posted
The music swelled with a hundred voices raising the hymn to Peace. The choir was from St. Opus’s school just a little outside Marsport. The school's participation was a tradition. St Opus was the patron saint for mutations. A light dusting of snow started falling gently inside the Marsport main dome where the choir was singing. It was Christmas after all and Mars did keep an Earth calendar. Always had, even before the war. Shoppers hurried about in the underground tunnels leaving the aboveground snow to the St Opus orphans and those brave enough to show interest in them.
Up on Phobos there was no snow. No Christmas. The scheduled supply ship had just left and another wasn’t due until New Years – again, Earth time.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited September 15, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 16, 2009).]
I eliminated the three "was" in a row and rearranged things. Is this any better?
The music swelled with a hundred voices raising the hymn to Peace. The choir came from St. Opus’s school just a little outside Marsport. They had sung in the park every year at this time, even during the war years.
A light dusting of snow started falling gently there inside the Marsport main dome. Measured by Earth time, it was Christmas, and Mars did keep an Earth calendar. Always had, even before the war. Shoppers hurried about in the underground tunnels leaving the snowy park aboveground to the St. Opus orphans and those citizens brave enough to show interest in them. After all, St. Opus was the patron saint for mutations.
Up on Phobos there was no snow. No Christmas. The scheduled supply ship had just left and another wasn’t due until New Years – again, Earth time.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited September 16, 2009).]
posted
I'm curious about snow aboveground on Mars, and with the orphans, choir and shoppers my mind is conjuring up a sort of Dickens type setting. Is that your intent, or is it just me?
The first paragraph feels very choppy - lots of short statements that feel disconnected and don't seem comfortable with each other. Maybe you're trying to put too much information in at the start?
Also, I'm not sure if the story should start with that first paragraph; you aren't even out of your first 13 yet, but you've gone from Mars with no character involvement to a card game on Phobos that feels more like the start of the story.
It's hard to be sure, because I don't even have a title to give me a hint of where this is going, but try restarting with the card game first, work in that it's Christmas, and take it from there.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited September 15, 2009).]
posted
The beginning is better - smoother. I also like the added description of what wasn't on Phobos - it connects the two locations and makes it feel like this is the proper starting point.
May I suggest a tightening of the first paragraph:
quote:The music swelled, a hundred voices from St. Opus’ school raising the hymn to Peace. They came to Marsport to sing in this park every year at this time, even during the war years.
Don't know if the "-again, Earth time" at the end of the 13 adds anything - consider dropping it.
Your second paragraph draws me into the story (I would lose the "there" after gently in the first sentence). You have snow in a Martian dome, War, and orphans all interesting me, with the final line about mutations hooking me in. I actually tried to turn (in my mind) and look back at the orphans, as if I was one of the shoppers. Nice! Makes me want to see more. If you're looking for readers, I'm game.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited September 16, 2009).]
posted
What I like about this opening - especially the second version - is how much information I think I've slipped in without making it too obvious.
War, orphans, a saint of mutations and (I hope) made it obvious that the orphans are all mutants, some general fear/disdain for mutants, and the ominous and heavy-handed sense of an Earth presence -- not quite mentioned, but that's the reason for the two mentions of Earth time and calendar. The war was with with Earth, and Mars lost. This will all become clearer but I hope I've laid the groundwork for it.
posted
I definately picked up the resentment towards Earth after the war. The orphans all being mutants I didn't get on my first read through. If that's important information for the first 13 you may need to make it more obvious. If not, it can come up again later without causing confusion.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2009
| IP: Logged |
I also like how much info you packed into this opening. Sounds great, I like the second version a lot better, and grabs me to read on.
second version told me: St. opus orphans are mutants, Mars lost a war to Earth, and Earth customs were normal on Mars.
The only thing I don't like is the switch in the first 13 from mars to phobos. You just set up this great scene in the Mars dome, and thats what grabs me. Then you're suddenly talking about phobos. I'm left wondering what does Mars have to do with it if now the story is going to be talking about phobos? I would suggest sticking with the mars dome scene for the first 13, then moving to phobos shortly after.
The mars scene is what grabs me, the phobos scene throws me off, right at the crucial part of turning the page...
posted
If I could post the scene that follows, I think you would understand how the two locations are tied together.
Unfortunately, the story is a wip so I can't send it out yet. But I am happy that the opening is working. I wasn't sure. The first thirteen don't reveal the plot, just a lot of background.
So, it is possible to open without the plot revealed. It comes close on the heels of this.
posted
As I read the opening, I felt Marsport(plus Mars) and St. Opus were mentioned three times each. To me it sort of cluttered the opening up. The Phobos mention jarred as I was mentally on the surface of Mars and was struck by a shard of confusion.
I also thought the "--again, Earth Time." to be redundant and slowed the momentum of the opening.
The hook actually occurs on line 11 and that was OK except me, as the reader, have no idea if the story is about a St. Opus orphan or some shuttle pilot running between Mars and Phobos.
At this point I am still looking at the beginning of the story from the outside.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
