posted
What of Lazarus Fantasy Complete First Draft 13 pages, 2500 words
Fire and blood, that is what Sander saw. The world stretched out before him was dominated by lakes of boiling lava, sulfur vents belching toxic gasses into the air, and sharp mountains stabbing into the ashen sky. His thoughts turned to his darling Cora, his love that he would never see again. No, he mustn’t let his thoughts dwell on her; they would only drive him mad. This prison was his punishment for saving the world. He had done this to save his people, to save Cora. The words were like ashes in his mouth when he looked out across this living hell he had created. “Sander.” This wasn’t his world. He refused to believe that Arnos had a place like this within it.
Looking for critiques on the first 13 and offers to read more.
This is a short story version of a seed I started a while back. If you decide to go fishing for it, there is a version more or less a copy of this in the novel section as well.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 24, 2009).]
posted
Fire and blood, that(cut 'that' and the comma) is what Sander saw. The world stretched out(cut 'out') before him (Not sure you need 'before him' either...I would try 'The world dominated by lakes...))was dominated by lakes of boiling lava, sulfur vents belching toxic gasses into the air(...into the air' seems redundant as what else could they do?), and sharp mountains stabbing into the ashen sky. His thoughts turned to his darling( redundant as you mention his love later...it feels repetitive) Cora, his love that he would never see again. No, he mustn’t let his thoughts dwell on her; they would only drive him mad (this could be said briefer--No, he lifted his chin. He must forget her. Just an example, but it includes some physical action, and most of your intro is sight and thought.). This prison was his (-cut) punishment for saving the world. He had done this to save his people, to save Cora. The words(He hasn't spoken...so they are thoughts) were like ashes in his mouth when he looked out across this living hell he had created. “Sander.” (who says this? Is he calling his own name?) This wasn’t his world. He refused to believe that Arnos What is Arnos?)had a place like this within it.
There are some mild hooks in this. I think the emotional hooks you have tried to create are a little crude and at times a little expository.
-He had done this to save his people, to save Cora.
This is for the readers benefit and repeats his attachment to Cora (who is? wife, daughter, sister?). It also identifies that Sander was to blame for the problem. However you mention his attachement to Cora in the previous sentence and that he is to blame in the next sentence--so thee is some redundancy. The above sentence could have been used for something else...save them from what? How does he physically feel--is he hot, cold..is it windy? That sort of stuff--at the moment it's kinda like he's watching it on TV.
posted
I'll give it a go. send er along. Have er pick up some coffee, and a toasted almond- currant scone on the way. *Yawn*
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Good first draft. It has strong imagery, a hook and hints of more to come. I'd go back and revise the description, though: a lot of it seems too much like standard SF staple and less like something you made your own. If you haven't, read some Leigh Brackett: she does magnificent over-the-top descriptions of violently horrible landscapes.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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