posted
Ok, so I thought it would only be fair to review a few other Fragments before I posted my own. So far reviewed 5, so here goes.
Here's one of my many story starts, as yet unfinished. It's purpose is to be a description. Right after this I switch to dialogue between two characters discussing Andrew. Let me know if you think it works or not, tear it apart if needed! I have thick skin and want honest thoughts. Thanks!
Frozen sun rays shone down on the desert plain. Cold and harsh dusty red rocksand stretched in every direction, colder than ice but different, harder. Rocksand crunching hard under his boots, Andrew surveyed the landscape around the military ship, engines still hissing from its landing. It was a cold barren wasteland as far as the eye could see; a soulless landscape. Andrew turned towards the waiting terracrawler and clambered aboard, hardly noticing his bulky suit and cramped helmet, although the bubble visor played tricks with his eyes and threw off his depth perception. The last twenty years of struggle were already dimming in his memory and visions of endless Martian possibilities filled his head. His own personal Promise Land stretched out before him; life chapter two was just beginning.
REVISED:
Leave the past behind, start fresh. That’s what the recruiter had said, and that’s what Andrew had done. Now frozen red rock crunched beneath his boots. Andrew surveyed the soulless Martian landscape. The military ship’s engines at his back hissed angrily, still upset from landing. A lone terracrawler snaked slowly towards him over uneven ground. Exactly how far away was hard to tell, his bubble visor played tricks with his eyes and threw off his depth perception. Andrew watched its progress until it arrived sooner than expected in front of him.
Speakers on the crawler’s cabin boomed: “You expecting a ride?”
“Young arranged for me to travel with the supplies, straight to the settlement.” Andrew said through his own helmet speaker.
“Nobody told me.” It didn’t matter. He was here now, and he
REVISED VERSION 2:
Leave the past behind, start fresh. That’s what the recruiter had said, and that’s what Andrew had done. Now frozen red rock crunched beneath his boots. Andrew surveyed the soulless Martian landscape. The military ship’s engines at his back hissed angrily, still upset from landing. A lone terracrawler snaked slowly towards him over uneven ground. Exactly how far away was hard to tell, his bubble visor played tricks with his eyes and threw off his depth perception. Andrew watched its progress until it arrived sooner than expected in front of him.
Speakers on the crawler’s cabin boomed: “You expecting a ride?”
“Just to the settlement.” Andrew said through his own speaker.
“Nobody told me.” It didn’t matter. He was here now, the past millions of miles away, and he would write his own future.
[This message has been edited by LlessurNire (edited September 16, 2009).]
Frozen sun rays [Already mentioned, this is a strange contradictory image.]shone down on the desert plain. Cold and harsh dusty red rocksand [IMO too many adjectives before rocksand--lack of commas--also what is rocksand? Sand is generally eroded rock, anyway. I googled ROCKSAND and found only pop bands or typos, e.g. rocksand minerals--which is how I read it, as a typo.]stretched in every direction[From where--I don't have a POV yet. Is this from above?], colder than ice but different, harder[Still don't have a POV so I am wondering who is making these judgements.]. Rocksand crunching hard under his boots, Andrew surveyed the landscape around the military ship, engines still hissing from its landing[ Too much here: we go from under his boot to him surveying (you change tense, from a present to a past--which I dislike as it jars) to a ship and then focussing in the engines hissing. I think you could do this this more artfully, by putting yourself deeper in the POV and deciding what is important to him at the moment.]. It was a cold barren wasteland as far as the eye could see; a soulless landscape[I get this already--this is redundant]. Andrew turned towards the waiting terracrawler[So there was a terracrawler and a ship near him--I first imagined a desolate plain, but it is getting more populated as we move on. I think you wasted to much time going on about the rocksand, etc.] and clambered aboard, hardly noticing his bulky suit and cramped helmet, although the bubble visor played tricks with his eyes and threw off his depth perception[If he hardly noticed it it seems strange to mention it--makes it a little more obvious you are using this as a way of describibg him in the suit--if it caught on some thing then you would have a clear reason to mention it.]. The last twenty years of struggle[What struggles?]] were already dimming in his memory and visions of endless Martian possibilities filled his head. His own personal Promise Land stretched out before him; life chapter two was just beginning.
I am not getting his emotion at all--it's flat. The last two sentences seem tacked on to give him some dreams and desires and a history, but it fails (IMO) to achieve this as it feels a little wooden. Give the guy a little dialogue, even if he mutters to himself. Perhaps someone in the crawler tries to hurry him, while someone in the ship says good bye. You'd get a lot of this exposition inserted around the dialogue as well as characterising him more effectively.
I think this could be good if you tweak it a little and make it a little more dynamic.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 06, 2009).]
The thing that struck me about this opening was that there are quite a few redundancies, starting with the opening sentence. The reader will presume the sun rays are not shining up, and so you can do without the "down".
The second sentence I think needs to be reworked: you use four words to describe the rocksand, none of them particularly strong, maybe cut it down to two stronger descriptors? Also, in the second half of the sentence you say the rocksand is different to ice in that it is colder, so why the "but different"? This could be changed to "colder and harder than ice." and save yourself a few words into the bargain.
The second "Andrew" bothered me a bit. You haven't introduced any other characters, so you could have a "he" there instead.
hardly noticing his bulky suit and cramped helmet Leaves me wondering why the author is bothering to mention them. I think this might work better if you mention the problem of depth perception while he is surveying his surroundings, it seems like a more natural place for it.
endless Martian possibilities filled his head Might be a good place to work in your hook here, give us a hint of what he's thinking about here, what is he hoping for? Also, "filled his head" is weak, I think you could find a stronger way of saying that.
Yeah, there are some staging issues and it could be reordered like you can group similar concepts together, ie: like when he surveys the scene and you have a short discussion on perspective and distance etc you can mention of the bubble visor affecting his vision then. It gives it a reason to be there and it is a cool image. I do agree with some of the small details mentioned, like 'frozen' rays and using his name when it would be better as 'He' but all in all I think it has enough going for it for me to want to read on.
PS: You could just as easily have him clamber aboard the terracrawler and have him 'notice' the bulky suit as 'not notice' it, that way it wouldn't throw the reader.
you know:
clamber aboard bulky suit didn't care about discomfort LIFE Chapter 2. was about to begin...
cool.
edit:
PS: I like the MC's name.
[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 06, 2009).]
Its funny, when I read others writing its easy to spot what I think needs changing, but after writing something myself and after constant re-reading I just can't spot the flaws! Now that I read it again after hearing what you all had to say, those flaws stand out, can't believe I missed a lot of them first time around. I will work on rewriting this today, taking into consideration your suggestions. thanks!
By the way, I wanted the first line to have a jarring effect, by saying frozen sun rays as a way to illustrate just how cold the surroundings are, they even freeze the sunshine. If you think there is a better way to say that, have a shocking effect, then let me know. Otherwise I'm going to change the whole order I think.
posted
I got what you were trying to say but it really doesn't fit when you think of it. As I said, consider cutting out the first two lines all together. You say what they say in following ones anyway.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 06, 2009).]
posted
OK, I know I took a long time revising this, got caught up in some other projects.
Tried to rewrite it completely, using a different voice. I posted 2 revised versions, slightly different at the end because I am experimenting with the 13 lines concept and want to know which works better.
Just let me know if this is a huge step up from the original version and if you would want to continue reading.
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