posted
Just getting this started...it took me a while to decide where to begin. The story involves a grocery store chain being haunted by its founder who isn't happy with how the business is being run. So they hire our favorite General Service to investigate. Thoughts on this appreciated and I will of course want some readers once its done.
It felt strange, standing among the empty isles. The usual grocery-store din was gone. No babble of voices, or creaking of rusty shopping carts, no piped-in music. The only sound was the omnipresent hum of the refrigerated cases. It gave Ha****o the creeps. Even if he hadn’t known the place was haunted, the stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement, was a little disturbing. He could tell Tommy felt it too. His partner was annoyingly cheerful most of the time, but now he was quiet, eyes darting rapidly here and there. Of course, Tommy always got a little nervous when they got an exorcism job. His elemental powers weren’t terribly useful against spiritual threats. Ha****o put a hand on his shoulder. Tommy jumped then let
posted
This hooked me. I'm in. I'll give it a read if you want but I can do it after next week.
I liked how you used contrast to describe the setting, to me the technique always adds mystery and a sense of change to places or people (change is always welcome, particularly in the 1st 13).
And this is has all the emotion and reaction I look for in a story (How Tommy is acting and why). I'd read on for sure.
posted
It felt strange, standing among the empty isles. The usual grocery-store din was gone.This is an effective opening. It tells us a lot, and sets a creepy mood. One suggestion. If you changed this to tell us that Ha****o felt strange, instead of it. We might get into the character a little sooner. Otherwise we are left to wonder who the POV character is for several lines.
No babble of voices,cut this comma or creaking of rusty shopping carts, no piped-in music. The only sound was the omnipresent hum of the refrigerated cases.Good job here.
It gave Ha****o the creeps.This qualifies as pretty blatant "telling". If you make it clear in the 1st couple sentences that it's Ha****o experiencing the silence, etc. Then this becomes unnecessary.
Even if he hadn’t known the place was haunted, the stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement, was a little disturbing.Repeating the "stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement" stuff felt repetitive. Maybe just say (paraphrasing): "The place would be creepy even if it wasn't haunted".
He could tell Tommy felt it too. His partner was annoyingly cheerful most of the time, but now he was quiet, eyes darting rapidly here and there. Of course, Tommy always got a little nervous when they got an exorcism job. His elemental powers weren’t terribly useful against spiritual threats.I'm on board with this part. Seems a little campy and comic-booky, but I thing that's what you're going for.
Ha****o put a hand on his shoulder. Tommy jumped then let
Hook is present, and I would read on. Nice setting work here.
posted
Thanks everyone for your comments. Its coming along, just more slowly than I'd like. I'll send it along to those that offered to read once I finish (if I make it that far)
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
I like the setup: the juxtaposition between these empowered exorcists in such a mundane place as a grocery stole works well.
Just a couple things to watch:
"His elemental powers weren’t terribly useful against spiritual threats."
The phrasing "weren't terribly useful" is a tad weak. Maybe something less qualified like " His elemental powers were of little use against spiritual threats".
And this sentence would probably be stronger sans comma.
"Even if he hadn’t known the place was haunted, the stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement, was a little disturbing."
It reads a little stilted with all of the pauses.I do the exact same thing myself constantly and have to go back and correct it once I read the story aloud.
[This message has been edited by AJ Valliant (edited August 28, 2009).]
quote:It reads a little stilted with all of the pauses.I do the exact same thing myself constantly and have to go back and correct it once I read the story aloud.
Yeah I think the whole story has over-comma problems.
However its interesting because...
quote:The phrasing "weren't terribly useful" is a tad weak. Maybe something less qualified like " His elemental powers were of little use against spiritual threats".
I really think "weren't terribly useful" is probably closer to how most people would speak/think it than "of little use against."
posted
I really like how you set the mood in the first 13. If you are still looking for readers, I'll take a look.
Posts: 133 | Registered: Jul 2008
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