posted
Dirty drive mass. The impurities give it a higher power to weight ratio, but there's risks if you don't scan your Dolmar-plates regularly. An energy spike kicks you to the otherside of the galaxy, then fries your ride. They don't tell you that at smuggler school, mostly because there isn't one. So there I was, drifting in space in the tiny escape pod-for-one that the Runner carried. My cargo--Engoro Aphrodisiac--dissapeared in the same burst of photons that took my ship, smearing it across two light-years of deep space like some pathetic excuse for a supernova. I was stranded in a tiny sphere twelve thousand light years from any known world. "Mmm. Yes, it is a problem--but only a minor one," the pod responded to my question about the airsupply.
Revised:
The impurities in the dirty drive mass gave it a higher power to weight ratio. The risks--I found out too late--were that a random energy spike may kick you to the far side of the galaxy and then fry your ride. They don't tell you that at smuggler school--mostly because there isn't one. So there I was, drifting in space in the Runner's one-man escape pod. My cargo--Engoro Aphrodisiac--gone in the same burst of photons that smeared my ship across two light-years of deep space, in some pathetic excuse for a supernova. I was stranded in a tiny ping-pong ball, twelve thousand light years from any known world. "Mmm. Yes, it is a problem--but only a minor one," the pod responded to my question regarding the air supply.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 17, 2009).]
posted
Very good. I actually like the first version's opening of 'Dirty drive mass', but the rest of version two read better-- improved flow and better voice.
You could restructure the beginning as:
'Dirty drive mass. Impurities give you a higher power to mass ratio.'
(I'd use mass rather than weight in a spaceflight application. But that's my personal preference.)
Other than that, I really liked it. No better hook than being stranded twelve thousand light years from the nearest petrol station.
posted
I enjoyed this opening and particularly liked the humour. I also liked the almost hitchhiker's-guide feel of the predicament.
The only nitpicky issue I had was with the sense of scale: same burst of photons that smeared my ship across two light-years of deep space, vs twelve thousand light years from any known world
causes me to have to stop reading and think too much - are we two light-years away from where we came from? So should we care about the twelve thousand? What's the difference - or significance - between the two vs twelve thousand?
If the significance of the 'two' is not sufficient, I'd find it easier to read without it: that smeared my ship across light-years of deep space, thus it doesn't matter whether it's two or twelve thousand - the only number I have to worry about is the 12k and the MC's isolation.
posted
Well, thanks for the comments and for reading. Not ready for readers as it exists only in my head. I will re-post for readers when it's ready.
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Is one of the best opening lines I've ever read. You've got me hook, line, and sinker...
I'm gonna write it down.
However, I found the bulk of your second opening much more engaging than the first. Just a little switchero, and in my opinion, your golden. Let us know when it is done.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 18, 2009).]
posted
Hilarious! I love this character already. As long as he doesn't go stereotypical Han Solo. Either way, I'm definitely hooked.
The only thing that pulled me out of the moment was "They don't tell you that at smuggler school--mostly because there isn't one." For some reason it seems a bit amateurish but I can't really say why (great comment, I know haha).
"They don't tell you that at smuggler school--of course there's no such thing." Maybe? Or maybe it's because you come out and address the reader directly. If it doesn't bother anyone else, then it's probably no biggie, but I just know it tripped me up a little.
posted
Just dropping in to say that "Dirty drive mass" pulled me in immediately too. I thought it was a great first sentence. (Except it isn't one. Hmm.)
I found your second version too spelled out compared to the first. Actually too easy to read?! The first is more compelling.
This sentence - "An energy spike kicks you to the otherside of the galaxy, then fries your ride," seemed a bit clunky. It would be smoother to me if you went "Risks like an energy spike kicking you... then frying..." But maybe all those "ings" wouldn't be pretty.
posted
Really, really prefer the original to the revised.
The original I liked. Yes, the opening was perhaps a little abrupt (if such a thing is possible), but the revision fails to interest me. 'Dirty drive mass' as an opening gambit is more engaging than 'The impurities in the dirty drive mass gave it a higher power to weight ratio.' I want a story, not a physics lesson.
Ditto IRWhite on 'air supply', 'other side' and 'escape pod'. Other than that, I say stick with what you had.
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