With her ear pressed to the study door, Lady Sedrid da Callin heard her lord father’s voice thin to a whisper.
“Rallum, the bulls have done it. They’ve killed that great hoary beast, and I hear the hawk will not be far behind. Soon, all the great houses will follow, and I refuse to let us be the last. In fact, I intend us to be the first.”
Sedrid felt a pit gape where her stomach had been. Surely her father didn’t mean the bulls had killed their Surrogate.
Rallum, Sedrid’s uncle and emissary of their house, seemed to pick his words carefully. “The Surrogate Beasts are the life blood of the Six Sovereigns. They have always... been. What of war? Do we go back to hacking at each other with swords until there are no men left?”
Version 2
Lady Sedrid da Callin watched her uncle arrive through the west door, dusty and ragged and bearing a leather-bound message pouch. He crossed the foyer without so much as glancing at his favorite niece and whispered something rapidly into her father’s ear. That something turned her father’s face white, and caused him to grip the leather pouch to his chest as if he feared dropping it.
Then they both turned on their heels and rushed into the west wing study, closing the door with a solid crack.
Sedrid needed no further prompting. She glided over and pressed her ear to a certain spot on the study door.
“Rallum, have the bulls have actually done it?” her father, Lord Callin, asked, “Have they truly killed that great hoary beast of theirs?”
Version 3
Sedrid hated dresses, and she hated herself for giving in to her father and abandoning her breeches. Umri would laugh at her, she knew. The giant ape would see the dress and great heaving barks would shake his giant ape chest, and she would throw rocks at him until he apologized.
She waited for their guest nonetheless, sweating and muttering in the sunlit foyer of Oakhome.
When her uncle Rallum arrived, late and dusty and ragged, bearing an important-looking leather portfolio, she knew by his face that something was wrong.
Sedrid smiled and moved to greet him, but he crossed the foyer without so much as glancing at his favorite niece. Instead, he whispered something rapidly into her father’s ear.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 14, 2009).]
posted
I am getting the feeling that this is starting a little later than it should.
quote:With her ear pressed to the study door, Lady Sedrid da Callin heard her lord father’s voice thin to a whisper.
This and with what can be heard on the otherside of the door is all very new to the reader. I feel like I need to play catch up to get into the story. This may put a few off. The opening line refers to your MC. You have left her in a lurch. May I suggest you back up just a bit so we can get behind her a bit. Show her trying to spy or perhaps give a reason why she should be. At least try a bit of tension at the start with her. Something along the lines of...
quote:The Lady Sedrid da Callin stopped in the hall and peered over her shoulder. No servants watching from the kitchen, none peeking around the corner from the west wing. She craned her neck, closed her left eye, and strained to listen for signs of her mother and nanny. She could hear only the muffled murmurs from the otherside of the door to the study. She took a deep breath and waited for the opposite sides of her conscience to settle their dispute. It isn't lady-like to listen in on our father over matters of state, said her prim and proper side. Oh go jump into the stables manure gutter, argued her curious side. We are heir of this house. If anyone should know what is going on it is us.
Maybe a bit long, but I think it may be best to give your character a bit of character before you dive deep into the meat of the story.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 05, 2009).]
posted
The second version is looking really tight. I'll put out the offer to read it when you're finished if you like. The first version gives a sneak preview to what looks like an interesting story. The second version is still the better draw though.
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
You have the right idea in your second draft but it still has the same problem the first has. The intro almost seems like a cliffnote version of an opening. I know what you want to do, A5, but you are overlooking the most basic requirement on what sells today. Characters. You are ignoring your MC to get to this all important message. Yes, a hook is crucial, however if you take the time to give us your MC's full name you should take the time to showcase your MC. Hopefully I can be more clear by examinign your opening paragraph.
quote:Lady Sedrid da Callin watched her uncle arrive through the west door, dusty and ragged and bearing a leather-bound message pouch. He crossed the foyer without so much as glancing at his favorite niece and whispered something rapidly into her father’s ear. That something turned her father’s face white, and caused him to grip the leather pouch to his chest as if he feared dropping it.
Other than the second half of your last sentence, I think this paragraph is a good start. What is missing is Sedrid's reaction to all of this. I would imagine a kaleidoscope of emotions ran through her while all of this happened. I can see her being elated with her uncles arrival, puzzled that he would ignore his favorite neice, concerned to see him approach her father like that, shocked that they would both leave without her uncle saying so much as a 'hello' to her, frightened about her fathers stark reaction at reading the letter, and curious to know what the hell is going on. You didn't show any of this. Based on what I have read so far, it appears that Sedrid is your story. Focus on her. When things happen, show how it relates with her.
posted
Ok, the latest version of this opening is up at the top. I would appreciate thoughts on it.
I also now have a draft of this at about 5,900 words. If anyone would like to read it (besides Annepin and Nick T who are getting it whether they like it or not!), I would appreciate it.
posted
Your first line had me laughing. I was one of those girls that hated dresses (and still do) and you nailed the emotion precisely. I also agree with snapper about the 'giant ape' bit being funny.
The third version is spot on. It definitely makes me want to keep reading to find out what the bad news is. I'll be happy to read it if you like.
posted
I am so impressed by the changes you made that I am curious what else you did. If you do not mind waiting in a critique line I would be happy to give your story a look.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
I'm new and wow I'm already late to the show... I guess all I can say is I love the giant ape bit too. It seems like this is when you got your character's voice. If you want a reader, I'd be happy to oblige...
Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
Ditto. Coming in late. Reading all three, the last one was by far the best. Enough to really hook you. The Ape thing got into the genre and the breeches let us see into the MC's personality.
I'm not into wookie/apes in books, but that's a personal thing. For a first thirteen progression, you did well getting to the third.
posted
I didn't get the impression ape was literal, I thought she meant he was ape-like, i.e. big, dumb and hairy... Wow, see where multiple interpretations gets you.
Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2009
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posted
Yeah, I already have one reader who was surprised that it was an actual ape. This was a little more clear in the first couple versions of the 1st thirteen where I got to the part about the beasts.
Posts: 323 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I was also unsure whether "big ape" was literal or an insult, especially with saying it twice. Maybe if she said "big monkey" orgorilla the first time it would be less confusing. Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I don't think the surprise of the 'big ape' being literal is a bad thing. It was just a surprise, and a pleasant one. Made me smile.
Posts: 1993 | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
I enjoyed the third version. It nicely establish a bit of character and a light tone before building towards urgency. My only minor quibble
"The giant ape would see the dress and great heaving barks would shake his giant ape chest"
Specifying the Giant Ape has a giant ape chest is a little redundant. What other sort of chest would he have? Maybe try an alternate way describing ie "Shake his great hairy chest" or " broad simian" ect..
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