posted
Hey, trying to figure out the best beginning for one of my stories. It's still a WIP so I'm only interested in comments on the first 13 (well, first 12, as line 13 is currently a scene break and line 14 begins the action). Final version will probably clock in at about 7K, in case anyone's curious.
So with that in mind - would you turn the page?
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I am Selfish. Every generation of my family has one--someone who understands that there is power in our freely-given gifts. Of course, since I know about the power, my gifts aren't freely given like theirs are and the whole Altruism thing doesn't work for me. Knowledge is supposed to be a power in its own right, but in this case it pretty much just sucks. I was only eight years old when my Aunt Josie, the Selfish in my parents' generation, realized I could see the strange things that happened around the Altruistic members of our family. She gave me her diary and explained why I was different.
Then she drove home and closed the garage door but never turned off her car.
Most of the time I don't miss her--I barely knew her. But I really could have used someone to talk to on the day the school bus didn't come.
posted
I'd definitely read on, but I was having trouble understanding 'Selfish' even with the talking of powers that followed. Maybe my trouble was that I couldn't connect the names of the powers to anything in context to understand them, I'm not sure.
It wasn't until the context sentence below that I stopped wondering and was reading along rather than distracting myself by trying to comprehend:
I was only eight years old when my Aunt Josie, the Selfish in my parents' generation, realized I could see the strange things that happened around the Altruistic members of our family
Everything that came before was more confusing than helpful - I was trying to sort out what 'Selfish' was and why it sucked and I barely noticed that Altruism was a different power.
Based on what you have so far, I would have to say no, I would not read any further. There is nothing drawing me further into the story. Nothing happens here except that Aunt Josie kills herself - in a pseudo flashback. Maybe this isn't where you need to start.
You need to start where she is manifesting her power - either in present day, or when she's 8 years old and Aunt Josie sees it happen. Make her ability the focus of your beginning.
posted
Yes, I'd read more. I want to know how the two types of magic work, why Aunt Josie didn't want to live as a Selfish (I'm assuming), and what the Selfish magic will do to the POV character and her family.
The first two lines confused me, but that's normal. I understood them by the end of the paragraph.
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited September 13, 2009).]
I’d echo NoTimetoThink’s comments and say that I don’t think you’ve got the starting point of the story right. When you’ve got a fairly unique scenario, the temptation is to info-dump (god knows I did it with my last 1st 13). This didn't quite draw me in. The story basically start with a 1st person info-dump and then goes to a mini-flashback. The precise nature of the powers that the protag has are withheld from us…you only vaguely state how your protag is different from the rest of the family (Selfish, not Altruistic) without actually explaining what the difference is. Although it's hard not to withhold given the brevity of the 1st 13, it irritated me a bit.
Can you start closer to the point where your protag’s life changes (It sounds like moment where the bus doesn’t come)?
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