I haven't corrected the previous version...although, thanks for the pointers. This was another try at a start, although it is a little earlier in time.

Version Two:

I was in the depths of the genesis vat when Catcher swooped down. There was a tingle as my motor-controls were disabled.
“Proto, you are to be interviewed,” Guider spoke to me directly via the nanomic shards penetrating my paper-thin foetal skull.
I was rapidly transferred to a small container and taken by a silver fluo-bot to a separate room. The fluids sloshed about in the container as the fluo-bot attached my container to the central grey-glass pillar.
“Why am I here, Guider?” I said looking at the room. There was arm chair with a small box with a single red button.
“You cerebronic enhancements have recorded unusual brain activity.” Guider’s voice was as calm and re-assuring as ever. “You are to be interviewed by a member of the human-race."

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 13, 2009).]

quote:

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I had ever seen anything[i][[I hadn' ever...or I had never seen something. I think the latter offers more impact]] so beautiful.
A [i]cloned human[[human clone?]] lay motionless on the table. It had a complete face and a full set of limbs.[[I am looking for beter description...maybe mor poetic]] It was amazing and so nearly in my grasp. Tubes and pipes[[this felt rather crude. An intricate series of tubes?]] kept the soulless[[Is this the correct spelling? looks strange]] clone alive.
“Can I touch it, Guider?” I asked over the open channel.
“It's a him--but of course you may, Proto Epsilon Six. Be sure to decrease your strength to human standard,” Guider responded in an even tone. “Don’t forget, if you damage the clone you damage your future, so be careful. There is only ever one each.” [[awkward line]]
I deployed an[[my?]] articulated arm. It hissed out from my exo-shell and I touched the delicate sensor-cluster at its end to the clone’s cheek. It felt so smooth. I yearned to be inside that flesh-shell, but the only way inside was via a neuro-translocation, which was way outside my combat skill set.

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I think this is rather interesting but needs cleaned up abit.

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 13, 2009).]

Since you mention it's a human clone later, all you have to do is say "The clone lay..."in the second sentence.

The "Tubes and pipes" could be cleaned up by just using tubes with colored liquids feeding and maintaining... that would add some more animation to the scene.

I get the rest except the "combat skill-set" seems out of place. You could use "above my pay grade" (attempt at a little political humor there) or just ditch the word combat. If 'Six' gets in the body, his combat skill-set will be compromised anyway.

The vision I get is 'Six' is a little alien using a huge apparatus to get around. If that's your intent you succeeded with that.

Just my two cents.

What I got from you saying it was "a human clone" was that the MC was NOT human. And by saying the clone was "complete" hinted that the MC has seen many incomplete or damaged ones.

This was quite interesting. But then when the guider said to lower strength to human standard, I guessed that the messages I had picked up were wrong.

Calling the clone "amazing" is maybe a bit blunt. There might be a way to show the fascination of your MC by the details they notice in the body before them.

I got turned off slightly by the word "soulless". Hi-tech future christian society? Do these exoskeleton clad beings believe in souls? It seemed odd to me.

You could cut "at its end" as it is obvious the sensory cluster would be there and it breaks the flow of meaning in that sentence pretty badly.

The "combat skill set" stood out too. It doesn't seem a combat skill, to be able to transfer into a clone.

You give a lot of info and place it pretty smoothly. The typo in the very first sentence, I guess is a severe no no! I'm not a massive fan of military SF so the clunky sentence and the hints that this is going to be about a big fight, would probably have stopped me reading on.

Maybe some of this is useful. Ignore the stuff that isn't!

D

Guess I'll be late to the party...

Apart from the obvious typo, I think this is generally a solid 1st 13. As others have identified, you could probably more effectively show this alien's wonder rather than directly tell us ("It was amazing"..."I yearned to be inside..")

All in all, I found it pretty clear with some minor tweaks. "Soulless" and "tubes and pipes" could go and I'd like a more vivid picture of the surrounds.

Nick

quote:

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I had [n]ever seen anything so beautiful.
A clone[d human<--I think we'd assume it was a human, unless otherwise hinted at.] lay motionless on the table. It had a complete face and a full set of limbs. It was [amazing and<--IMHO this adds nothing, but obscures-->so nearly in my grasp]. Tubes and pipes kept the soulless [clone<--[I get the idea that it's still forming. Is that right? If so, you might want to choose a word that indicates it. Oh, and "soulless" seems a bit derisive for the narrator wanting to get his/her hands on it.] alive.

“Can I touch it, Guider?” I [asked<--maybe said would look less redundant, and there should be a "," here.] over the open channel.

“It's a him--but of course you may, Proto Epsilon Six. Be sure to decrease your strength to human standard,” Guider responded[,]<--[Nice secondary hook.] in an even tone. “Don’t forget, [if you damage the clone you damage your future<--A little clunky. I see where you're headed, but I know you're smoother.], so be careful. There is only ever one each.”

I deployed an articulated arm. It hissed out from my exo-shell and [I<--Nix, IMHO.] touched the delicate sensor-cluster at its end to the clone’s cheek. It felt so smooth. I yearned to be inside that flesh-shell, but the only way inside was via a neuro-translocation, which was way outside my combat skill set.

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I'm hooked. It could be polished a bit, but I want to know more--and that's what's important.