posted
Self-Criticism: Year 212, Day 195 I am an impure man. I am a vile man. A weak man. I frequently allow carnal thoughts to enter my mind and I can’t dismiss them right away. My weakness is a threat to the Civ. I am like a drain in the Supply. Worse. I deserve punishment, purification.
I would take it all if it would get her out of my head.
A blur and then my pen tip stills against the page. My eyes feel dry, red. I blink hard. The scribbled markings beneath my fingers come into focus and I snap my hand away. Somehow, I have written sixteen pages about her. Sixteen pages, and the words are already a haze. It’s happened again.
A hard lump jams in my throat. Trying to swallow, I set the pen down beside my criticism. My hand shakes. This is the second time I’ve done this in the past ten days. I’m losing control.
----- This is the first work of short fiction I've written in a long time (been focused on novels,) and I am just curious to see how I did. Are you hooked? Also, I would really appreciate a reader or two, if anyone is willing. I'd gladly swap critiques.
posted
Hmm, you've hooked me. I'll read... but I'm going to be out of town for a long weekend,so I can't promise a speedy return.
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posted
I like the writing and the voice, and see very few nits:
How do eyes feel red? Maybe feeling dry is enough.
"It's happened again." and "...second time ... in the past ten days." is almost redundant, but within the narrator's voice. One or the other could be omitted, but only to include something more important in the first 13 lines.
I read two speculative elements in this fragment:
The Civ and the Supply, 'impure man' and 'purification' imply a collective society with a standard of purity. It reminds me of the Little Red Book era in China. I'm curious to see how you've built that society and how dystopian it is.
The blur, the sudden 16 pages about 'her' and that it has happened before lead me to expect a psychological drama. I'm personally less hooked by those.
Curiosity wins. I'll offer to read it, if you like.
Jeff-Great points. Also, I definitely see what you mean about the opening giving off a psychological drama vibe. I might need to tweak that a bit. It's really more of a forbidden love story, though the MC is slightly unstable mentally.
Anyway, I appreciate the comments. I'd welcome anymore. Thanks!
posted
I haven't jumped into the first-13 critiques for a while, but here goes:
I really like the simplicity and directness here. It takes little work on my part to follow what's going on. I would read on.
I'm not crazy about the present tense, but that's mostly personal taste. It works in the self-critique, but it seems you should differentiate what the MC is writing from his internal thoughts. Especially because both are in first person. However, if you've written the entire novelette in present tense, you might not be inclined to change that now.
Also, I agree with Jeff on cutting "It's happened again." You don't want to say the same thing twice.
posted
It sounds like the character has been fighting his inner demons for a long, long time. Maybe not successfully, but certainly with tenacity. I'm less interested in the person writing about him. Are they the same? Is one channelling the other? Simply making him up would seem the least interesting outcome. The first few lines are definitely interesting. I'd be willing to keep reading.
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