posted
I wrote this during the summer. I don't know if I posted it here or not. I'm resurrecting some of my wip, so if you've seen this before, forgive me, pleeze.
Second Try: Lenton Dorwell leaned over to put a returned a scroll back in its place when his friend, Roy, entered and looked around the otherwise empty library.
“My grandmother gave me an old book that shows I should be the Duke,” Roy said.
Lent raised his finger to silence his friend as a cold fear ran up his back. His eyes pursued something around the ceiling of the octagonal library, but he didn't know what it was. A vision?
Stone walls rose just up to the high clerestory windows where the rest of the edifice was made of timbers and siding. Then Lent's eyes saw all of the books and scrolls in the library explode into flames and it was to happen soon. Gone. All of it would be destroyed.
First Try: Royster Horland sauntered into the empty library. “Hello, Lenton. Got any new scrolls, or books?” Lent was never sure about Roy and didn’t quite know if he was overly impulsive or a fool. “My grandmother gave me an old book that shows I should be the Duke.”
Lent raised his finger to silence Roy as a cold fear ran up Lent's back. His eyes pursued something around the ceiling of the octagonal library, but he didn't know what it was. A vision?
Stone walls rose just up to the windows where the rest of the edifice was made of timbers and siding. Then Lent's eyes saw all of the books and scrolls in the library in flames and it was to happen soon. Gone. All of it would be destroyed.
...back to NaNoWriMo
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited November 01, 2009).]
posted
Love the hook with the vision. would you consider writing from lenton's POV? it jumps around a little in the first paragraph, and if it was purely from Lenton's POV I think you can personalize the pain/grief/suprise/shock of the vision and hook the reader better.
It seems like Lenton is the focus (for this chapter atleast) so pay him his attention due, he seems more interesting than the other guy anyway.
posted
I’m having trouble with pov here in the first paragraph. Lent was never sure… - is that a new paragraph? It doesn’t look like one. If it is, your formatting has me confused. If it’s not, your text has me confused.
Yeah. You have the Roy sauntering in, then Roy talking to Lenton. Then an internalization from Lenton followed by what seems to be Roy talking again.
Isn’t working here. If you set the internalization by Lent off with dashes you might get away with it.
Royster Horland sauntered into the empty library. “Hello, Lenton. Got any new scrolls, or books?” -- Lent was never sure about Roy and didn’t quite know if he was overly impulsive or a fool. -- “My grandmother gave me an old book that shows I should be the Duke.”
But it’s still bit dicey this way.
Lent raised his finger to silence Roy as a cold fear ran up Lent's back. – This also is kind of off. The use of the two Lent’s seems to break pov. If you did it to keep from confusion of up his where the his is ambiguous – it didn’t work. His eyes pursued something around the ceiling of the octagonal library, but he didn't know what it was. A vision? Just doesn’t work for me, either. I think you’re rushing something that shouldn’t be rushed. You started off with introducing an obnoxious Roy. That’s okay. Let it go on a sentence or two more.
. His eyes pursued something around the ceiling of the octagonal library, but he didn't know what it was. A vision? – is a bit too vague. What did his eyes see?
And that last paragraph – how does he know when – soon – it’s going to happen? I think the problem is that you’re rushing what could be an ice opening.
posted
Royster Horland sauntered into the empty library. As a first line for your story, this is a little weak. I'd try to avoid words like "sauntered" these days, they're in danger of becoming cliche I think.
“Hello, Lenton. Got any new scrolls, or books?” If the library is empty, then who is speaking?
The POV issue in the opening paragraph has already been mentioned, but it did make it very hard to read.
Lent raised his finger to silence Roy as a cold fear ran up Lent's back. Rather than tell us a cold fear is running up his back, maybe show us what he is actually afraid of?
His eyes pursued something around the ceiling of the octagonal library, but he didn't know what it was. A vision? Literally pursued something? I'd guess not, but we aren't grounded enough in your world to know the rules yet. Also, "something" tell us nothing, we have know idea what he is seeing here. And why is he guessing it is a vision? Has he had them before?
Stone walls rose just up to the windows where the rest of the edifice was made of timbers and siding. "just up" is always weak and there is usually a better alternative. What edifice? The library? I'm not really seeing this at the moment.
Then Lent's eyes saw What other part of him would be seeing?
all of the books and scrolls in the library in flames and it was to happen soon. I'm not really sure which part of this library is empty as mentioned in the first paragraph. Also, the "it was going to happen soon" I think needs to be given its own sentence, it lessens the impact having it at the end of a long sentence.
posted
I like this pretty well apart from agreeing that having it set firmly in Lent's POV would probably be more effective.
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posted
Umm...I liked the first paragraph of the first version if you used the dashes. It was - my opinion - a much more sophisticated technique. Your new version is - again, opinion - so common. Ordinary.
The second version lacks something that the first had. A better bit of subtext about their relationship, maybe.
Your second paragraph isn't changed at all. It still doesn't work for me. Except for the his in place of Lent's.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 02, 2009).]
posted
My suggestions for the second version...re-insert Lent's thoughts about Roy, as it adds depth.
With this part:
quote:Then Lent's eyes saw all of the books and scrolls in the library explode into flames and it was to happen soon
I'd make it two sentences with a period after flames. You could maybe insert a little something to give us a sense of how he knows its soon (personally, I assumed its a function of whatever prohpetic gift he posseses however something like "his vision-sense told him it would be soon" probably better than that but you get the idea.)
Still I think its a pretty nice little begining. But then I'm easier to please than most I suppose.
posted
This sounds stilted and forced to me. We start off with one (somewhat cliche concept) and then quickly progress to another, more immediate danger. There's no grounding or context to understand either issue.
Lenton Dorwell leaned over to put a returned a scroll back in its place when his friend, Roy, entered and looked around the otherwise empty library.
“My grandmother gave me an old book that shows I should be the Duke,” Roy said.this is kind a big bomb to drop here.
Lent raised his finger to silence his friend as a cold fear ran up his back. His eyes pursued something around the ceiling of the octagonal library, but he didn't know what it was. A vision? Monstewer rightly pointed out the problems with having his eyes pursue something. Also, this may make more sense if he catches sight of something first, and then holds a finger up. Otherwise, his reaction seems to come out of nowhere.
Stone walls rose just up to the high clerestory windows where the rest of the edifice was made of timbers and siding.So wait, is this part of the vision? Because the last paragraph set me up to see it as such Then Lent's eyes saw all of the books and scrolls in the library explode into flames and it was to happen soon I would get rid of the "Lent's eyes saw". If you set us up to see this as a vision then you won't have to distance us from it by adding words. Also the "and it would happen soon" gets lost here. Putting it in another sentence would help. Better yet, we could just gather this info from his reaction, if he were, for instance, to grab his buddy and say, "we have to get out of here, now!" or something.. Gone. All of it would be destroyed.
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