posted
2013- Zawg surveyed his siege force. Thirty-nine white witches, three shifts of thirteen, would safeguard the spell trapping the president in the White House. A full fifty of the most powerful villains in the Western hemisphere would defend them. Nine warlocks would manipulate probability and provide support to the first two groups. The Legion was ready to conquer America... 2234- Swede drove up to the augmentation clinic. Now or never, he thought. After this, there was no turning back. He would become a super, first a grunt in the Guild of Heroes, then, after he served his time, a villain, one of the leaders of the world. And it all starts today. He walked through the door and signed his name at the
Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2008
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I don't get this. This reads like a plot outline rather than prose. The dates are widely seperated. I don't know who Zawg is (in that he is mentionned, but in a static way). What is the legion? You shouldn't mention stuff without some form of explaination. I don't know how to feel about the legion--are they good or bad? Who knows?
The second section is a little better. Stuff is happening is some sort of real-time. You still dump a load of facts on me without trying to weave it into the text. Sorry, you have tried to weave it the facts in, but need to try and do this a little more seamlessly.
Sorry, I wouldn't read on. I would engage more if you spent a little more time on one of these events rather than both of them, and tried to make it more 'real'. Leave details of future plans until they become relevant to the plot. Here you are trying to do too much. Set two scenes, introduce two characters, introduce to sets of future plans. Keep it simple--give it a try, it's just a matter of practice.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 04, 2009).]
posted
Hi, I agree with Skadder...good first outline.
My humble suggestions of how I think would read better:
Start with 'Swede.' First sentence describing what he is doing, driving up to augmentation clinic or something. Try to make it a catchy sentence.
Second sentence could reference Zawg's great achievement. Such as, "Swede was going to attempt the most shocking coup since Zawg besieged the White House with his thirty nine witches" something like that. The details of Zawgs siege could be revealed later.
Maybe Swede could say some dialogue, "Its now or never" then end with the sentence to hook the reader to read on. If Swede were to fail, nobody would even remember his name. But if he were to succeed today, his name would be remembered more than any past world leader. (reference to Hitler if Swede is truly evil. reference to a different leader depending on the comparison that you want to make).
Just my humble opinions.
I would not read on yet, however if you post a rewrite here, we will see!
focus on the first 13 lines, making them attention grabbing with blatant hooks for the reader. This is one thing I have learned since joining here, and am working on myself. (I have yet to post my own 13 lines, will do so soon)
posted
Are those dates or times? I thought we were working with a 24-hour clock until I read skadder's posting. So I thought Swede's part was 2h,21m after Zawg's.
Will the entire story follow this format, or just the start? If this is only a startup, ok, but if the whole story will follow this format, I agree that there isn't a lot to get involved in so far.
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