posted
My name is Bruce William Tate the IV. Bruce means guardian. Tate means a tenth. I am Will, one-tenth of a guardian. The other nine-tenths of me is a monster responsible, at least, for almost all of the man-made disasters in the past five-thousand years. And since the scientists of the early 21st century unlocked the keys to nano-technology, all of man’s disasters have been man-made. I was the first, and the last, immortal. At least, for now, I can claim that distinguished status. But I was not always so distinguished. In fact, when I woke up on the beach in Miami on that fateful July day and realized I couldn’t remember anything for at least the previous week, I assumed it was nothing out of the ordinary. The stunning brunette beside me with her cat-like face mashed into the sand should have been my first clue.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Jul 2009
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Get a grip, man. You led me down two or three genres before you were done.
How is the guy the IVth if he is the first and only immortal?
There are three openings: 1. The guy who is self absorbed boring us about his name. (Is this fantasy with the Tate the IVth business?) 2. Man-made disasters - why are all in the last 5,000 years man-made. Certainly there wasn't a hurricane or a volcano or an earthquake in all the time. I know there wasn't global warming. (Is this a horror movie a la Unbreakable?) 3. The "wake up in a strange place with memory loss" trope that is incredibly worn out. (Is this SF or a film noir treatment?)
So concentrate on one of the three and ignore the rest and get them in your story a bit later on. If you don't every serious reader will put the story down before they hit line ten.
Oh, on second thought I'd like to know if she really does have a cat's face...
Actually that's the most interesting of the three and if you skip the week-long memory loss thing, you might be able to make a nice hook with that.
posted
While I don't agree with the tone above, some of the comments are pretty well in tune with what I was thinking. One thing that occurred to me as I was reading your 13 lines is how put off I am by revisionist absolution. I don't mind retelling history with a twist a la Naomi Novik or countless others, but in your first 13 lines it seems like you let Hitler off the hook for his atrocities. I, personally, demand in books that I read that each individual be responsible for his/her own actions and their consequences. So the whole, "It's my fault." schtick really put me off. One thing I could suggest is that with the whole guardian/immortal/amnesiac/cause of all that's bad thing is to break it up. If he has no memory, then he is free to rediscover portions of this really large character throughout the story. He could wake up with amnsesia and quickly discover his own immortality, "He look I have a sucking chest wound and I'm not dead... that's weird." and then the dichotomy of being the root of evil and a sometimes protector could be the basis for an epic story really. Just wanted to give you some food for thought.
Posts: 32 | Registered: Aug 2009
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I can honestly say I really liked this opening. As much as I'd prefer to be critical, this hooked me right away, and for several reasons.
First, while I'm not a fan of first person, someone who can execute it well, putting you DIRECTLY in the mind of the narrator, can make a more compelling and intimate story than third person. 13 lines isn't enough to judge you on that, but I'd be willing to have faith you could get there.
The specifics about the name indicate to me that this is a world that's been thought of in depth. It gives me confidence that the writer isn't just throwing cliches together (though you might be), but has developed an intricate world with specific rules and cultural obligations.
Third, it raised several questions which acted as hooks. Why is he an immortal? What happened the day his memory was faulty? Who is the brunette?
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Thanks for the responses guys. First, anybody with parents can be a first, second, third, or fourth. I happen to know two guys are the fourth in their family. You can blame their parents for being either self-absorbed or unoriginal. Second, waking up in a strange place isn't a worn out trope. Stories have one of two modes: either a stranger comes to a familiar place or a familiar person visits a strange land. I think you'll find most stories fit into one of these categories. Third, I'm not revisioning history. This story starts in 2032. The main character is leading us to the present, some five-thousand years into the future. Fourth, I don't see why I could reasonably predict that all future disasters will be man-made in some way if technology keeps on moving and progressing the way it is now. I know Vernor Vinge's singularity might be old hat, but that doesn't mean I can't take the idea and run in a different direction with it. Fifth, I didn't saw she had a cat face. I said cat-like. Anybody with a reasonably symmetrical face, wide-spaced eyes, a triangular jaw and a small mouth resembles a cat. Or a heart. Sixth, I think sometimes some commentators on this get hung up on hooks. Just my opinion.
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