1st 13 only, the story isn't finished...Anyway, I know the 1st 13 is quite heavy on exposition, but I was wondering whether it still worked? Nick
quote:As far as Inawinytji knew, fifteen people had promised the Ngalyod serpent they would bring the soul of a murderer in exchange for the victim within three days. Thirteen of those promises had been made in the years since the accord between the Great Dreaming and Queen Victoria. Five times a killer had been brought to the great rainbow-colored beast and the victims resurrected. The ten failures had paid with their souls. In his policing career, Inawinytji had successfully wagered the soul of a killer against his own three times and it made him famous in the joint nation of Australia-Dreaming. Inawinytji didn't routinely reflect upon his celebrity, but yesterday's paper had mentioned him in the gossip columns. Hettie was not the jealous type, but he still did not wish to...
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 14, 2009).]
posted
First of all, the name of the MC Inawinytji is just too much of a mouthful or mindful for me. It was very distracting. I guess it gets reduced to Hettie at the end. I would suggest doing the opposite and introduce the MC as Hettie and use the full name later.
The exposition doesn't do anything to get me into the story. There's a dream society (aboriginal? being in Australia)and a commonwealth society. The sacrifice of the murderers and subsequent resurrection is a bit much to take in the first 13.
All of the numbers were confusing and made the reading a harder slug: Fifteen times, thirteen times, ten times, five times, three times, three days.
The focus on the first paragraph is on the serpent rather than on Hettie. I'd get it on Hattie first, even if it is totally unrelated to his three triumphs, rather than on the Dreaming/Australia thing and the serpent.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited May 14, 2009).]
posted
Aye caramba! There's a lot going on here. Too many weird names. So many numbers it sounds like one of those math problems--if three people boarded the bus at station A, and five people got on and two people got off at Station B....
quote: As far as Inawinytji I tripped up here. knew, fifteen people had promised the Ngalyod another trip up for meserpent they would bring the soul of a murderer in exchange for the victim within three days On first read I thought he was thinking of one incident--i.e., all fifteen people vying for one victim. But it's multiple victims, right?. Thirteen of those promises had been made in the years since the accord between the Great Dreaming and Queen Victoria Why is this significant? Right now, it's just more names and numbers. Five times a killer had been brought to the great rainbow-colored beast and the victims resurrected You need plural killers, too.. The ten failures had paid with their souls. In his policing career, Inawinytji had successfully wagered the soul of a killer against his own three times and it made him famous in the joint nation of Australia-Dreaming so wait, he's not including himself in the numbers above? Or he is?. Inawinytji didn't routinely reflect upon his celebrity, but yesterday's paper had mentioned him in the gossip columns. Hettie Now another name. At least this one is pronounceablewas not the jealous type, but he still did not wish to...
I'm not hooked. Some of the concepts seem interesting--trading murderer souls for victims, Australia-Dreaming, which I'm taking as some sort of parallel universe or other-realm--but over all, I'm left with tired out from trying to do the math. Plus, i don't see a story. I don't even see the hint of a story. He's already successfully won against the serpent, so that can't be it. Is it the jealous? Not enough there yet to intrigue me.
I agree with what's been said so far. My eyes blurred in the first paragraph. What really interested me was the start about being in the gossip columns, especially in contrast with his name and the details of the world (which you could introduce more slowly). I'd be interested in seeing what comes after that, and how it would work in the first 13.
-bc
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited May 14, 2009).]
Thanks for the feedback. Guess I'll try a simplification:
quote:Ina didn't routinely read the gossip column, but the paper had falsely linked him with Lady North's daughter and misspelled Inawinytji to boot. In his policing career, he had successfully wagered the Great Serpent for the soul of a killer against his own three times. He guessed that made him famous. His fiancee was not the jealous type, but he still did not wish to encourage the reporting of imaginary liaisons with various English debutantes. A knock on the door disturbed his reading. "Come in". Brendan entered, his eyes shining with excitement. Ina sighed. "I'll wager my soul if a killer writes his name and lodgings at the scene, but otherwise the chances are minimal." He didn't reply and he realized the look in Brendan's eyes was
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 15, 2009).]
quote:Anyway, I know the 1st 13 is quite heavy on exposition...
Just my opinion, but I think it is a good idea to avoid putting ideas in our heads. I have written intros that have been'slow starters', for example, but if I mentionned that, then I am certain everyone would judge it against that criteria specifically.
I think that you then lose the general impression people will get from your work...it may be a slow starter, but they may not notice because they think it is so well written! (if only!)
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