posted
Just beginning this and wanted a reading on the start.
Version Two: Liago, guided his horse and pack animal through the crowds eager to make their way into the city for the market day. He brushed at rusty chain mail and adjusted the old blade at his side as approached the city of Waax, its towers thrusting up like shards of crystals in the pre-dawn sky.
The guard at the city gate stopped him as peasants and merchants flowed around them."Why do you enter Waax?" the guard asked, throwing up the oiled canvas covering on Liago's packhorse. His torch revealed armor and weapons of all kinds.
"I aim to fight in the arena." Liago lied to the guard. If he spoke the truth, he'd say the Empire Guard just assigned him to infiltrate Waax's criminal guild.
Version One: Liago, wearing rusty chain mail and an old blade at his side, rode towards the towers of Waax thrusting up like shards of crystals, silhouetted in the pre-dawn sky. He guided his horse and pack animal through the crowds eager to make their way into the city for the market day. The guard at the city gate stopped him as peasants and merchants flowed around them like water around a rock.
"Why do you enter Waax?" the guard asked throwing up the oiled canvas covering on Liago's packhorse, his torch revealing armor and weapons of all kinds.
"Don't worry. I aim to fight in the arena." Liago lied to the guard. The Empire Guard had recently assigned him to infiltrate Waax's criminal guild.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited September 18, 2009).]
posted
I agree with A_M about switching the first two sentences. Also, the first sentence is awkward, like there's too much in it. Consider breaking it up a little:
quote: Liago, wearing rusty chain mail and an old blade at his side, rode through the eager crowds making their way into the city for market day. The towers of Waax thrust up like shards of crystals, silhouetted in the pre-dawn sky. He guided his horse and pack animal towards them.
Like the image of the crowd flowing around Liago and the guard "like water around a rock."
quote:Liago, wearing rusty chain mail and an old blade at his side (are we in Liago’s POV or are you looking for an omni or remote camera POV? If it’s third person, I doubt he’d think about the fact his chain mail is rusty unless he’s putting it on as he looks in a mirror), rode towards the towers of Waax thrusting up like shards of crystals, silhouetted in the pre-dawn sky (as previously noted, too much is happening here; a comparison and description of three things…Liago, the towers and the time of day). He guided his horse and pack animal through the crowds eager to make their way into the city for the market day. The guard at the city gate stopped him as peasants and merchants flowed around them like water around a rock. "Why do you enter Waax?" the guard asked throwing up the oiled canvas covering on Liago's packhorse, his torch revealing armor and weapons of all kinds . (there are two sentences here or even three, i.e. “why do you enter Waax?” The guard flipped up the oiled canvas covering Liago’s packhorse and his torch revealed armor and weapons of all kinds.) "Don't worry. I aim to fight in the arena." Liago lied to the guard. The Empire Guard had recently assigned him to infiltrate Waax's criminal guild.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 18, 2009).]
posted
The way they speak sounds stilted "I aim to fight..." and so forth. Is it meant to be that way? I might avoid naming a character Waax. Unless he's supposed to be like Jabba the Hutt. It just conjures up wierd pictures. Good luck!
Posts: 12 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
OK, the first sentence has a comma it doesn't need. It also manages horse, pack animal, crowds, city, market with no further descriptor of any of these things. Utterly generic. You, in your head, may know something about how all of these things look. You completely fail to communicate it. As an editor, I quite honestly don't go past that first sentence (I actually did,but with the crystal-building simile as an exception, the genericism only continues - merchants, peasants, guards, weapons...).
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