posted
Okay, I mostly finished and then abandoned this project years ago because I felt that my story was a bit forced. I liked it but was not happy with it. I did a little revising and I think this version is better ( I won't make you read the old one).
Basic story - about Mermen. A merman who has to go to land to retrieve his runway bride. Suggestions?
First version:
Jonas had nightmares of walking on sandy beaches and of his agile tail being replaced by ungraceful human feet. It was too late to change his fate now as he was well on his way to the surface. He was on his back, swimming upward out of the chasm. He rapidly turned to his left side, with his arms stretched out gripping well-rooted sea plants. His mustard yellow eyes fluxed he made adjustments against the strong current of the waters.
Jonas had never been this far from the boundary of the kingdom and three thoughts circulated his mind - the longing to return to the safety of his home, the terror he felt for reaching land, and the animosity he felt toward Marian.
I often debate on bringing out old projects. I mean there was a reason why I left it. But I would really like this one to work.
Version 2:
A Merman, that's what the Elder-kind called Jonas. That was their label for his kind. To them he was a legend, a story of lore and fantasy. Jonas didn't care because he rarely thought of his ancestral people. He was not curious by nature. He didn't understand his friends anticipation before they went to the surface for the first time. He didn't want to go. When they would return they would go on about how strange the transformation was, how sand felt between their toes, wind, the sun and how they couldn't swim very deep when they were human. Jonas hated the thought of going to the surface. He didn't care about toes. He didn't care about the sun or wind, he wanted to swim forever.
Version 3:
The nightmare of feet trudging through sand and his agile tail being replaced by ungraceful human feet had haunted Jonas for weeks. Now he was well on his way to the horrific reality of sprouting feet. He swam out of the chasm, on his side, with his arms outstretched tilted from side to side. He grabbed well-rooted sea plants for support in the cliff entrenched area. His body had changed dramatically as he approached the surface. His gray scaled frame had turned tan and smooth. The gills that had once covered his sides, were shrunk, almost gone and nearly useless in his more human like form.
Sand tickles your toes. The sun is warm. You will like it. His friends had told him repeatedly. They had tried to convince him
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited August 28, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited September 24, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited September 24, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited September 24, 2009).]
quote:His mustard yellow eyes fluxed he made adjustments against the strong current of the waters.
Two things here. One, I think you need an "as." Two, if your going for a close 3rd person POV, most would say describing his eyes breaks that POV. Thats not a real biggy to me personally, but I thought I'd mention it.
quote:He was on his back, swimming upward out of the chasm. He rapidly turned to his left side, with his arms stretched out gripping well-rooted sea plants.
We may need a little more scene setting here as I'm not feeling like I know where he is and where he's coming from. It might not be a bad idea to consider putting some of this stuff first, then the bit about the nightmares. Just an idea.
posted
At the moment I think this reads quite flat, I think you need to vary the structure of the sentences a bit more. Both paragraphs start with "Jonas had..." which, at the beginning of a story is very intrusive. And then the second and third sentences are "It was..." and "He was..." And then the list in the second paragraph doesn't really work for me. I think you could work those thoughts into the story at a more natural point later on.
His mustard yellow eyes fluxed he made Missing a word here, I think.
posted
The first sentence grabbed my attention, then the second sentence threw me off. The focus goes from nightmares to fate to Jonas traveling all within two sentences, which felt too quick. I thought for a moment that "his fate" referred to suffering the nightmares, rather than the impending reality of the nightmares.
The list, the three "thoughts", didn't work for me, neither. They're not thoughts, but stated feelings. Anyway, a list isn't as powerful as bits of a scene, which show us the thoughts/feelings and a reaction to each.
I like the concept, so I understand why you want the story to work. I suggest an experimental rewrite instead of revisions. Good luck.
posted
Okay I started a rewrite - so this a first draft.
A Merman, that's what the Elder-kind called Jonas. That was their label for his kind. To them he was a legend, a story of lore and fantasy. Jonas didn't care because he rarely thought of his ancestral people. He was not curious by nature. He didn't understand his friends anticipation before they went to the surface for the first time. He didn't want to go. When they would return they would go on about how strange the transformation was, how sand felt between their toes, wind, the sun and how they couldn't swim very deep when they were human. Jonas hated the thought of going to the surface. He didn't care about toes. He didn't care about the sun or wind, he wanted to swim forever.
Jonas would have to leave for the surface
[This message has been edited by thayeller (edited September 16, 2009).]
quote: Merman, that's what the Elder-kind called Jonas.[In the first version, we could guess that Jonas is a Merman without seeing the word, and I preferred that. I don't like being told he's a Merman, especially in the first line of narrative.] That was their label for his kind.[This second sentence is superfluous. We know from the first sentence (before, actually) that "Merman" is a label, and we learn later in this paragraph that Jonas isn't the only Merman; that is, he has a kind.] To them he was a legend, a story of lore and fantasy. Jonas didn't care [Then why tell us?]because he rarely thought of his ancestral people. He was not curious by nature.[We can see that from his reluctance to travel to the surface, shown in the next sentences.] He didn't understand his friends' anticipation before they went to the surface for the first time. He didn't want to go. When they would return they would go on about how strange the transformation was, how sand felt between their toes, wind, the sun and how they couldn't swim very deep when they were human. Jonas hated the thought of going to the surface.[This would make a better start, if his feelings about traveling to the surface are more prominent in the story than his relationship to humans (or his feelings about the runaway bride).] He didn't care about toes. He didn't care about the sun or wind, he wanted to swim forever.
Jonas would have to leave for the surface
Let me know if I'm too blunt, but the rewrite is less engaging than the original. This version just isn't hooky. I wouldn't think from reading only the above passage that I'd experience something unique and interesting by reading more.
Did you need to go backwards in the plot?
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited September 17, 2009).]
I'm with aspirit a little on the rewrite...lost some of the original hook. Maybe try doctoring the original more...
something I've been really been working on since joining here is making that first 13 really grab. My thought is to make that first 13 tell its own mini story, then write the rest of the story.
I would suggest fast short action sentences, Jonas swimming towards the surface like in original version. Maybe a piece of dialogue between Jonas and someone else, another merman or one of the elder kind that conveys some of Jonas' feelings rather than just describing them.
maybe start first sentence about Jonas nightmares, and end the 13 with him sprouting toes and feeling the sand between them, his nightmare becoming true!
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