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Author Topic: Beta Moon, SF Short
Dark Warrior
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Hopefully I remedied the issues without creating too many new ones

1st
He paused at the door. It had taken Kincaid fifteen minutes to walk from the medical unit to his apartment, but it had been nearly a year since he last stepped out through that door.

His space station identifier, K214, was displayed on the plasma screen, but Jennivue's had been removed. When he waved the back of his hand past the pad, he was not sure that the computer would recognize his new arm. The door opened. Of course she had recognized him, they had used his own stem cells for the organic portions of his cybernetics so the DNA would be the same. He smirked and stepped inside.
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2nd
The walk from the hospital level to his apartment was only fifteen minutes, but after a year strapped to medical monitors the short trip seemed much longer to Kincaid.

The computer recognized him, despite his cybernetically repaired body, and greeted him as he approached his door. His space station designator, K214, was displayed on the plasma screen, but he faltered when he realized that Jennivue's was not. He forced her, and the accident, out of his mind, inhaled deeply, then continued into the apartment.
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3rd draft - This is the last draft of the 13 while I focus on the body of the story. I think its much better thanks to your crits, but it is still a draft and I will probably come back to it during story edits so further input is still appreciated.

3rd
Kincaid did not share the confidence of the Beta Moon doctors, but when they finally cleared him, he gave no voice to those doubts, and returned to his quarters.
As he approached his door the computer recognized him, despite his cybernetically repaired body, and issued a verbal greeting. His name was displayed on the plasma screen, but he faltered when he realized that Jennivue's was not. He forced her, and the accident, out of his mind, inhaled deeply, then continued into the apartment.
The room was dark, and smelled like it had been recently sanitized...

[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited November 03, 2009).]


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halogen
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Hey,

Couple of minor nits

#1 I noticed some passive voice, at least 3 instances of "had been"'s.

#2 I'm getting some time issues in the first sentence - it took him fifteen minutes to walk to his apartment, but it was a year since he stepped into his apartment. So he's been at the medical unit for a year? Or he lives somewhere else now?

#3 If it was really a year shouldn't the place feel like it's been sitting there for a year? Maybe a bit dusty? I'm not getting much descriptive voice, lots of "he did this, he went here, he smirked" but nothing really describing the areas.

Anyway, looks like a good start, hope this helps!

Cheers!


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arriki
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Who is the "she" in the line about recognizing him? Is it the computer? That is not clear.

The whole first paragraph could be dropped and the bit about not being there for a year could fit very nicely in where the computer hesitates opening the door BECAUSE he hadn't been there for a year. Then opens the door. And...a few bits about the stale air or something.


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tchernabyelo
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Your opening: "He paused at the door. It had taken Kincaid fifteen minutes..."

Is there any good reason why this, instead of "Kincaid paused at the door. It had taken him fifteen minutes...", which is significantly clearer?

I also didn't feel that his concern about being let in, then his "of course", then his smirk, held together as consistent emotions. The guy has obviously been through a lot and arguably could have conflicting emotions... but a smirk implies smug self-satisfaction that really doesn't seem to go with his hesitation, doubts, etc.


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ScardeyDog
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The smirk is definately throwing me off. I get the impression this is his first time back since the accident, and his wife is either dead or has left him. I would expect him to be sad or hesitant. Am I drawing the wrong conclusions?
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arriki
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The smirk doesn't make me want to like the guy. I'd drop the story in the reject pile right there. If I had one. Just my feelings on subject.
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Wolfe_boy
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Everyone has picked this carcass pretty clean at this point. Essentially this reads to me like it hasn't had a good once-over review by yourself. There are a lot of niggling little things that you probably would have picked up on a good read-through. Issues like the overuse of indefinite pronouns, clarity in meaning in your first sentence, or even clarity in the door-opening sequence. The three things I think you need in this story:

1. A little grammatical tune-up.
2. More focus on the story you're telling, with a focus on clarity of communication.
3. A synonym for smirked. Doesn't 100% work for me either.


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Dark Warrior
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Hey all, thanks for the input...where to start? Complete rewrite? Na, actually this is a rewrite and I like the scene and where it will go, especially when he get inside and starts taking account of things. But definately some good things pointed out for me to work on.

Halogen - I was a bit concerned about the clarity of the time issues you mentioned but in the end thought I had stared at it too long and wanted to see how it played out to the reader...I will clean that up. I agree on the feel of the place after a year, and the next paragraph is a scene with him first returning to the apartment and will cover the issues you brought up. *And thanks for the positive feedback too...your crit does help.*

Arriki- Grrr...Yes you are right. I thought very briefly about the 'she' and confusing the computer she with the recent mention of Jennivue. After thinking about your input I realized my error...there is some sentience with computer but that comes later and by all rights he probably shouldnt be thinking of the computer as 'her' yet. Thanks.

Tchernabyelo - Smirk, I agree with you and all on that. Definately not what I am going for with him. Simply just a poor word choice for me. I tried to quickly convey some internal issues he had with his new cybernetics but that really can wait until later when I can delve into with more clarity.

Scaredy - Nope, you are right on with that, and as said above, the smirk messed it all up. The smirk was more toward the whole cybernetics thing but it completely blurs the more important emotion of Jennivue that he will reveal more once inside the apartment.

Arriki - See above, thank you too. I focused less on the reader and more on trying to quickly wrap up that portion of the beginning and I failed for it.

***I look forward to incorporating the feedback, and some other lines of thought that your comments provoked, into a cleaner 13 and beyond.


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Roy Willis
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Dark Warrior, this is my first crit, and I'm coming on after excellent input from others and your reply.

The second cut read better for me. I'd read on.

One double speed bump for me was the "space station designator, K214," which made it into both versions. Is the alphaneumeric important? Then, "space station designator" I get the need for the reader to put MC in a space station but wonder if you could have done that in the first sentence with something like "his apartment in the space station" or "space station apartment" or the "hospital level of the space station" Or, maybe it was just the word "designator" that threw me.

I'd like to know more about Jennivue. Had "they" taken her name off the screen because she was killed in the accident, or did she high tail it because Kincaid was dangerous?

Write on.
Roy


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annepin
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The walk from the hospital level to his apartment was only fifteen minutes, but after a year strapped to medical monitors the short trip seemed much longer to Kincaid. The first sentence could be stronger. It's long and takes a while to get to the point, and it sets up a very wordy, expository tone for the piece. The concept itself, that a short walk seems like a long time, is a bit cliched.

The computer recognized him, despite his cybernetically repaired body, and greeted him as he approached his door. His space station designator, K214, was displayed on the plasma screen, but he faltered when he realized that Jennivue's was not. He forced her, and the accident, out of his mind, inhaled deeply, then continued into the apartment. Again, there's a lot of exposition. I like the idea of his cybernetic body. It seems the accident is going to play an important role here, which could be promising. But I think you could do more to inject some life into this character. I don't have the specifics that would make for a gripping story. Is he disgusted by his cybernetic body? Happy with it? I don't know, it seems devoid of lively details. The first version had more of these. Kincaid felt more like a person and less of a figure

My 2 cents.


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Dark Warrior
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RW and Annepin

Thanks for the crits, I was out of town for Halloween and am just now getting to them. Both were constructive toward a couple tweaks I making to the 13.


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Dark Warrior
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Bumped for 3rd
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arriki
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I'm going to show rather than tell here'

Your first line/paragraph doesn’t work for me. Not only is it kind of vague, but it could be so much more interesting and still give the reader a lot of info.

Now, I know, I am a big fan of opening with dialogue and that that does not work all the time. You need the dialogue exchange to be so obvious the reader picks up a lot of information. But you could do that here.
Like this for instance –

“We’ll want to see you back in six months for a checkup.”

“Yeah, yeah. If I’m still here, you mean.” Robert Kincaid eased his newly cyberborg body off the examination table. The doctors hadn’t been able to get rid of the jerkiness in his new right hand and leg. Now they were turning him out of rehab.

He had lost his job since the accident. He wasn’t sure about his quarters, either, but the computer there recognized him.

“Good morning Mr. Kincaid. You have had one call in the past six months. Would you like me to play it for you?”

“No.” Jennivue’s name was gone from the


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