posted
Updated for 11/24: story is complete at 4300 words, and I'd love more readers. As for the first 13, I'm not a huge fan of the first sentence, particularly 'get nervous' and the two 'the's. Any thoughts?
Take 3: Cecily did not get nervous until the coastline disappeared behind the choppy ocean. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the mast, bracing herself against the heaving of the boat. She cast a worried glance at Annie, who was busy adjusting the sails. Her best friend's face had been empty ever since she'd met Cecily on the pier. The sea whipped around them, cresting in waves that even Cecily could recognize as dangerous. She'd never known Annie to be so reckless. Annoyance was growing in equal measure with concern. The motion of the boat was making Cecily queasy, and she was cold and wet. She was about to ask when they would go back, when Annie cleated the mainsail, secured the rudder, and leaned over to speak to her.
Take 2: Cecily didn't get nervous until the land disappeared behind the choppy ocean. Her knuckles were white as she clutched the mast, bracing herself against the heaving of the boat. She cast a worried glance at Annie, who was busy adjusting the sails. Her best friend's face had been empty ever since she'd met Cecily on the pier. The sea whipped around them, cresting in waves that even Cecily could recognize as dangerous. She'd never known Annie to be so careless. Cecily's frustration grew. The motion of the boat was making her queasy, and she was cold and wet. She was about to ask when they would go back, when Annie cleated the mainsail, secured the rudder, and leaned over to speak to her. "Thank you for coming out." Annie had to shout to be heard over
**** Cecily didn't get nervous until the land disappeared behind the choppy ocean. Clutching the rope so tightly it cut into her skin, she stole another glance at Annie. Her friend was busy adjusting the sails, her cheeks still wet with tears. Her face had been empty ever since she'd met Cecily on the pier. The sea whipped around them, cresting in waves that even Cecily could recognize as dangerous. Cecily's irritation grew. The motion of the boat was making her queasy, and she was cold and wet. She was about to ask when they would go back, when Annie cleated the mainsl and secured the rudder. "Thank you for coming out." Annie had to shout to be heard over the crash of waves.
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited November 24, 2009).]
posted
The first couple of lines are a bit confusing. I was not sure whose face was empty, I think it's Annie- probably- but it was a confusing read.
For me, the confusion comes from the "Clutching the rope..." sentence. It feels awkward right there at the start. It might be a bit of filtering? Maybe something like...
"The rope cut into Cecily's fingers as she braced herself against the motion of the waves. Annie was busy adjusting...."
I love boat stories, especially if they wreck or get eaten by a kraken! I'll read... Leslie
posted
Nice, I am thinking Annie is going to be or do something diabolical.
Only concern is if they are cold and wet (from the waves and spray) as the setting leads you to believe, how could she tell her cheeks were still wet from tears?
But interesting and has me wondering what the horror aspect could be. Is it something on the boat, or their destination...things I am wanting to read to find out about.
posted
Mainsl may be pronounced mainsl, but it's surely spelled mainsail (or occasionally mains'l).
It's otherwise a perfectly decent structural start, perhaps a touch slow but horror is always a very difficult genre to start "hookily".
I'd read on, though I'd want a fairly good reason soon as to why Cecily agreed to accompany Annie given that conditions seem so inclement and Cecily appears inexperienced. Horror that relies on the lead character being stupid is rarely successul (though the horror movies of the past few decades may, I suppose, indicate otherwise...).
quote:Cecily didn't get nervous until the land disappeared behind the choppy ocean.
Great opening line.
quote:Clutching the rope so tightly it cut into her skin, she stole another glance at Annie.
This isn't so great however. The two clause do not go together. First, what is the rope she is clutching? Is it to one of the sails or one she is holding onto for her dear life? Many different types of ropes on a sailboat. Second, separate the second half of the sentence, make it its own sentence.
quote: Her face had been empty ever since she'd met Cecily on the pier.
This sounds as if Cecily just met Annie and agreed to go on a boat ride with her.
Not a bad opening but I happen to know that you can do better.
posted
New version up top, with improved spelling of 'mainsail,' etc, and no magically visible tears on wet cheeks.
Full disclosure: I'm not a sailor, but both my roomates are. I blame them for writing the sailing terms down wrong for me. XD
tchernabyelo: Yeah, I really hate stupid characters. Cecily just went out because Annie asked her to, and because Annie seemed distressed. If one of my friends is upset, I'll go along with them even if they're being silly. Hopefully that comes across better this time.
And thanks, Snapper.... I think.....
Thanks so much, everyone. I think it was just LAJD who was willing to read so far? I'll send it tonight or tomorrow.
posted
I agree with Snapper, I like v2 better too. Except the second line still throws me, it's the "clutching the rope" phrase. It could be a lot stronger.
posted
I like how you've addressed the concerns raised with your revised version. You've done a good job of being clear about things, although (not a sailor) I had a little confusion about this concept:
Annie is adjusting the sails (note the very funny misspelling!) But a few lines later cecily categorizes Annie's behavior as "careless." Isn't it maybe more like reckless? Because Annie's DOING something on the boat, even if cecily doesn't really understand what it is. But here they are careening out to sea in a storm. Little risky!
Meanwhile, I wish I could offer to read for you, as I owe you a crit, but I really don't do horror. Let me know on your next sci-fi or fantasy short, I'm in. Good luck with this!
posted
Are you still looking for readers? If so, send it to me. THough it kind of gives me the creeps to read a story that has a character with my name in it... Nothing bad better happen to her!
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posted
Ah, a minority report from me again. Maybe it's because I'm not all that into horror.
Sales???? Sails makes a lot more sense.
I don’t see any good hook here. It’s a description of going out on some sailboat -- so far. This is not in itself interesting enough to catch my interest. If you set it on another world, maybe. But just a description of here on Earth? Nope.
Even the fact they are going out in relatively rough seas isn’t enough of a draw.
posted
Umm... yeah, Anne... The good news is, she doesn't get maimed or anything...
And thanks, arriki, for catching my extremely silly typo. Though it would be fun to write a horror story about sales on the high seas. And thanks for letting me know the first thirteen doesn't grab you. It's good to know that.
I've been staying somewhere without internet, but I'm back tonight, so I'll try to get the story out to those that have asked for it (finally).
posted
How about just "Cecily wasn't nervous until..." instead of "Cecily did not get nervous until..."?
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Good luck with this!
