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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Turning Back (Unfinished)

   
Author Topic: Turning Back (Unfinished)
AWSullivan
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Thanks for reading. I'll take full readers when its complete.

Old and busted.

quote:
Jim glided through the airlock hatch into the cavernous jump chamber beyond. To his left, dozens of scientists and media gathered to witness the historic event. Tethered in the center of the chamber was a cylindrical spacecraft designed to look like a spent fuel tank from a late twentieth century shuttle. Like a good little astronaut, Jim offered a smile and a wave to the crowd, and then boarded his new home, his last home.

Voices in his ear bud chattered back and forth. Last minute system checks along with a countdown. Jim let them work their checklists and waited for his turn.

“Jim.” It was Fred Waters, Mission Specialist and Jim’s only real friend. “It looks like all systems are GO. What say you?”

“No turning back now, Fred.”


New hotness.

quote:
MARCH 23, 1998 08:09
CMDR JIM LEVIN, CHRONOS ONE, NEAR EARTH ORBIT
I have arrived in Earth orbit at precisely 7:57am as the mission parameters suggested. Confirmed visually by observing Nasdaq news scroll in Time Square, New York City. No indication that I’ve been detected. I will continue to monitor visually until all systems have been brought online. Broadband superluminal communications systems aren’t functioning properly so I’m transmitting text. Hopefully someone is listening.

MARCH 23, 1998 11:37
CMDR JIM LEVIN, CHRONOS ONE, NEAR EARTH ORBIT
All life support systems are fully functional. Solar cells are


[This message has been edited by AWSullivan (edited August 10, 2009).]


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alliedfive
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Jim glided through the airlock hatch into the cavernous jump chamber beyond. To his left, dozens of scientists and media gathered to witness the historic event.For some reason, the second sentence made it sound like the media was gathered to witness him gliding through the airlock hatch. I think you could fix this by simply moving your second sentence to after the third.

Tethered in the center of the chamber was a cylindrical spacecraft designed to look like a spent fuel tank from a late twentieth century shuttle. Like a good little astronaut, Jim offered a smile and a wave to the crowd, and then boarded his new home, his last home. Cool

Voices in his ear bud chattered back and forth. Last minute system checks along with a countdown. Jim let them work their checklists and waited for his turn.

“Jim.” It was Fred Waters, Mission Specialist and Jim’s only real friend. “It looks like all systems are GO. What say you?”

“No turning back now, Fred.”

No problems with the prose for me, it all makes sense. The hook, I suppose, is the spaceship taking off. That type of hook is pretty common in scifi, so I would need a hint of something unusual or dangerous or... "conflicty" to continue reading. Also, I don't know how long this one is going to be, but with an open like this it seems like it could be really long (his last journey and all that). Sometimes when I read shorts, I can get turned off if it seems like the story is biting off a lot, when I know it can't give a lifelong space journey a fair shake in the short length.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 10, 2009).]


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AWSullivan
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A5's response reminded me, though I'm not sure how, that I wanted to write this story in an epistle format.

I've updated the 'First 13'.

Thanks for reading, again.

~Anthony


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alliedfive
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Yep, this gives the story a more unique flavor. Just because it immediately let's you know that this guy is not your average traveler. I like the idea, and would read on.
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AWSullivan
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Thanks for the re-read A5!

~Anthony


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monstewer
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No nits on this one, interesting opening and I would read on.
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