posted
My problem here is that you are opening with a sequel rather than a scene (decision rather than action) which can be done. Don’t get me wrong. But it is weaker unless you’re very very good.
Your decision is played out as sorting through possibilities. The details of those are what’s dragging on me. They are too much the same in the details, and the problem set forth to solve is kind of vague. And the details themselves are too similar. They are attached to various names I have to keep straight them to keep the thread of story straight.
All of these nits make the opening more difficult to read.
posted
Interesting...as you know I just wrote a story involving a 4-part concept, something C L Lynn and I have been discussiing.
Send this over to me, though I may be a little slow getting it back.
One suggestion...you say four seekers, one for each direction, but then say they arent bound to a specific direction. Personally, and this may be preference but, I'd say stick with it being one each for a specific direction.
quote:My problem here is that you are opening with a sequel rather than a scene (decision rather than action) which can be done. Don’t get me wrong. But it is weaker unless you’re very very good.
Well, I may have started in the wrong place. Then again, maybe not, for this particular story. It's largely internal, although things do happen. I'll give it some thought.
posted
I'd agree that the internal opening feels cumbersome. Yo also tell us, rather than show us, his inner conflict, which therefore lacks conviction. Expand a bit on WHY he feels he isn't ready for it an/or doesn't want it, if that's important.
But I think you'd be better concentrating more on him, his quest, and his problems, than immediately talking about and dismissing the other Seekers.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited November 02, 2009).]
quote:Yo also tell us, rather than show us, his inner conflict, which therefore lacks conviction. Expand a bit on WHY he feels he isn't ready for it an/or doesn't want it, if that's important.
Okay. I feel like I've got the right starting point, or very close to it. Maybe what I need is to tighten this up more. What you're suggesting is actually in the next paragraph, but possibly I should find a way to get it into the first 13. Maybe I can move things around. Quite likely there's a sentence or two I could cut. I'll take a look at it.
I've been trying not to try to explain the story. But, in the interest of getting more help with the opening. Basically he's convinced the others have all gone off in the wrong directions and so he feels that the weight of the whole quest is on him and his choice. And he's the youngest and least experienced of the Seekers.
posted
Open with him arguing with someone. You can still make it a sequel, but a more active, interesting one.
Have X tell him he's a fool for sitting around when the world's falling apart around him. Or whatever fits. Give him a chance to show us who and what he is rather than tell us.
Just my opinion.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 02, 2009).]
posted
I'd just like tp pipe in to remind that there are some who prefer this...what some of you call "telling" in these situations because they feel "showing" it in the way you describe is too external. They simply want to know whats going on inside the character.
Then there are others, like me, that don't frankly care which route you take as far as that. My interest was caught by the "four seekers four directions" bit.
posted
Just a thought regarding your title: seeker is used alot. It is a kids' movie that came out last year, and the title of the miniseries adapted from Terry Goodkind's books. When I read your intro, I started thinking about those other works already.
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posted
Gylfi sat by the dying fire, trying to make up his mind which way to go. He had been chosen as one of the four Seekers. It was a responsibility he didn’t want and didn’t feel prepared for. His only instruction was to go where his heart might lead him. Gylfi’s heart wanted to lead him back home. The other Seekers had chosen badly. Gylfi knew it, not with his heart, but with his head. That meant the fate of his entire people rested on his slender shoulders, the youngest of the four. A boy not even old enough to have taken a woman, yet. Why had old Mera chosen him? Because she believed that he could be a true Seeker? Or because he had dared to look at her daughter and Alya had not looked away? All he wanted was to creep home and let someone else take up this burden. It was too great for him.
I have to say that i think you have started this in the wrong place. The whole intro is either chunks of internal telling or disguised info dumps. The only thing happening in real time is that he sits by the fire. The questions your character poses just give me more questions--not in a hooky way.
I have two suggestions. The first, start with him being picked by Mera--gives you scope to explain a lot via dialogue, introduce concepts like being a seeker. You could also hint at why Mera would give this responsibility to a young man (even if he doesn't know, the reader may). The second is to start with him interacting with another seeker; you suggest he knows they made bad decisions--he must have known what they were up to--also helps to introduce the what the consequence of (MC) making a bad decision is. He could also hide his desire to return to the camp and see Alya or something.
As it stands the whole intro feels static and it doesn't need to be. All of this can be incorporated into the story while it picks up some speed (that's a hook)--it feels like you are packing all the story details in the back of a stationary (story) vehicle.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 03, 2009).]
quote:Just a thought regarding your title: seeker is used alot. It is a kids' movie that came out last year, and the title of the miniseries adapted from Terry Goodkind's books. When I read your intro, I started thinking about those other works already.
Ah well. Titles are easily changed. First, I want to figure out if I've got a story worth worrying about the title.
posted
Much improved. A dynamic begining, all the same stuff in there, but I feel more there.
Gylfi sat by the dying fire (embers?), trying to make up his mind which way to go. He didn’t look up when grizzled old Dralt heaved himself to his feet. “Still time to come with me, boy,” Dralt said. “Nothing says the Seekers have to go separately.” Gylfi shook his head, still staring into the fire. He knew Dralt was making the wrong choice. To the north he would only find the Horse Men with their fast horses and [sharp]bronze spears. Safety for their people could not lie in that direction. “No? Well, you must go where your heart leads you,” Dralt said. Gylfi couldn’t tell the old hunter that all his heart told him to do was go home.
If you are suggesting that those spears may be used against his people calling them sharp highlights this fact sub-conciously in the mind of the reader.
Good, although the weakest section is the first paragraph. WHat about using a version of the second paragraph as your first? I think you should avoid--probably alright later on--that telling of an emotion so early.
I think it also weak because it uses the word 'trying' [but not managing to], which is indistinct. That's a bit like saying someone was nearly running, when it's better to say they are jogging. Trying has a large spectrum from almost failing to nearly succeeding--not sure where he is. be specific and positive.
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