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Author Topic: The Festival-Fantasy-2,400 words
Merlion-Emrys
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A story about a world-hopping wizard visiting a modern day Renaissance Festival.and among other things, comparing the experiences with actual "medieval" times and places.

Comments on the begining ok, offers to read when done better.

Emrys stood in line, waiting to buy a turkey leg. He still wasn’t sure why he’d come to this festival. He knew it was likely going to frustrate and annoy him. He’d been drawn here for two reasons, he supposed.
One was to see how people in this world, which had moved on and collectively chosen to forget about its magic, would try to depict a past time when it was still remembered.
Two, the idea of he, a wizard, walking through such a world undisguised (well, except for his clawed hand and foot, but that was a little different) staff in hand, without drawing anyone’s attention appealed to his sense of irony.
So he stood, with a man dressed as a troll (although most of the trolls he’d seen—and he’d seen quite a few—were much less


New version


Emrys stood in line, waiting to buy a turkey leg, with a man dressed as a troll (although most of the trolls he’d seen—and he’d seen quite a few—were less hairy) in front of him and a young lady in short-shorts and a tank top behind him.
He wasn’t sure what had drawn him to this place, a world that had all but forgotten it’s magic. Or why he’d come to the festival—this worlds attempt to re-create a time before the magic was forgotten.
He wanted to see how they’d do it he supposed. And the idea of he, a wizard, walking through such a world undisguised (well, save for his clawed arm and leg, but that was another story) without drawing attention appealed to his sense of irony.
The troll received his turkey leg and Emrys stepped up and


Third version


Emrys stood in line, waiting to buy a turkey leg. In front of him stood a man dressed as a troll. Although, all the trolls Emrys had seen—and he’d seen quite a few—were much less hairy. Behind him was a young woman in short-shorts.
He wasn’t sure what had drawn him to this place, a world that had all but forgotten its magic. Or why he’d come to the festival—this world’s attempt to re-create a time before the magic was rejected.
He supposed he wanted to see how they’d do it. And the idea of him, a wizard, walking through such a world undisguised (well, save for his taloned arm and leg) without drawing attention appealed to his sense of irony.
The troll received his turkey leg and Emrys stepped up and

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited July 16, 2009).]


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monstewer
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To be honest, this doesn't seem to be the most natural place to start a story. You have a guy standing in a queue waiting to buy a turkey leg and wondering why he bothered coming to a place that is likely to be frustrating. Not a whole lot there to make me want to keep reading--if this wizard is wondering whether its going to be worth his time coming to this place, then why should the reader feel any different?

I think having him list the reasons as he does here sounds a bit stilted, I prefer openings which are more flowing and pull you into the story so you've read a couple of pages even before you stop to think about it.

The main hook you have here is this wizard in a foreign place alien to him; I think you need to play on that more--show all these different sites and sounds which are new to him rather than a queue and just a couple of faceless people either side of him. Showing us a different world through the eyes of a wizard would probably be enough to make me read on, at the moment, if I saw this in a mag I think I would probably skip it.

Good luck with it, and I'll get your other one back to you soon


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Jeff M
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Further to monstewer's comments, I too think establishing place and character a bit before gettting into his frustration would be helpful to the reader.

I like starting with him standing in line, but then maybe describe the troll standing next to him (making it clear he's in costume) and then explain the bit about irony (a wizard being able to walk around undisguised). Now we've got some idea of who he is and generally where he is. Then you could introduce the frustration.


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Merlion-Emrys
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Thanks guys. There are some difficult elements to figuring out how to word and order things in this piece thanks to the "double setting" and Emrys's status as a very very old mage who's been just about everywhere...including places that are concurrent with the "modern" world chronologicaly but still exist in a "medieveal" state. I trust with a little assistance I'll be able to iron it all out.


The frustration thing, mostly, is a nod to those who want a running commentary of the interior of the characters head...


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TheHopper
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A great wizard in the middle of a renaissance festival? What in the great name of Davy Jones could he possibly be doing there? Seems like a good premise, but the way it's presented here makes it boring.

If you want a running narrative inside his head, might I suggest presenting the narrator mulling over what is at stake here? Whatever the reason he is there for, I'm sure there are some things that are dangerous/antagonistic. Have him mull over the problems he is facing and how he is going to solve them. At the same time, don't be too specific, just enough to get the reader hooked.

That's my advice. But I think I'll pass on reading the thing until you've re-written the whole story, if you do.


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Merlion-Emrys
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I commonly do polish and edits rather than complete re-writes. I tend to try to get things the way I want them the first time.

I do plan on re-working the begining, but I don't even have it finished yet so...


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MGillaspy
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I like how it starts off with him standing in line because it’s an odd place to start a story and it did grab my attention because I was like “What’s he standing in line for?” But I like weird mundane opening settings. What did kind of turn me off a little with the first paragraph was all the short sentences. I think it might flow better if there weren’t so many breaks in the thought. I really like the image of a full blown wizard posing as a fake at a renaissance festival, very humorous! I really liked that part. I think I would keep reading because it has the potential to be a funny fantasy which is nice between dreary bouts of serious ones.

~MG


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Merlion-Emrys
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Posted a new version of the begining. I'm hoping to have the darn thing done soon.
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dmccord70056
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I love the idea! I think that many of the other commentors are expecting a first person story. That angle might be worth following up. I would definitely keep reading it.
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MAP
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I like this opening, interesting premise. The second is much better.

You use forgotten two times really close together and that bugged me. Maybe change forgotten to lost in the line "...re-create a time before the magic was forgotten."

Another place I was stopped was in the line "...walking through such a world undisguised (well, save for his clawed arm and leg, but that was another story) without drawing attention appealed to his sense of irony." The portion in parentheses was too long and I felt that it lost continuity. I would cut "but that was another story".

Overall, I liked it, and would definately read on.


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Merlion-Emrys
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Thanks MAP. Lost won't really work, because it isn't actually lost, but I'll see about another synonym or something.

It's not first person but its a very, very close third person which is pretty easy for me to do with this particular character. I'm not really sure I'm happy with how its turning out but its best to finish anyway...


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snapper
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I like the second version. It established who your MC is, where he is at, and why he is there. The premise is interesting enough to want to read on.
I really don't see anything that needs changed. I'd might cut this...

but that was another story

...but it really doesn't take anything away from the opening.

Nice work.


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Merlion-Emrys
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Finished, finally. Can I get Unfinished replaced with 2,400 words? Thanks.

Anyone for a read?


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Merlion-Emrys
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I've reconfrabulated this quite a bit, changed the begining and added/edited various things. Its about 2,300 words now, still looking for more eyes for the new version.
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ScardeyDog
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I'd love to read it, but I don't have much (read: any) experience as a critiquer. Let me know if you still want my help.
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kingtermite
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I like the first 13. It sounds fun. I'd love to read it. Send it on if you'd like my critique.
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Merlion-Emrys
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Any read is a good read pretty much. ScaredyDog, your email isn't avaible so you'll have to email me so I can send it to you.
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babooher
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I'd like to read this. The concept is interesting, and I want to see how you pull it off.
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