First 13:

High Commander Gregory walked into the Chief Engineer’s office, “Sir, the test has been completed and I have the report you requested.”

The chief looked up from the holo on his desk, “I’ve told you before, Gregory, to call me Dr. Landage,” he knew it was hard to get past years of conditioning, but tried anyway, “Who won?”

“Cadet 93101, Dr. Landage,” Gregory said.

“Has he chosen a name yet?”

“He has, sir.”

Landage supposed he was lucky to hear his name spoken once, “Well?”

“Sir, may I speak candidly?”

My only comment would be that you could replace the first comma with a semicolon in this sentence:

Landage raised an eyebrow, Gregory never spoke candidly.

From a POV perspective, I’m not sure whether you’re trying to keep within Landage’s POV or whether you’re trying for an omni viewpoint. In the opening two lines, we’re not in anyone’s POV in particular and then you move to Landage’s thoughts without strongly establishing that we’re meant to be in omni. I’d either want a strong indication first up that we’re in omni or I think you should start with your protag’s (presumably Landage) POV.

Initially, since you named High Commander Gregory first, I presumed he was the POV character (and shouldn’t he think of himself as Gregory?).

Landage should probably think of himself as whatever his first name is unless he so identifies with the position of chief engineer that he thinks of the title as his name (same with his surname…whatever he would call himself should be the POV tag if you’re doing for 3rd person).

I didn’t really feel the hook here, though this is strongly influenced by the POV considerations. I’m mildly curious about the cadet not having chosen a name, but it’s not quite a strong enough hook for me. This may be influenced by the POV issues. On the plus side, I like the unspoken elements of the relationship that are exposed by the fact that Gregory immediately reverts to “sir”.

Hope this helps,

Regards,

Nick

quote:

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High Commander Gregory walked into the Chief Engineer’s office. “Sir, the test has been completed and I have the report you requested.”
The chief looked up from the holo(wouldn’t a holo be at eye level? Why make people look downwards if you can make a three dimension image? Perhaps it should be that he looked away from the holo) on his desk. “I’ve told you before, Gregory (if it’s a one-on-one conversation, it sounds like a mother scolding her child…is this the tone you were working towards?), to call me Dr. Landage.” He knew it was hard to get past years of conditioning, but tried anyway. “Who won?”

“Cadet 93101, Dr. Landage,” Gregory said.
“Has he chosen a name yet?”
“He has, sir.”
Landage supposed he was lucky to hear his name spoken once. “Well?”

“Sir, may I speak candidly?”
Landage raised an eyebrow; Gregory never spoke candidly. Perhaps it would be amusing. “You may,” he said slowly.

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[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 14, 2009).]

I'm trying to do this because the main focus of the beginning is just to set up a reading of the Cadet's journal (which is all in first person, obviously). The journal entry makes up the bulk of the story, but if I haven't hooked you with these lines, then that's kind of moot point.

If it’s the cadet’s story, why not skip the introduction at all and just tell the story straight from the journal? It’s a short story, so you don't have much word count to establish intimacy with a character. From what I can tell from your description, the cadet is the important one, so why not tell it from either 1st person or 3rd person close? If you have to use omni, I've offered my thoughts below.

As I’ve said before, I’m not a POV expert and it’s likely that my beliefs about it are muddled, so take my thoughts below with a grain of salt.

Omni obviously has the advantage of flexibility, but it makes intimacy with a character more difficult. If I was going to use omni extensively, I’d only try it in a story where events are more important than people (i.e. grand historical epics, etc.). I do think it’s such an old fashioned narrative style that's tricky to use consistently if you’re working with modern voice and subject matter. I don't think it hurts as much to use it for a brief introduction though.

Anyway, if you want to strongly establish omni, it would probably be a matter of establishing time, place and events instead of a person. By establishing time, place and event, you’ve made it clear that you’re not in any one person’s POV. Having done that, I think you’re free to start moving between viewpoints (as long as you don’t change viewpoints within a single scene) or falling into a more conventional 3rd person.

Does this help? I’d appreciate it if anyone could correct me about my use of omni if I’m mistaken.

Cheers,