posted
Not too far into this one. Looking for thoughts on the first thirteen. Would you read on? I realize it doesn't give much of a hint of the conflict. This story will take awhile to reach the main problem in the story:
1st Thirteen
The dead knight’s bloated torso stretched his fine wool surcoat, even with the weight of the chain mail beneath. Rabbit had seen a few bodies in his days at the foundlings house, but none who had begun to purple and stink like this one. And none wearing fine steel armor and a thick wool surcoat, blue striped with white.
Gedge poked the body with a booted toe. “Who do you think killed the bastard?” he asked in his thick-mouthed slur.
Rabbit shrugged. The knight’s clothes didn’t have any rips or holes, and he didn’t have any arrows sticking out of him. A donkey grazed nearby. “I suppose the donkey is his. Maybe whoever killed him took his horse?”
Gedge frowned, shaking his head. “Donkey’s got a saddle. He had
Version 2 - 1st Thirteen
The donkey wore a fine leather saddle, like you would see on a knight’s destrier. The donkey’s master lay dead against a gray leafless tree a little ways off the road. The sun had baked and blistered his exposed skin like a pig on a spit. Rabbit had seen a few bodies in his days at the foundlings house, but none who had begun to ooze and stink like this one. And none wearing fine steel armor and a thick wool surcoat, blue striped with white.
Gedge poked the body with a booted toe. “Who do you think killed the bastard?” he asked in his thick-mouthed slur.
Rabbit shrugged. The knight’s clothes didn’t have any rips or holes, and he didn’t have any arrows sticking out of him. “He’s a knight, that’s plain. Where do you think his horse is? Could
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited September 23, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 23, 2009).]
posted
You don't show the conflict, but you do give us a mystery. I would still consider that a hook. I'll assume that the mystery carries us into the coming conflict. I would read on.
The only thing that jarred me was the sudden mention of the donkey. It felt abrupt. First the character is examining the body and then there's a donkey. Maybe lead into it. "He glanced up to see a donkey grazing nearby." Or something.
posted
Might be interesting, although I might have liked it better if we saw them find the body. Some observations:
I don't like "stretched" in the first sentence. It seems too active, and for a moment I thought we were dealing with a zombie when I first started reading. May be better to say "strained against his fine wool..."
Why does Gedge assume the knight was killed? You seem to be saying there are no marks on the body.
I'm not entirely sure about pronoun choices when describing a dead body. Is it "none who had begun to" or "none which..."?
posted
Hi Alliedfive, As you said, no real conflict, but the piece still sets up well. Two kids and a dead body. As far as the 13 I found the first paragraph as unnecessary. I think you could start with gedge poking the body, and go from there. I feel it put us, the reader, in the scene faster, versus setting it up as you did with the first. Also, I do have a thing with tags, so probably no suprise that I feel you could lose it, especially as the beat or action tag is there with Gedge poking the body.
Rabbit shrugged. A tiny sentence, but powerful. Its good as it shows he has been around bodies before, but this where you could work some of the first paragrpah in to strengthen it.
All in all, pretty good, while it has no true conflict, it does show the characters well, and starts off with a dead body, and a question that needs to be answered.
As a reader, I am wondering if whoever killed him is still around. So I am feeling tension...conflict is only a hook, because it creates tension. You don't have to have conflict--you do need a hook.
posted
The dead knight’s bloated torso stretched his fine wool surcoat, even with the weight of the chain mail beneath. Rabbit had seen a few bodies in his days at the foundlings house, but none who[[does not follow it's subject. This should be "which" or "that"]] had begun to purple[[I understand what you are trying to say here but yoiu might reconsider verbifying a noun this early in the story. It might raise an alarm with a slush reader]]] and stink like this one. And none wearing fine steel armor and a thick wool surcoat[[This description seem repetative. It seems three lines of this paragragh are describing the wardobe of the cadaver which, to me, is a little excessive]], blue striped with white. [[I also didn't understand why the corpse was bloated. I was first led to believe that the body was in water due to the fact that that is the only reason I could imagine a corpse bloating unless there were some form of poison involved in his demise, but there was no indication of this in the text.]] Gedge poked the body with a booted toe. “Who do you think killed the bastard?” he asked in his thick-mouthed slur.[[??? this didn't really register to me. It also didn't really add anything to generate interest in my opinion. It also made me question the POV. I would just drop it or show his "slur" in a different way Ei. MC vocalizes his repulsion of the way this character speaks.]]
Rabbit shrugged. The knight’s clothes didn’t have any rips or holes, and he didn’t have any arrows sticking out of him. A donkey grazed nearby. “I suppose the donkey is his. [[I think this would be smoother if it included "he looked" ei. "Rabbit's eyes shifted to the donkey grazing nearby. " I suppose....." This would also help anchor the POV**Maybe whoever killed him took his horse?”
Gedge frowned, shaking his head. “Donkey’s got a saddle. He had no horse.[[I would switch these two sentences soley for the reason that the 'he" in the second sentences seems to follow donkey. That is to say that it sounds like ththe donkey had no horese, but by swapping the two lines I think it will read soother]] I’d wager we’re the first to come upon him. Likely he... I find the premise here amusing enough to continue reading, but I thought the prose was a little clumsy and I think it could be polished to make it more appealing. I also didn't really feel connected to the MC. I think this is due to the fact that the POV seems a little off and there isn't enough focus on the POV charater to anchor it. I would like to see some more emotional development there. I like to get close to the MC early and here I didn't feel like the story was being shown through his eyes but rather being recited by a distant narrator. I did like the plot progression and as I mentioned I found the premise very interesting.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 21, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 21, 2009).]
I think Tiergan had a good point. Gedge poking the body would be a good first sentence. then go into Rabbits observations of the body.
The first paragraphs observations are good, maybe condense them a bit. I note two mentions of "wool surcoat," just a little wordy for me.
I agree with genevive42, the donkey seems to just appear abruptly. maybe could be worked in better by describing the donkey sooner, when they are observing the body. for example, 'no sign of a killer, unless the docile donkey grazing nearby had somehow killed him.' but hopefully better worded than that.
This also hooked me, although when I first started reading I didn't think it was going to. Probably the first paragraph by itself would not have, but followed up by the 2 trying to figure out why the body is laying there dead, that is enough hook to read on.
Maybe even imply, or have the characters wondering, if the killer could still be close.
posted
Mostly, yes, though I am puzzled about the skin/sun thing - it would have to be really intensely hot for this to happen, and if it's that hot, why would he have been wearing chainmail and a surcoat? Also, the leafless tree broadly implies winter so you have contrary images going on - I'd clear that up, because you want your reader intrigued, but not confused.
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posted
Hmm good points. I think I was going more for a dead tree, rather than a winter tree. I don't think it would have to be that hot for the skin to burn and blister. Seems like a day or two of full sun ought to do it.
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