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Author Topic: The Inheritance (working title) - 1st 13
kingtermite
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Hi all. I'd like to get opinion on my first 13 lines.

This is a sci-fi 'short story' work in progress, so I'm not looking for readers just yet. Just opinions on my 1st 13 for now. Please see first 13 in next post.


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kingtermite
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“Cowboy up soldier” said the Colonel in a stern harsh voice.
Matt Holder hated when the colonel treated him like a soldier, knowing full well he was civilian. Just because he worked in an ARMY lab, didn’t make him a soldier.
He was staring at the ground, dumbfounded by the news he’d just heard.
“When?” stammered Matt.
“Our Intelligence's best guess is that it is still a year before these things attack.”
“Are there any artifacts my team can analyze?” asked Matt.
“No....just do the best you can with all the technology you can find. Budget won't be a problem.”
With that the colonel saluted.
Matt hated that too.

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Devnal
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Just doing a quick scan through hatrack!

My observations;

--------------------------------

“Cowboy up soldier” said the Colonel in a stern harsh(stern harsh seems a bit over the top, i'd pick one or the other) voice.
Matt Holder hated when the colonel treated him like a soldier, knowing full well he was civilian (the way this sentence is structured it is vague as to who "knows" it could be read as Matt Holder knows, not the colonel. I know that wouldnt make sense but it is a trip up) . Just because he worked in an ARMY lab, didn’t make him a soldier.
He was staring at the ground, dumbfounded by the news he’d just heard. ( I feel like the story leaves the vein you started; I would actually suggest perhaps STARTING with this sentence and cutting the beginning)
“When?” stammered Matt.
“Our Intelligence's best guess (Intelligence's best guess is tricky; say it out loud, kind of gets stuck on your tongue huh? I'd find another way to word this) is that it is still a year before these things attack.”(I'm lost with "things". And its not because of the run of the mill reason that using "things" is a bad word choice, its because I have nothing to latch it to. what things? not the things Matt is looking at, he's looking dumbfounded at the ground. I'd suggest cluing us into what these "things" are)
“Are there any artifacts my team can analyze?” asked Matt.
“No....just do the best you can with all the technology you can find. Budget won't be a problem.”
With that the colonel saluted.
Matt hated that too.

--------------------

I like the last line, its confirms Matts emotions to a certain extent. His dumbfoundedness kind of confuses it though. I go from thinking Matt is annoyed, to dumbfounded and shocked, to annoyed again in a very short period of time.

A lot of the dialogue is lost on me as well, as I am uncertain where they are and what they are talking about. there are so many possibilities. Are they on earth? a distant planet? they found technology or its their technology they are using? I feel as though you are writing a story here for people that already know these people and their situation, yet I am just being introduced to them now.

I'd love to read a re-write of this 13, I think it has lots of potential!


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monstewer
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stern harsh voice. I agree that this is overdoing it. I'd rather you use the words to give the reader some kind of setting to picture here. Where is this conversation taking place?

Matt Holder hated when the colonel treated him like a soldier, knowing full well he was civilian. Just because he worked in an ARMY lab, didn’t make him a soldier. A very long-winded way of saying Matt isn't a soldier. I'd probably end this information at "...when the colonel treated him like a soldier." And then cut the rest. That would be enough to let me know that Matt isn't a soldier and later in the opening we find out he is some kind of scientist in a much more natural way anyway.

He was staring at the ground, dumbfounded by the news he’d just heard. You're writing from Matt's POV, and this strikes me a little as authorial witholding. If he's thinking about the news, then we should probably know about it too. I would probably keep his speech in the same paragraph as this too.

“Our Intelligence's best guess is that it is still a year before these things attack.” I would cut "Intelligence's" And if they're expecting an attack from something, then surely they would have given it a name by now?

Good luck with it.



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Jennywinnie
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I would agree that we need to know more about the "things". Alot of different "things" ran through my head. Aliens? Genetically mutated bugs? Self guided missiles?

Also adding more information about the attack, like why they are attacking, or how dangerous they are, would be a much more action packed beginning. As it stands right now, your hinting at action, but it's so vague that I'm not tempted to read further. Give us a bit more information, and I'm sure that will fix this problem.

You don't really need to tell us so much about the situation of the MC being a civilian working in a military lab. Once we get into the scene that will become apparent. The most important thing to start with is something that makes me want to read more.


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kingtermite
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Thanks for the replies everyone.

I was purposely holding out some of the information as I thought it would 'hook' the reader better. I was even thinking of taking out the line about the attack as I thought I wanted to even hold that bit of information.

Are you saying I'd hook them better by telling them right up front?


Also, to the comment about not knowing where they are. That comes right behind this paragraph, it just didn't quite make it the first 13. It's probably about 3 sentences later.

I appreciate the info and suggestions. I'll take them into account and possibly do a 2nd version soon.


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Devnal
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"Are you saying I'd hook them better by telling them right up front?"

Yes, for sure. Withholding information is not an effective hook; it confuses and frustrates, it also tends to (IMO) create a disconnect between the reader and the character. Let us know whats going on and let that be the hook. I would suggest you let us know what the news was that Matt heard.

consider the fact that through the information that you give us we will have our own questions formed about it. ( e.g. Theyre on another planet? (let us know this) what the heck are they doing there? (we don't need to know this right now because its not an integral part of the story being told at this point, but we are going to ask ourselves that anyway in the back of our minds)).


I don't know how much writing you've done, I myself not much and nothing I'm overly proud of. But one of the main things ive learnt through these forums is 1 - stick with your POV. we know what your character knows. I find this helps to stop me from withholding information. and 2 - remember you're writing a book, not a screen play. This scene might work wonderfully in a movie, because a lot of our questions/ withheld information in dialogue - would be answered through visuals; we don't have that in written form.

Good luck and post a re write for us!


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kingtermite
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Thanks again for all the advice. Here is a second attempt.
---------

He was staring at the ground, dumbfounded by the news he’d just heard.
“When?” stammered Matt.
“We guess it is still a year before these aliens attack.”
“Are there any artifacts my team can analyze?” asked Matt.
“No....just do the best with what you can scrape together, soldier. Budget won't be a problem.” With that the colonel saluted.
Matt wasn’t sure what he hated worse, being saluted or being called soldier.
“OK” Matt said as he turned to walk back to his laboratory wondering how his team could create any kind of super weapon against technologically advanced aliens without any of their technology to scavenge.

[This message has been edited by kingtermite (edited July 06, 2009).]


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Jeff M
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Just to confuse you I was okay with "things" in the original. I dunnno... having the Colonel refer to them as "aliens" feels a bit like clunky exposition along the lines of the dreaded "as you know, Bob..." syndrome. Military folk generally use derogatory nicknames for the enemy as a way of depersonalizing them. I'd expect the Colonel to call them "things" or "bastards" or "buggers" or something.

Otherwise, the 2nd effort is tighter. I think a dialogue tag after “We guess it is still a year before these aliens attack.” would help so we know who's speaking.

Also, the first line. Might it read better (more direct) as "Matt stared at the ground..."


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kingtermite
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Good points...thank you.

After changing a few things, I think you're right. I do like the 'derogatory nickname' better. It does come across more realistic.

You are also right about that first line. I ended up removing the first two lines and didn't even think to check that 1st line again. It would be better more direct now as it is the first line and is introducing the name of the main character.


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