posted
I am just looking for comments on the intro at the moment.
Although it seemed in every important job humans were being replaced with A.I., I never worried. I just didn't. Every month after the board meeting it seemed one or more of the board members would come down to give me a pat on the back. They wanted that. They wanted the comfort of human interaction. They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control. Why? Because I was human, I understood human nature. I could see motives and stop a history altering catastrophe before it happened because I had the same desires the would be time wrecker had and therefore I could stop them from pushing Martin Luther King away from his assasin's bullet or throw a hand grenade in the training center where the suicide pilots responsible for 9/11 learned to fly planes, or the endless other plots to right the wrongs throughout history.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 21, 2009).]
posted
I like this opening; I would turn the page. Clever title too.
All I can offer is my subjective preferences to tweak and trim. Don’t let my suggestions detract from your voice.
Although [it seemed -> don’t need] in every important job [swap these phrases] humans were being replaced with A.I., I never worried. [I just didn't. -> distracting; don’t need] Every month after the board meeting [it seemed -> don’t need] one or more of the board members [would come down -> weren’t they all in the same room? I’d cut it] [to give -> gave] me a pat on the back. [They wanted that. -> could cut] They wanted the comfort of human interaction. [continue paragraph?] They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control. [Great line! It brings together two speculative elements and conveys character attitude and societal distrust of technology.]
Punctuation and grammar (look in the edit mode, because some of the bolding doesn't show; I added commas, hyphens, etc.): Why? Because I was human, I understood human nature. I could see motives and stop a history-altering catastrophe before it happened, because I had the same desires [as] the would-be time wreckers. [had and therefore -> cut] I could stop them from pushing Martin Luther King away from his assassin's bullet or throwing a hand grenade in the training center where the suicide pilots responsible for 9/11 learned to fly planes, or the endless other plots to right the wrongs throughout history. [That’s still an awfully long sentence.]
You use “I” a lot in that second paragraph—could some of the credit be shared with “our department” or “my crew”?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 21, 2009).]
posted
Hey Scott, always good to see you back here.
As far as the first 13, I like it, it has a good feel to it. My only concern is that there is no action, not in the classic, hack and slash sense, but it all happens in his/her/its thoughts, no scene. Although the doing it this way does get us in the characters head quickly and sets the pov, and sets the stage for what is to come. A problem or not, I woundlt know until I read the entire piece.
As far as hooking, yes, it hooked me enough to want to read on.
posted
This has intrigued me. I like all the material that you have managed to squeeze into this section, but I think it is missing some of the messed up sci fi feeling that I love. Maybe it is the nonchalant way you have your character speaking. (All though you have avoided slang, thank god! That really bothers me.) Maybe show him proving why he isn't afraid of losing his job to an AI. Maybe show him kicking some butt protecting the Assassin that will soon kill Dr. King. Just some food for thought. I like the concept. I think it can create a very controversial piece that will make you shudder at the end. I just think it needs polishing.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2009
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posted
Time travel - my favorite. I also like your title and the overall concept. Hooked.
I became a little confused with the way you structured your logic about the reason(s) for having a human in the position:
quote:...They wanted that. They wanted the comfort of human interaction. They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.(I thought the previous statement was just strengthening their need for human contact) Why? (I thought you already told us) Because I was human, I understood human nature. (It is not until here that I realize you have been talking about a different reason ever since you finished the first paragraph) I could see motives...
Perhaps it would be clearer if the 2nd paragraph read:
quote:There was another reason they didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.
posted
Hi Bent Tree, As noted, this type of beginning is quite remote rather than being in the moment. Probably a risk worth taking since there’s a conceptual hook in the 1st 13 . Minor nits
quote:Although it seemed in every important job humans were being replaced with A.I., I never worried. I just didn't. Every month after the board meeting it seemed [b]one or more of the board members would come down to give me a pat on the back.
*Edit* Just saw Mrs Brown picked up on the same things. Two close uses of “seemed”. Apart from the repetition (which I presume is non-intentional as opposed to the repetition of “they” later), I tend to flag “seemed” as a clue I’m not being specific enough. Same with “just”. How about making it more specific?
“
quote:They wanted that. They wanted the comfort of human interaction. They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.
I presume this is intentional for rhythmic purposes. As Notimetothink has noted, you’ve already established motivation for the board members.
quote:I could see motives and stop a history altering catastrophe before it happened because I had the same desires the would be time wrecker had and therefore I could stop them from pushing Martin Luther King away from his assasin's bullet or throw a hand grenade in the training center where the suicide pilots responsible for 9/11 learned to fly planes, or the endless other plots to right the wrongs throughout history.
I think this is a bit long for easy reading. In one sentence, you’ve got the concepts of seeing motives, stopping catastrophes due to the same desires and a list of things that time wreckers might do. Maybe one concept per sentence? Putting hard SF hat on The AI/human dichotomy in SF has always puzzled me. I’ve always thought it much more likely that humanity will become a continuum from fully human to fully AI with lots of intermediates between. Anyway, with time traffic control, it’s not hard SF. There’s a cute story I read somewhere or other about some kind of internet forum where newbie members keep trying to kill Hitler, etc. and the moderators keep stomping on them. Wish I could remember what it was called and where I read it. Nothing profound, but fun.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 24, 2009).]
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I just think it needs polishing.
