posted
I don't know why I keep writing horror. Bad dreams or something. This one was actually a nightmare. I'm looking for readers, and comments on the first thirteen. ~Sheena
I remember the sound of his voice. It was melodic calm. I don’t remember a single word he said, though I remember well the way he spoke. I remember his face. I had seen it so many times on television, and at the station. I knew well who he was. He was the smiling killer. A man so bold that he left pictures of himself smiling, when we discovered their bodies. I knew him better than anyone did. I lead the case. His name was Anthony. Anthony Park. We knew where he was. We knew where he lived. We tried many times to catch that SOB, but it never worked. He sent back a van full of swat members. Dead, tortured. There was no touching him. Mistake after mistake, anyone who went after him was found tortured the next morning.
My first reaction to this was that you have a lot of "I"'s and "we"'s in there, particularly in the first two lines. A second look at this, and I think I'll recommend that you start with the line, "His name was Anthony." I'm not sure whether or not to recommend ditching the repetition. It's probably fine, but the first thing that jumped to my mimd was, "His name was Bond. James Bond."
And your last line seemed a little rough to me; the first phrase does not necessarily match with the second.
posted
I'll crit the whole thing if you like. I'm in the middle of an Elmore leonard book right now so my mind is in the right place for a police thriller. (with a twist I'm sure)
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