[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 14, 2009).]

A nit: I read "being hammered" as Steve being the subject of a hammering, not "being" as one of several senses that were being hammered into him. If you see what I mean.

Also, who in their right mind would give their child the initials SOD? (Which, as you know, can be a term of not exactly endearment here in the UK, unlike the US.)

I take your point on being...not sure it adds much anyway.

Thanks for your comments but I am 2k words into it and it is probably going to be about 4-5k.

Two nits - 1) The 'scream with' The with at the end of the sentence seems awkward to me (ending a sentence with a preposition.) 2) I understand the sphere element to start, but then you abandon it when he just pops out of the transport medium.

- Owasm

"Some bubbles ruptured and others joined."

An alternative might be, "Some bubbles ruptured, while others joined." Not necessarily an improvement, but perhaps an alternative.

"One grew larger than the rest; stabilising its form and pulsing like a living heart."

I think it might be possible to drop "its form".

It began to pull irresistibly at Steve Orbison-Daltrey's
essence.

"Pulling" instead of "to pull" might be an alternative here.

Random musing: Steve Orbison-Daltrey sounds a lot like Kathleen Dalton Woodbury. Hmm...Conscious? Subconscious? Jungian synchronicity? Mind-control technique to hijack Kathleen's brain so that you can be the Supreme Ruler of Hatrack?

"His perception shredded as it slid through the sphere's boundary wall and he would have screamed, but he had no throat to scream with."

Kind of sounded like it was his perception which slid through the sphere's boundary wall. I think the last half of this might be more effective and impactful as its own sentence, i.e. "He would have screamed, but he had no throat to scream with.

Micro-eternity=cool concept!

"Then, like a punch in the face, he felt a snap as reality assembled around him"

Might also work as "Then he felt a snap, like a punch in the face, as reality assembled around him."

Time trans-location process read awkwardly to me. I think the problem might be having the word time in front of it; kind of feels like its a misplaced noun that would be better off as an adjective, or possibly dropped. Trans-temporal might be one alternative.

"world crashed back together" might be an alternative

Light, sound, gravity and being hammered his senses.

An alternative that popped into my mind here is, "Light, sound, gravity, and existence itself hammered his senses."

"Jesus," he said and swayed back and forth>

Replacing "and" with "as he" might be an option here.

Please don't be alarmed by the length of this response. I really, really enjoyed this piece, especially the concepts of micro-eternity and reality assembling, and I feel that the missing throat is a great hook. Hopefully you'll find some assistance or inspiration in my ramblings, and I didn't just write a bunch of useless gibberish here.

Best regards,

Brant

quote:

---

Random musing: Steve Orbison-Daltrey sounds a lot like Kathleen Dalton Woodbury. Hmm...Conscious? Subconscious? Jungian synchronicity? Mind-control technique to hijack Kathleen's brain so that you can be the Supreme Ruler of Hatrack?

---

memo: codephrase-alpha-niner-one-six/subjectcode:KDW#2-identifiedthreat-BrantDanay/action:terminate.

No, Brant. It was just a name I came up with...doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, right.

I think;

quote:

---

Steve Orbison-Daltrey's essence. His perception shredded as it slid through the sphere's boundary wall and he would have screamed,

---

3.5K words...suggestions for title accepted. Tentatively as above 'Paradoxically Correct...'

If you want further details before reading it, please email me...