Owasm, my first impression as a reader (not analyzing, just reading) is that this didn't grip me. I didn't identify with Charles or care what happened to him or about his thoughts./analyze mode on
You're doing a LOT of "telling". Instead of going along for the ride, we're getting a summary of past events. I always wondered why the rule was "show don't tell" until I began to read more unpublished work. Telling feels very disconnected and inconsequential because I am not experiencing the character's life firsthand.
Now to specifics.
First disconnect I have is when you use "eyes" twice in quick succession. To me, "eyes screwed shut, arm across his face" would lose the echo but keep the sentiment. And I do like "screwed" for eyes. Nice touch.
I would drop "emotional" from "deep in emotional pain". I realize why you added it; because pain can also be physical. But rather than use this adj/noun combination, try to find a single noun which conveys an even more powerful overarching sentiment.
quote:
Charles lay on his pallet in mourning.
or
quote:
Charles lay on his pallet in sadness.
Whatever it is you're trying to convey for Charles, a single noun will hit home harder than an excess adjective and tighten your sentence.
Next this troubling cloud of vapor.
quote:
His depression, a cloud of dark vapor circling his head. This cloud was no illusion. It was a real cloud of dark vapor.
I see the issue here; in your story, there is a literal cloud of vapor rather than a metaphorical one, but you know most readers are going to interpret the first phrase as a metaphor, hence the need to clarify. The problem is that it reads EXACTLY like a clarification, further detracting from the story. Plus it's another echo.
What about something to this effect:
quote:
A cloud of dark vapor encircled his head, a physical manifestation of his depression.
After this begins the telling. "It all started" is often a bad sign, at least to me. It's almost a flashing red sign stating "Exposition ahead! Real story on pause while we explain stuff!"
I'd be much more compelled to MEET Lady Vella through Charles' eyes. Or even if you want to do it in flashback format, it could be narrated rather than summed up in brief factoids.
quote:
It all started for Charles months ago when Lady Vella came to court. Such a flirt. Charles fell headlong for her. He always kept his distance. Too close and Charles feared his feelings would be exposed. Infatuation was a peril for those in the kingdom of Poretta.
It's an interesting premise, but I as a reader don't FEEL it the way I think it unravels in your head.
For example:
quote:
It all started for Frodo months ago when he found an evil ring of power. Such a burden. Frodo fell headlong into danger. He always kept things cautious. Too much use and Frodo feared his soul would be exposed. Corruption was a peril for those in Middle Earth.
This doesn't have quite the same impact as showing Frodo gradually succumb to the ring.
Again, I'm not saying your story has to begin with Lady Vella's machinations. That is one possible method.
Another option would be to skip the backstory and continue with Charles' current experience. What happens to HIM next? Then as the story continues, through dialog and Charles' thoughts, you can unravel bit by bit how he got in this situation in the first place.
If for example, you first reveal Lady Vella just as a stray thought of Charles', for example as he's lying on his pallet, he blames that flirtatious shrew, but you don't tell us why, it leaves the reader wondering, "Who? Why? Was that who put him here?"
I hope this helps. I know it's a lot.
[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited March 11, 2009).]
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