Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Dead Dog 2

   
Author Topic: Dead Dog 2
zerostone
Member
Member # 8605

 - posted      Profile for zerostone           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, second version:

When Everett got riled, weird stuff happened. Quantum Anomaly, that's what the scientists called it. His late wife, Lyla, said it was Divine Punishment. And thanks to AI Simulation, Lyla could still nettle him with examples---which she’d done last Tuesday:
…what about the parade? When you worked yourself into a lather and chased Poochie under the Miss Persimmon float, and that caused a six-float pile-up, plus it run over your fool leg...Or when you thought Missy Hoover was making sport of you at the Plant, and you fell in that vat of chicken innards...
Oh yeah, that was Lyla all over---here she was a year dead and she still brought up the chicken thing.
Drat her.


Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nick T
Member
Member # 8052

 - posted      Profile for Nick T   Email Nick T         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi Zerostone,

Not sure about this as an opening. There's some nice voice when you drop into Everett's memory of the AI simulation, but I think it may have some potential structural problems.

Essentially, you're promising that some weird stuff in your opening line (and I don't mind the use of "telling" here as long as you fulfil that promise quickly), but you move into a flashback. Obviously I only have the 1st 13 to go by, but why not start directly with Lyla and then have the weird stuff happening as a result of their interaction? Taking away the SF trappings, it's essentially a guy remembering his wife nagging him last week. Nothing wrong with that, but I think you might need a different way to enter the story.

Nick

Nick


Posts: 706 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
InarticulateBabbler
Member
Member # 4849

 - posted      Profile for InarticulateBabbler   Email InarticulateBabbler         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd read a little further.
Posts: 3677 | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
NoTimeToThink
Member
Member # 5174

 - posted      Profile for NoTimeToThink   Email NoTimeToThink         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Looks like Lila is his Divine Punishment...

I'm already enjoying the voice and the prospect perpetual henpecking and resentment- it is actually more of a hook for me than the cold statement about Quantum Anomaly, even though I bet the anomaly part is your real story. I would read on just for the interplay between the eliving and the dead.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tchernabyelo
Member
Member # 2651

 - posted      Profile for tchernabyelo   Email tchernabyelo         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The trouble (for me) with this opening is that it starts with infodump. You tell us a LOT in the fiirst few sentences - arguably too much. This may sound paradoxical as often we are askingfor MORE information in the first 13, but it's more a matter of what information is presented and how. To my mind, broadly, the first 13 should introduce the story first, the setting second. Her you rattle quickly off a bunch of things that I suspect you think we need to know, but I'd rather let them come through naturally.

The "hook" for me, here, is not the quantum anomaly thing, it's the "Oh yeah, that was Lyla all over---here she was a year dead and she still brought up the chicken thing." That's a great line and arguably you should lead with that, pique our curiosity as to how she is doing it, and then get round to the AI simulation and so forth.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2