posted
The white suit had been left in the alcove for two hundred and forty years on low-power mode; the last fifty of which it had been processing various strategies and their consequences. Decision made, it powered-up, pushed off from its wall-hook, and landed gently on its boots, stirring clouds of dust from the floor. It glanced about the shadowy airlock service room. There were six other suits of different colours hanging in seperate alcoves, with various equipment piled in stow-nets, above each. A dust-covered laser pistol hung by each suit. The suit peered out of the airlock; only space and pinpoint stars were visible. The suit shook its helmet and tried the exit door to the main ship. It was sealed. It powered on a yellow repair suit with its glove. “Pssst. You awake?”
Revised:
The white suit waited in the alcove for two hundred and forty years. A bare whisper of power tickled its main processors as it tried to conserve its dwindling fuel cells. As the energy ebbed away, it considered other strategies. It powered-up, pushed off its wall-hook, and landed on its boots, stirring up vortices of dust. It glanced about the dark, service room, for a moment before flicking to enhanced vision. Six other suits, of differing configurations, slumped in alcoves of their own. Equipment bulged in stow-nets above and dust-laden lasers clipped into brackets beside them. The suit peered out of the airlock; only space and pinpoint stars were visible. It shook its helmet from side to side, then tried the exit door to the main ship. It was sealed. It powered on a yellow repair suit with its glove. “Pssst. You awake?”
This is a yet, unwritten, flash piece--if I can exercise the required discipline to keep it short, that is.
Version 3:
For two hundred and forty years, only the barest whisper of power trickled through the white suit's main processors as it tried to conserve its dwindling fuel cells. When the main fuel cell died and the reserve kicked in, the suit powered-up, pushed off the wall, and landed in a cloud of dust. The service room was dark and silent. Six other suits, of differing configurations, hung like empty skins in alcoves of their own. Equipment bulged in stow-nets above and dust-laden lasers clipped in brackets beside them. The suit peered out of the heavy airlock door, but only space and pinpoint stars peered back. It crossed the room and tried the exit door to the main ship. It was sealed. Turning to the other suits, it examined each one in turn. It reached out and pressed the main power control of the yellow
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 28, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 30, 2009).]
But how is the suit 'peering out'? I will believe you if you tell me it has sensors that would be doing this but you should put it in the text if you don't want the reader to stop and ask this question.
It's a great hook. I definitely want to know what will happen next.
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited August 28, 2009).]
posted
Much prefer the original to the revised. I find the suit quite endearing, in the first version - in the same way that I liked Wall-E and Eve in the film. In your second version, it's a bit too clinical and lifeless for my taste. And it feels like you're being deliberately 'techy' with all the new fuel cells, enhanced vision, main processors and so forth.
Oh, nice title, by the way.
Anyway, I don't really like the revision, if I am honest. The one thing I will say for it is that the description is a little more... colourful (the bare whispers of power, the vortices of dust, etc), which is a bit lacking in the original. Also, there is one clause in the original which is a little clunky for me ('it had been processing various strategies and their consequences'), though more than that I couldn't say.
I'd read on.
Oh, also, re. what genevive42 said, I'm not sure you do need to clarify that the suit has sensors or whatever. I mean, nobody sits and goes 'BUT IT HAS NO EYES' when Thing manages to get around ok in The Addams Family (or the flying car in Harry Potter, the suits of armour in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, etc). When a supposedly inanimate thing comes to life like this, I think you've got a lot of leeway with what people will accept. After all, a suit just came to life. Exactly how it can see is hardly the main issue.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 31, 2009).]
posted
You know what? I had no problem when the suit 'glanced' around the room but only when it 'peered' out of the airlock.
Don't know why it caught me like that but I now see the silliness of that comment. Forget what I said.
The first version still has the best emotional set up. I think it's especially good in the very first line. Also, I like when it asks the yellow suit if it's awake. These two lines make me care and want to find out what happens next.
posted
I suppose that was what the intial tech stuff was for; to clarify that this was futuristic suit with a personality and motor ability. Obviously sensors as well.
posted
Hi skadder! As an avid reader and a hopeful writer, I am much better at reading than writing, so I will post accordingly.
First of all, looks like you’ve really worked hard on getting this one right, I like the multiple versions.
I’m going to have to disagree with the above posts and say I definitely like the second version better. First version sounded a little clunky and I had my doubts reading it.
In the second version, sentences were definitely improved, such as:
“A bare whisper of power tickled its main processors as it tried to conserve its dwindling fuel cells. As the energy ebbed away, it considered other strategies.” This sentence hooked me and made a lot more sense following the information about sitting there for 240 years.
I’m left with the questions: Waited? For what? Other strategies? As opposed to what original purpose? I definitely want to read on to find out the answers to these questions.
“Flicking on enhanced” vision may or may not be necessary; I think it works either with or without that description.
Nit: “Equipment bulged in stow-nets above and dust-laden lasers clipped into brackets beside them.” I think a word might be missing here. When reading, I think that a word like ‘were’ needs to be in between lasers and clipped. What do the grammar police say?
I really like the third version as well, but for some reason I am drawn to the second one more. And now I’m just looking back and forth too much and can’t decide which I like better, so I’ll stick with the critique of the second and leave it at that! Good work and good luck completing your flash piece!
posted
Man I like it! I'm hooked (pun was intended)
I also raised an eyebrow when the suit "peered" around in the room. It also communicated to another suit.
I agree with others in that the explanation would obviously depend on how Techy the story unfolds. I feel that it won't get to high tech, so it works. Good stuff. I like the 2nd version, seemed less blocky and flowed better. As I read the third, I went back to the second.
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