the punctuation comment above. The sentence with the butter-faced Tammy is awkward.
Continuing on with Tammy, I would restructure her flight a bit. It's less important that her tits are hanging out, than she's terrified. It would be stronger if the emphasis is she ignores you, running right past you without stopping. You've got it in there, it's not put together with enough emphasis. I think that would add more tension.
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