I'd love comments on the 1st 13 and offers for the whole thing. I've been out of the loop for a while, so let me know if I owe you a crit.
Regards,
Nick
Version 1
quote:In life, Hetty’s eyes had promised Ina love, hope and possibility. Now they promised nothing. Flies feasted on the wet of them, already numerous though it was just past dawn. Ina brushed them away, grief sharpening to flint-hard anger. Palm-sized bruises marked her pale throat. His gorge rose as he looked at her body and he vomited a thin, acidic stream onto the cobblestoned road. Eimear squeezed his shoulder. Before she could pull him away from his new wife's body, Ina closed his eyes and asked his Father's mawn to allow him into the Dreaming. The crowd of people, the iron street lights, the buildings and the cobblestoned road vanished. Hetty's body rested upon lush green grass in an empty glade. Overhead, the sun shone warm yellow instead of the nicotine pallor of the Sydney sun.
Version 2
quote:In life, his wife’s eyes had promised Billy love. Now they promised nothing but food to the flies feasting upon them. He shooed them away, grief sharpening to anger as he examined the rope-thick bruise necklaced across her white throat. Billy closed his eyes and asked his Father's mawn to allow him into the Dreaming.
His assistant Eimear, Sergeant Detective Molony, the police officers, the iron street lights, the buildings and the cobblestoned road vanished. Hetty's body rested upon lush green grass in an empty glade. Overhead, the sun shone warm yellow instead of the nicotine pallor of the Sydney sun. He put his ear to the ground next to her and heard the breathing of a dirt mawn hibernating deep within the ground.
Version 3
quote:In life, his wife’s eyes had promised Bill love. Now they promised nothing. The pre-dawn air spat thick with flies drawn to the moisture of her eyes and he shooed them away, grief sharpening to anger as he examined the rope-thick bruise necklaced across her white throat. Bill closed his eyes and asked his Father's mawn to allow him into the Dreaming. His assistant Eimear, Sergeant Detective Molony, the police officers, the iron street lights, the buildings and the cobblestoned road vanished. Hetty's body rested upon lush green grass in an empty glade. Overhead, the sun shone warm yellow instead of the nicotine pallor of the Sydney sun. [/b]
Version 4
quote:In life, his wife’s eyes had promised Bill faith and love. Now they promised nothing, her eyes as cold and still as doll's eyes and all his hopes a stone on his tongue. The dawn air swum thick with flies clustering about her sockets like shimmering black buttons and he shooed them away, grief sharpening to anger as he examined the finger-width bruise necklaced across her white throat. She had been deposited on the cobblestoned road with no more dignity than a bird presented by a house cat to its master. Bill clenched his right hand white-knuckled and bit on it until the world stopped moving. A calm head could catch her killer; a calm head could bring her back to life. He asked his Father's spirit to allow him into the Dreaming.[/b]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited July 07, 2009).]
posted
promised Ina love, hope and possibility – this list didn’t work for me. The closeness of Promised and possibility was jarring.
feasted on the wet of them – the wet of them? Doesn’t work. Unclear image.
I think he shooed them rather tham brushed them. To me, brush means they had to be physically touched like ants,
Eimear…Hetty…Ina…new wife;s body – too many characters introduced without being clear who was what to whom.
Before she could pull him away from his new wife's body – what? Either the pov is messed up or I don’t understand who is she and who is him and whose new wife’s body
Father’s mawn and Dreaming are also not clear.
There were too many details that I couldn’t follow for me to get into this. Sorry.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 02, 2009).]
posted
I think where you've started is powerful. I had to reread it twice to understand what's happening though, so a little clarification is in order. All the same, you've definitely hooked me.
Personal nit. Ina feels like a womans name, so I would either change it to something a bit more manly to ease confusion, or make a clear his as soon as you name him. Personally I would just ditch the name, or change the ending to the more masculine Ino.
These are my ideas for clarification. Hope they help.
In life, Hetty’s eyes had promised Ina love, hope and possibility. Now they promised nothing.
I would change that to,
In life, his wife's bright eyes promised Ina love. Now they could promise nothing.
taking out Hettys name clears up confusion, and I immediately sympathies with Ina. I think you don't need the hope and possibility. It's clearer without.
Flies feasted...past dawn.
perfect don't change a thing.
Ina brushed them away, his grief...
Palm-sized bruises marked her pale throat.
The palm and pale seem close together.You might consider a change. I think it would be stronger as A palm size bruise. Just clearer as one hand. It also strengthes the villian if he could kill a woman with one hand.
His gorge rose as he looked at her body and he vomited a thin, acidic stream onto the cobblestoned road. This might just be me, but I didn't really get the gorge rising. Nausea would be clearer, to me.
I think you should describe Eimears hand. A bony, or cold, perfect, manicured description would show how Ina thinks of her, and would give a better introduction to the character and clear up confusion.
Before she could pull him away... Th action should belong to Ina. He can pull away, she shouldn't be able to pull him.
Ina closed his eyes and asked his Father's mawn to allow him into the Dreaming.
Hook. Well done from there.
I am definitely in the story and would be willing to read the whole thing if you want. ~Sheena
quote:In life, Hetty’s eyes had promised Ina love, hope and possibility. Now they promised nothing.
Good start. I'm hooked already just because there's a dead body.
quote:it was just past dawn.
This sounds weak. I think you can find a better way to say this that both describes, and isn't so static.
quote:Ina brushed them away, grief sharpening to flint-hard anger. Palm-sized bruises marked her pale throat.
This part confused me because I agree that Ina sounds like a girls name, and because you say "marker her throat" right after. Maybe say "Hetty's throat" to clear things up.
quote:His gorge rose as he looked at her body and he vomited a thin, acidic stream onto the cobblestoned road.
"His gorge rose" and "he vomited" are basically the same thing. You could say this with far fewer words.
posted
Flies feasted on the wet of them, already numerous though it was just past dawn. I think this weakens what were an excellent first two sentences. Like arriki, I don't think "wet of them" works at all. Also, on the first skim through, the "already numerous..." seems to refer to the "them".
flint-hard anger bit of a cliche, could be stronger.
nicotine pallor of the Sydney sun. I like this.
Quite a nice hook. I think the only thing that lessens the impact of this opening is that it's a little cluttered. I think you could do without the vomiting, not because I've anything against it, but I don't think it adds anything at all to the opening. And for some reason, the "new" in "new wife" bothered me. I'd just say "wife" for now, and you could add that information at a more natural point a little further on.
Nice work.
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited July 02, 2009).]
Not sure about 'the wet of them'. It has a nice ring and I get why you used it, but I don't think it functions. It dysfunctions. Like a beautiful, but ultimately flawed individual.
posted
I wasn't too drawn in with flies in eyes and vomit on the streets, but the aspect of Dreaming, really caught my eye, that would hook me into reading on.
I agree with what others have so eloquently said. I would trim it down a bit. And I agree with the MCs name. In the US on the Food Network, one of their 'stars' is a woman named Ina Garten. I couldn't get past it as I read, although others might not have an issue.
The second version is not better. The prose has gotten plainer. The name Billy, although more masculine, is too hokey for this piece. It makes him more boyish. Bill would be better.
An example of what I mean by the plainer prose is this.
quote:Now they promised nothing but food to the flies feasting upon them.
Before your...
already numerous though it was just past dawn
...added depth to your scene. It's the small things like that, that distinquished gripping stories from ones that get rejections. Version one pretty much had me hooked. Two doesn't.
posted
I am very interested in where this is going. Nice Job!
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you are trying to show that Bill is unable to process the violent death of his wife and, thus, is escaping to some alternative reality.
If this is the case, I am not getting Bill's sense of shock, his inability to accept reality, and his desperation to escape the scene. Maybe you are going for a more distant POV, but I would really like to feel his pain. That would draw me in emotionally. Right now I am curious just not emotionally invested.
It may be the reference to the Dreaming that misleads you here. In Australian Indigenous culture, the Dreaming is a set of legends and myths closely associated with the land. Where he goes to is a co-existent reality and widely acknowledged as such. I'm not sure how to get that across for non-Australian readers in the 1st 13; it may have to be taken on faith.
posted
For me, the first couple of sentences come over as too sentimental. I like to find my feet, before being asked to care.
Other than that, I liked the hook. As a non-Australian, the Dreaming situated the piece for me. Mawn has me flummoxed, but I'll take in on faith, for now.
Be happy to read if you'd like to send it on over.
posted
I hadn't heard it referred to as "The Dreaming," and instead I thought it was called "The Dreamtime." I don't know if that would make a difference for all non-Australians, but it would for this one.
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posted
Version 3 is better than two but you are getting away from what was working in one. Let me try and break it down as I see it.
quote: V1 In life, Hetty’s eyes had promised Ina love, hope and possibility. Now they promised nothing.
V3 In life, his wife’s eyes had promised Bill love. Now they promised nothing.
The first line in one shows his wife meant so much to him, three is far plainer. The problem is the second line. Try making that to mean as much as it line one did in V1. Something like… In life, Hetty’s bright blue eyes promised Bill love, hope and possibility. Now they were empty, windows into a shell of the sum of Bill’s possibilities.
Okay, sappy but maybe you’ll get the gist of what I am getting at.
quote: V3 The pre-dawn air spat thick with flies drawn to the moisture of her eyes and he shooed them away,
Close but spat doesn’t fit. I believe this could use some rearranging as well.
He shooed away the flies that were drawn to the moisture of her eyes, already thick in the pre-dawn air.
quote: V1 Ina brushed them away, grief sharpening to flint-hard anger. Palm-sized bruises marked her pale throat. His gorge rose as he looked at her body and he vomited a thin, acidic stream onto the cobblestoned road.
V3 grief sharpening to anger as he examined the rope-thick bruise necklaced across her white throat.
Yes, parts of V1 are cliché and a bit gross but they left a vivid description on what he is going through as he is seeing it. V3 is a cliff note version of one. You need to more of what you did in one, not less.
The hook is his grief. You may want to leave a reference to the magic but focus and build on his grief and what he has lost. A reason why she had to die may help as well.
Thanks Snapper, good points as always. I think I'll sit on re-working on the 1st 13 until I've reworked the 1st draft, but I'll apply your critique to it. Send me through the story you've got further down the forum as well.
"Dreamtime" is more common than "the Dreaming", but both are used. I believe Dreamtime refers more to the mythic past than the mythology of the present, but Dreamtime might be better for the broader readership.
posted
Why thank you, Nick. You can send me a version of your rewrite. It is the least I can do for you.
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