posted
My email is viewable in my profile, if you need it. I'd especially like feedback from anyone who gave version 1 the thumbs down.
2nd version
quote: So there I am, shakin’ hands with the guy who’s gonna kill me.
It wasn’t no kinda duel of honor or gangster thing, I just today first-time met the guy. Whatever you’re thinkin’, it ain’t like I hobnob with my freakin’ assassin every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
No, I’m a workin’ stiff. I gotta hustle. I’m that stranger who’s way way too pleased to meet ya even though you didn’t make no eye contact, and then who gets up in your space like he’s gonna hump your leg or somethin’. That guy.
But I follow through with my pitch? I do that, you think I’m a genius. Which I definitely am not. Which’s our little secret, by the way - don’t go blabbin’. I mean, life’s easy enough to figure out when you get all the answers in advance, ain’t it?
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So I thought this was a completed story, but the editor who rejected it was kind enough to offer his reasons why, so after some internal whining I did another draft attempting to address his issues. And for all my internal standoffishness dang if I don't feel like it's a mite better. Hit me with what you think.
I don't yet have my email in my profile, but if you want me to email you the rest of the story or to email any comments or critques to me, post here saying so and I'll email you at your email. PLEASE NOTE: my last name contains the word 'spam' so look in you junk mail folder if I haven't sent you anything.
It's not very bloody or gory - though my narrator commits many heinous crimes against grammar. I think if you can handle a typical episode of CSI you can handle this. I'd say it's a PG-13. Sex is briefly mentioned but not described beyond euphemism.
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quote: So there I am, shakin’ hands with the guy who’s gonna kill me.
I say that and you gotta be thinkin’ this is maybe some kinda kissa death thing or some kinda mafia thing. So I gotta tell ya whatever you’re thinkin’ this is, I promise you’re wrong.
See, thing is, I shake a lotta hands. Everybody’s hands. I got my reasons, but I’m the stranger who’s way way way too pleased to meet ya even though you didn’t make no eye contact, and then who gets up in your space like he’s gonna hump your leg or somethin’. That guy.
And if I just moved on without nothin’ after that? Without another word? I do that, you think I’m a used car salesman. A politician. A whacko, a little too forward and a little too friendly. Which I probably am. Definitely am. Got my reasons there too.
[This message has been edited by joecs (edited September 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by joecs (edited September 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by joecs (edited September 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by joecs (edited September 14, 2009).]
posted
I like it. It definitely has me curious as to what this guy is all about. I'll be happy to give it a read.
Technical stuff:
"way way way too pleased" - I know you're trying to push it over the top but this may be too far over. You have four words about excess. I think you can get the same thing across with, "way too pleased". Just my thoughts.
The last paragraph read a little confusing the first time or two. I realize now what your character is saying, but at "I do that..." I thought he was actually saying he did that, which didn't make sense. I realize that with his dialect it translates as, "If I do that..." I don't know if it's worth changing but I wanted to let you know of my confusion. And please let me know if I am wrong in my interpretation.
Otherwise, looking good. I like the hook in the first line. The unique character makes me curious and keeps me interested.
I agree with assessment that the first line is a good hook. However, after this, it seems to me to be a case of voice perhaps overwhelming the business of getting the story started. I’d probably have limited tolerance for this kind of protagonist. Obviously it’s incredibly subjective, but I’m not sure if I could follow them for long. As you’ve stated, he’s a little bit “off” and while the voice suits the protagonist, I get the feeling it’s going to be a tough-read. He is getting in my face and wasting my time by telling me stuff about himself instead of getting on with the story about him shaking hands with the guys who’s going to kill him. I think the character and nature of the protagonist can be displayed by implication; it’s the old show versus tell for lack of a better phrase.
I found the voice a little hard to read as well, given it’s preponderance of fragments and vague “somethings”, “kinda”, etc. Pure voice isn’t something that wins me over, but I’m quite utilitarian when it comes to short stories.
Personally, I’d concentrate on what follows that opening killer line and let the action show us how the protag is a little bit off, a little bit strange and why he’s that way.
posted
I think Nick T has this one spot on. I think you lay on the voice too thick, making it hard to read. Even with just the first 13 lines here, I found myself skipping bits to try and get to the meat of the story, already finding the MC a touch annoying.
Killer first line, just try and go a bit easier on the voice.
posted
I second NickT. It's an interesting situation but the narrator's voice is getting a little annoying already.
I know this is just personal preference, so take this with a huge grain of salt, but I would put the g's onto the ends of your words. A lot of people drop their g's and so to me it feels like you're pushing too hard to convey dialect with spelling (especially when added to kinda, sorta, lotta, kissa), when your word choice alone really does the same thing.
posted
Having read the story I have to tell you that joecs handles the language very well. It does take a moment to get into it but once you do it's like the character is speaking inside of your head rather than something that's hard to read.
I know it seems like the language would get tiresome and everyone's different but I didn't find this story a chore to read at all.
quote:@skadder: Also, remember that when someone says 'kinda' I hear 'kind of'. For that reason you don't actually have write it like that each time.
skadder, can you restate this? I'm not getting your point - are saying to write 'kinda' once, then use 'kind of' everywhere else? Or not to use 'kinda' at all because it isn't having any impact. Or something else?
I like this version better, there's less stuffing around. I may read the whole thing, but not yet; I'm pretty full up with critiquing at the moment. My comments below:
quote:No, I’m a workin’ stiff. I gotta hustle. I’m that stranger who’s way way too pleased to meet ya even though you didn’t make no eye contact, and then who gets up in your space like he’s gonna hump your leg or somethin’. That guy.
My experience is that the most socially inept people are rarely aware of their own ineptness. He's clearly conscious that he imposes on other people and that puts me off him a bit because he's both aware of what he's doing and uncaring. Is there a different way of getting this information across (i.e. indirectly by the interactions and reactions of people he meets?)
quote:But I follow through with my pitch? I do that, you think I’m a genius. Which I definitely am not. Which’s our little secret, by the way - don’t go blabbin’. I mean, life’s easy enough to figure out when you get all the answers in advance, ain’t it?
This seems to me to be deliberate witholding. The POV character is being vague and that puts me off a bit. At this stage, the paragraph means nothing instead of leading me into the next few lines. Everything above told me something (1st few lines about the inciting event, the next few about the character), but these lines didn't really tell me anything apart from the fact that the protagonist is manipulating me for the sake of the story.
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