posted
Another start I am seriously considering using for the current WOTF quarter submission. Does it hook you? Can you guess what the story is going to be about?
I first encountered the Book of Rhodos during one of the many interplanetary voyages my trader family made when I was young. My father bought it for me at some way station, could have been anywhere. It was one of those common books that everybody seemed to know about, but when asked nobody had actually read it.
“Do you believe in mystery, son?” My father had asked.
“That there are questions no one knows the answer to?” I said.
“Exactly. Belief in mystery is the first step to understanding this book. Never forget that.”
I read the book. Many years passed, many worlds, many faces. I forgot about the book until the day my family was all killed.
when the dialogue starts ("Do yo ubelieve..." I inject a comment along the lines of "My father had asked when he gave me the book." At first I thought this was something that was happening right now, took me till the last line of dialogue to clue in to the fact that this was a previous discussion
posted
I think I would use your last line as your hook. You'd want to write Book of Rhodos instead of "the book," though.
I think your dialogue seems a bit off. That could easily just be my own ear thinking the question and response with a question seems forced. I think I could tighten up the dialogue, lose some words, and strengthen the whole feel.
posted
thanks for the comments...this is a WIP, I'm working furiously to get it done by the end of the week if possible, so I could send it in to WOTF before the deadline....otherwise it will have to be for the next quarter.
About the dialogue, I am working on strengthening that, your suggestions are great. as the scene goes on, I am trying to convey a lot of past conversations as little memories. I'm trying to work out the best solution. I've seen some writers use italics for a few lines or paragraphs that take place in the past. Do you think that would work for these few dialogue lines in the first 13?
Otherwise I am going to use breaks to alternate between the present action and flashback scenes.
posted
I first encountered the Book of Rhodos during one of the many interplanetary voyages my trader family made when I was young.[[I found this sentence far too "informative" You may ask how that could be a bad thing, but especially in the first person narrative I find info dumps a turn-off.]] My father bought it for me at some way station[[I don't know what a "Weighstation" would have to do with space flight or interplanetary travel, unless you mean international, which I think you do not.]], could have been anywhere. It was one of those common books that everybody seemed to know about, but when asked nobody had actually read it.[[This entire first paragragh didn't do anything for me. Primarily, it is not really in the present or shall I say current with the story. It is a flashback. The fact that the entirety of this intro is a flashback begs me to question why the story doesn't begin at the time of this event if it is indeed the moment of incitement. I don't really think that it is the moment of insightment however. I have a feeling that the moment of insightment in this case would be the moment in which the book regained importance for the main character. I suppose though you are the only one who really knows at this point, but my recomendation is to find it and begin there.
“Do you believe in mystery, son?” My father had asked.
“That there are questions no one knows the answer to?” I said.
“Exactly. Belief in mystery is the first step to understanding this book. Never forget that.”
I read the book. Many years passed, many worlds, many faces. I forgot about the book until the day my family was all killed.[i][[Here it is...the moment of insightment. I feel this event is where the story should begin.]]
posted
The first paragraph's sentences seem a bit overlong to me and it could be tightened up:
quote:I was young when I first encountered the Book of Rhodos. My father bought it for me during one of our family's interplanetary voyages. It was one of those books that everybody seemed to know about, but nobody had actually read.
I'm ok with the conversation, but would lose a little from the last paragraph:
quote:I read it. Years passed, many worlds, many faces. I forgot about the book until the day my family was killed.
I also wonder if "killed" is the best word to use; it seems so bland. We don't yet know exactly what happened, but murdered, slaughtered, vaporized, eaten alive or something more specific could give it more weight.
Definitely hooked, though I am not sure exactly what it is about. I suspect the book will somehow explain what happened to his family, with the added discomfort of predicting his own doom.
I try and avoid flashbacks if I can; for me I find they break the reader immersion too much. You might be able to handle them with more skill than I can though. As Bent Tree has suggested, why don't you start at the moment where your protagonist's life changes in some significant way (i.e. when his family is killed)?
As he's also identified, the first line is a big info dump.
If I'm having difficulty with my own dialogue, I tend to do these things as troubleshooting:
1) Look for any spots where I've directly answered a question and see if I can replace it with a non-answer that still makes sense. 2) Cut out words from dialogue. It only has to be intelligible, not be grammatically correct, (i.e. "You believe in mystery?") 3) Put as much conflict into the dialogue as possible. Sometimes #1 and #3 work together quite well. 4) People generally don't actually listen to one another, so for me, dialog is more about revealing character than providing information.
I don't know whether any of those points help.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 24, 2009).]
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