posted
Greetings. I am new at writing fiction though I possess much experience writing for academics. I am unsure what I can learn from a group such as this or what I could possibly contribute. But here are thirteen lines of an incomplete short that has been stuck in my mind for some time now.
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The events began the night I first glimpsed Maria. We met, or rather, I caught her, one snowy December evening. I believed most events occur by chance; an interplay of entropy and causality that no man or machine can accurately predict. Maria believed in fate. Fate, she implored, loosed her footing while precisely positioning me to catch her. Perhaps fate dislodged that one unique paper from the stack she gripped tightly against her chest, drifting aimlessly to my feet. Once retrieved, its oddity immediately compelled me. The page consisted of calendrical diagrams and iconography perhaps belonging to an ancient people such as the Mayans. Maria scribbled her own Spanish notes along the margins, directed towards devices in the manuscript. My ignorance of Spanish
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 23, 2009).]
posted
Much too wordy. You've got a nice little hook at the end.
Your prologue has too many words with too little meaning to the reader first encountering the story. The reader assumes a dose of fate is in store, it is fiction after all.
I suggest trimming it up so that we get to Maria losing her paper sooner in the beginning.
The last three sentences make for a nice hook, although the fourth from last sentence is a bit too much of an infodump for inclusion in a beginning.
I hope that helps.
As for getting experience, this is a good place to see where your fiction skills stack up. It also really helps to see what others write and read the comments. I've done tons of business writing and fiction is a totally different animal... some of the words are the same.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited April 20, 2009).]
I liked this quite a bit. It is not clear whether this is a speculative story, which is the special interest of this forum; but literary stories are welcomed here too. The speculative bit rests on what you do with the paper that came flying out of the stack. This doesn't concern me in the least however. If the story is published in Analog, for example, the reader will expect it to be speculative (and it will be or the premise wouldn't be true). If if it found its way into The New Yorker, the reader would be outraged if it were speculative...and it wouldn't be.
My only criticism is minor. I think the second sentence trips up the reader a bit with three commas; perhaps the second two can be reassigned to a later paragraph
posted
Hi dintverge. It would help to know what you are aiming at here: genre fiction (sci-fi, fantasy, ...?), literary fiction, etc. Without much more to go on, I'll give you my general thoughts on this fragment - bear in mind it's just opinion.
Overall I didn't feel adequately hooked by this. The problem, at a guess, is that this fragment establishes the story will be about "The events" but then goes on to describe something apparently unrelated apart from the coincidence of their timing. If this is really 'when' the story is beginning, I'd have liked more of a hint as to why this introduction to the characters is relevant.
quote:(1)The events began the night I first glimpsed Maria. We met, or rather, I caught her, one snowy December evening. I believed most events (2)occur by chance; an (3)interplay of entropy and causality that no man or machine can accurately predict. Maria believed in fate. Fate, she (4)implored, loosed her footing while precisely positioning me to catch her. Perhaps fate dislodged that (5)one unique paper from the stack she gripped tightly against her chest, drifting aimlessly to my feet. Once retrieved, its oddity immediately compelled me. The page consisted of (6)calendrical diagrams and iconography (7)perhaps belonging to an ancient people such as the Mayans. Maria (8)scribbled her own Spanish notes along the margins, directed towards devices in the manuscript. My ignorance of Spanish concealed her thoughts from my curiosity. Maria politely smiled as she removed the paper from my hand.
(1) This is an okay introduction, however it implies that not only is the story about the 'events', but that, at some level, this opening paragraph will be too.
(2) Believed implies that the narrator has since had his mind changed; I wasn't sure, but I found the tense of occur to grate a little, as if I'd prefer to see it as 'occurred'.
(3) This phrase makes sense and is fine, however I worry that you're creating a narrator who comes across as well educated and prone to long, verbose description, as if he is relating a thesis, rather than a story. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, except that should you be aiming for genre fiction and its corresponding audience, this approach may alienate too many readers, as they'll probably have to read it twice to understand. If aiming at a more literary market this is probably fine. Either way, I expect the narrator to hold to this tone throughout.
(4) The tense of this half suggests it is an action occurring in the 'now' of the story. Ie, rather than 'Fate, she implored', what if it were 'Fate, she would implore' - ie, since he's only just met her, she must in point of fact make this observation at a later date.
(5) A person carrying a stack of paper would, to most readers, only risk losing the topmost page. To instead suggest it is the 'one unique paper' seems odd.
(6) Nothing particularly concerns me here, except for the concern stated in (3).
(7) This reads as a double dose of the narrator being unsure of himself (perhaps, such as), which raises problems for me as a reader. I expect to be engaged with this character and able to relate to them. Now that he's (apparently) throwing out wild guesses while also trying to impress me with his vocabulary, my respect for him has evaporated and my interest in the story with it.
(8) Without the past perfect 'had', this implies she did it during the 'now' of the fragment.
My take on this as an opening is that it doesn’t really matter whether the story is intended to be speculative or literary; the issues are the same.
As Owasm has flagged, you use a lot of words in a 1st person POV to get your point across. While a verbose 1st person protagonist can be used to make a thematic point (i.e. Nabakov’s Lolita), it’s a high risk approach. For some readers, this approach will work, but as BenM has pointed out, the protagonist is substituting vocabulary for clarity and that can lose reader sympathy. Literary or speculative, I believe that a dynamic character creates reader interest. The protagonist is telling me about himself and Maria, rather than letting me come to conclusions about them through observation.
Personally, my approach would be to replace most of the adverbs (“precisely”, “tightly”, “aimlessly”, “immediately”, “politely”’) with dynamic verbs and to focus on the key event and how it changes the protagonist’s life. We can learn about the protagonist’s and Maria’s different approaches to life through watching how they react to events.
Your protagonist knows what the events are, so by referring to them as “the events” rather than being more specific, you’re engaging in a form of withholding.
As always, just my opinion and I’m frequently wrong.
posted
The load of adverbs kept jumping out at me as well. Try cutting them, at least most of them, and I'll bet you have a stronger, less cluttered opening.
posted
I meant no disrespect regarding whether this forum could help me or I could help this forum. I simply possess little experience writing fiction.
My character is erudite because he is a theoretical computer scientist. I write what I know, I suppose. I agree with all of your critiques. The story is most definitely alive in me but I cannot bring myself to proficiently form it into words.
The original "hook" I felt was a disaster. But here it is:
"Humanity slept adrift through time and space, presuming its apparent emptiness. We were not after all so very alone. Our slumber ended as the cobalt blue lights rained down from our familiar stars, transforming our world into an effervescent doomsday. All that remained were our dreams from yesterday. This is the last testament of Peter Miro."
"Humanity died in its sleep. Adrift through time and space, we presumed emptiness reigned that dark void surrounding us. But we were not after all so very alone. From that void emerged some unknown presence that transformed our world into an effervescent doomsday. Cobalt blue lights rained ceaselessly from our once familiar skies. The glowing landscape warped and heaved as if it too were alive. Cities darkened and then illumed with that sickly hue. All that remained were our dreams of yesterday. This is the last testament of Peter Miro."
posted
It's interesting that you think the original was "a disaster", because I found that original hook more compelling than the opening in your first post.
Granted, it's a bit of an "infodump" (burying the reader under a dump of background info and details) that has more "tell" than "show".
But there's something about it that would hold my interest. I like the quality of the writing... your descriptions of sleep and blue light and glowing landscape lend an almost bucolic feel to doomsday. I like that.
But to keep my attention after an opening like this, I would hope the story would quickly show Peter Miro involved in some action that makes us identify with him and establishes (via actions) why he's telling us his story.
posted
Welcome to our disfunctional little family. If you're willing to listen to comments and comment on other people's stories, you'll find that your fiction writing will greatly improve.
I liked the voice. I think that some trimming of the first post and the addition of the last could make a really strong opening.
This is what I mean:
Humanity died in its sleep. Adrift through time and space, we presumed emptiness reigned that dark void surrounding us. But we were not after all so very alone. From that void emerged some unknown presence that transformed our world into an effervescent doomsday. Cobalt blue lights rained ceaselessly from our once familiar skies. The glowing landscape warped and heaved as if it too were alive. Cities darkened and then were illumed with that sickly hue I don't think of "colbot blue" being a "sickly hue" . All that remained were our dreams of yesterday. This is the last testament of Peter Miro."
***
The events began the night I first glimpsed Maria. We met, or rather, I caught her, one snowy December evening. This could be trimmed to "I caught Maria one snowy December evening." I believed most events occur by chance; an interplay of entropy and causality that no man or machine can accurately predict. Maria believed in fate. Fate, she implored, loosed her footing while percisely positioning me to catch her. I think this sentance doesn't help while the next one --> conveys the information in a more compelling way Perhaps fate dislodged that one unique paper from the stack she gripped tightly against her chest, drifting aimlessly to my feet her chest drifted aimlessly? . Once retrieved, its oddity immediately you can lose the -ly word compelled me. The page consisted of calendrical diagrams and iconography perhaps belonging to an ancient people such as the Mayans.
Maria scribbled her own Spanish notes along the margins, directed towards devices in the manuscript. My ignorance of Spanish concealed her thoughts from my curiosity. these two sentances aren't necessary Maria politely kill the -ly because it's adding nothing to the description smiled as she removed the paper from my hand. [/quote]
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